My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

Ignore all the crazy answers OP.

You've got every right to feel how you do.

I knew you'd say she wasn't a great Mum to you.

Maybe concentrate on you and your daughter more. Your Mum is never going to be the Mum you'd like her to be.

Rude. I didn't expect her to go downstairs - I went voluntarily but as I was heading towards the top of the stairs and she practically pushed me down- she actually forcefully put her hand on my back!

There is a big difference between hearing something odd and going to check and actually believing there is an intruder in your home. The comments she made were clearly a joke. If either of you truly thought there was an intruder you’d have stayed upstairs and phoned the police immediately.

@MotherFlunker I have an official diagnosis of autism, since childhood.

@MrsDoubtfire24 I did believe someone was down there and actually grabbed a pair of scissors from the landing drawer to take down with me. My daughters were asleep in the next room and I didn't want to give anyone a chance to get to them. Her comments were not a joke at all.

I think some people are cut out to be mothers and be maternal - and some are not. My mother would probably be a lot like yours whereas I would die for my daughter - and probably easily kill to protect her too. I couldn’t imagine not having that instinct and putting my child in harm’s way to protect myself.

Remember having this sort of conversation once with my then teenage son and saying I would die to save either him or his sister. He then said he would do the same for me which really chocked me up! In reality I think I would for my now grown up children or grandchildren, my reasoning being that the younger ones have more years to lose than us oldies who have had most of our lives already and the grandchildren need their parents more than they need me.

God why get worked up over a hypothetical situation?

To be honest @LostSoul89 I'm with you. I'd be really hurt that if my mother's instinct wouldn't be to want to protect me...because my instincts would definitely include wanting to protect her.

It's not about wanting someone to die for you, it's about knowing that someone you should be able to trust to have your back really doesn't.

That being said, you seem to have the right balance with your daughter. Not only did she feel comfortable asking that question (which implies safety in the expected answer) but you would genuinely do everything you could to protect her.

No matter how old my children are, I'll always want to be able to protect them. If the personal cost to me is mortality then so be it. But to be fair, I extend that depth of feeling to my mother and sister too.

@LittleLegsKeepGoing I think that's what I wanted to hear/feel more than "Ugh, why won't you die for me". It wasn't a petulant child stomping. I think I just wanted to feel cherished and stupidly thought that if I heard that from her lips it would right all of the previous wrongs - and yes I do realise that is silly/unrealistic.

OP didn't ask. Her 18 year old dd did.

I think the disability element the op mentions is at play here. It may be subconscious on the grandmas part but she may view her daughters life as less important or more limited than her own life.

If the grandmother were to say that she would not give up her life for the grand daughter, I would be slightly surprised.

I would die for my kids. It doesn’t matter how old they are 5 or 50 I would do it if it was them or me.

I find it really hurtful that I'm less valuable because I'm disabled!

@coldcallerbaiter Oh no, it wasn't just me she wouldn't die for, it was my DD too or her siblings who are significantly younger.

The real question is you have 2 children adult or not, you can only save one in time - now what?

If you really really had to choose or they would both die anyway, you have to do a toss of the coin or work out which one is more valuable in every sense, if that is possible.

I'm not sure I'd do it for my kids, I would have when they were young and needed my protection, but now they're strapping young men, I look to them to take care of me more than the other way round.

Who knows what any of us would do when actually faced with it though

OP - if you have an official diagnosis of autism, is it possible that your mum too could have autism, just not be diagnosed?

I ask because of the clearly very factual way she has responded to this question - perhaps it's that she too, is 'honesty-first' and it would never occur to her to lie to protect someone's feelings. So it might not be personal, it might just be her natural response.

I did not say you were less, I was figuring out why she values herself more given she has had more lifespan. But now you say she wouldn’t for her grand daughter either, she is an enigma to me. I know 1 million per cent, I would die for any of my dc and my dm and dad would have given up for me, I am in noooo doubt.

I’d take a bullet without a second’s thought to save our adult children. DH said he would too. Am astounded by the number of people who don’t think that’s normal. I thought that was instinctual for all parents, whatever their age.

I know people here are always on the fucking wind up but WOW you win! Such a disgusting comment.

Agreed - such an ableist knobhead you are @coldcallerbaiter.

@WhoIsnt I can't honestly say I suppose because I'm not in her head but she seems to have what I've observed to be "normal" feelings/reactions to everyone except me.

I saw an interview with someone no idea who but it was on an American show a long time ago, maybe Oprah show? and a member of the public who survived a disaster I think, what she said was interesting, she would choose to save her dh NOT her small children first , as she and him could have more children if they both survived. I was astonished….

Yes, it didn't take long for the vile ableist comments. This is typical of mumsnet nowadays unfortunately, as are some of the other posts on this thread.

I know what I would do and no one has the right to tell me I don’t. I’ve put myself in harms way for my husband so I’m damned sure I would do so for my adult children. I also find it rather sad that you expect your sons to run around looking after you rather than live their own lives. Best hope none of them decide to emigrate to Australia then.

I don't think it is instinctive for all parents as demonstrated here.