My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

OP would you die for your Mum ?

That's a whole other argument! 'Mum, which one of us would you be most and least likely to sacrifice your life for? Rank us in order from 'most likely to be worth sacrificing my life for' the 'least likely', would you?'

My children are all adults and I’d die for any one of them and wouldn’t have to think about it for a millisecond. I despair at those who wouldn’t sacrifice themselves for their own children

Do you only have young children?

Parents can be dicks sometimes can't they? My DF once told me, at a table full of family members, that if he had to save either me or my daughter (his GD) he would save his GD. Obviously, I would want him to do that, but the way he casually said it was quite hurtful!

😂

I would be interested to know whether those that think OP's mother's response was okay are parents themselves. If they are, do they only have young children?

OP, your mum, like most people on this thread, just isn’t a very nice person.

Also blown away by how few people understand what this conversation means. It’s a depth of love question. My DD says “I love you more than anything in the world, I love you more than you love me”. And I say “you don’t understand the depth of my love for you, you could never love me more than I love you”. She feels safe and secure in my love.

This isn’t about maternal sacrifice, this isn’t about the fact OP is an adult, this isn’t about it being a hypothetical situation and no one knows what they would do, this isn’t about OP’s mother being older and maybe needing to be looked after herself, and oh the fucking horror or people saying OP is disabled. Horrid, HORRID, unnecessary comments.

This is about love, security, and attachment. I’m sorry you don’t have that from your mum OP, and I’m sorry for the other posters that think there is an age limit on parental love.

I just can’t imagine looking after my child for 18 years, only to let him die to save myself as an adult. I’m shocked that so many people are saying they would. And I don’t expect my mum to do anything. I’m an adult and can look after myself. I just know that she would want to save me or my sister over herself.

I would never save myself over my child, no matter what age they were. How would you live with yourself afterwards?

It can work the other way though. My parents put me before my children and that grates a bit too although I don't really know why.

There must be a major back story here! I cannot in a million years imagine getting worked up about this. Are you expecting intruders, a bus hurtling towards you, some form of Sophie’s Choice? Why are you fixating on this? Most people would have laughed it off and thought no more of it. There must be deeper things at play here I think.

Would you die for HER? If not then YABU. I think it's a ridiculous conversation bound to end in tears tbh.

However the rest of your post suggests you generally feel unappreciated and unloved by her, which is different - and a very reasonable thing to be upset about. Is that the case?

Are you a parent?

I just don't like these black and white principles and the resultant guilt tripping.

You do you, why worry about those who may feel differently.

You are being odd, Op
you are a grown ass adult, not a child.

However I would die to save my child.

Are you a parent? If you are, are your children adults or they very young?

So you think you are going to be over the parental love and desire to protect your children when they get older?

You're a grown up, an adult, not a child. I wouldn't expect my mother to sacrifice herself for me. Mind you, wouldn't even ask the question, it's a bit ridiculous if you have a grown up child yourself. I understand you feel hurt but don't ask questions you don't want to have an honest answer for.

I'd never have forgiven that.

Ok, but did she love you and nurture you and meet your needs when you were growing up?

Do you have young children or any children?

So weird, they are still your children when they are late teens, twenties, thirties.

@wombat15 Yes! It’s just not a conversation I can imagine having with my kids or my dad. People say stuff they don’t mean and even if she wouldn’t die for her does that make her a bad person?Who knows how anyone would behave in the moment anyway. It’s all very well to say it but in reality…. IMO it’s not worth getting get het about such a massive WHATIF… but maybe that’s because I’m very secure in my relationship with my dad and the OP isn’t in her relationship with her mum. Everyone is different. 🤷

I absolutely would put my (now adult) children before me if this situation were to arise ( God forbid) I just know I would, it's instinct. I'd do the same for my grandchildren too.
So yes, OP I totally understand why you are hurt.