My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

@wombat15 so you are saying those mothers would die for their children?
Because truthfully I think if you can not even put your child first in every day life, then I do not believe those mothers.

A couple of points:

I have adult children.

I would absolutely get involved if someone was threatening them as I can be shouty and aggressive if needed and also worked in schools for twenty years so am used to de-escalating situations

In any situation where I was actually being given the choice between me dying and my children dying the person giving me the choice is clearly a lying wotsit and is going to kill both of us so I would never believe him anyway. I would presume I am going to die and check with my kid whether he would rather die first and do whatever he wanted.

I have actually been in very violent situations. I can tell you right now that what your conscious brain wants is not necessarily what happens. Your subconscious brain kicks into survival mode and you either do freeze/fight/flight. Your conscious mind gets precisely zero choice.

My brain usually goes with flight or freeze.

Honestly, it's better socially than fight because at least if my survival instincts get triggered by accident (usually men from
which you can probably guess the violent situations) hitting people is a lot less acceptable than simply freezing and dropping to the floor (can be passed off as a fit).

If we were being held hostage by someone wanting to kill one of us then I would most likely allow them to kill my child.

One, I wouldn’t want my child having to live with the fact that she’s responsible for her mums death and to witness my brains literally being blown out and me in insufferable pain whilst dying slowly.

Two, there is no way these men would then treat my child nicely if I was the one killed. They would either kill her next or worse.

I feel like being the one to die and leaving your child to deal with it alone, is actually more selfish.

Her getting you to check if there was an intruder when you are disabled or less able is extremely selfish though!

YANBU, I understand where you are coming from OP, even if others don’t. Sorry your Mum sounds selfish - she sounds like she might be one of those “my kids are nothing to do with me once they are adults” parents. Or “ But I took care of them for 16/18 years!” 🙄.

Yes it’s a hypothetical situation and yes, no one knows how they’d really react in a split second (the physical instinct to protect yourself is pretty ingrained). BUT your kids are always your kids whether 6 or 60 imo. Few women are forced to have children in the UK anymore (abortion rights in N. Ireland aside 😢). I was always taught ultimately that if you don’t want to put your children first in the majority of situations, then don’t have them (the planet will thank you).

Not saying that parents shouldn’t prioritise their own happiness in smaller ways (holidays, days out, meals etc) once kids are old enough to understand the world can’t revolve around what they want. And certainly for adult “children”. But for the major things? They are still your child imo🤷‍♀️

I have a similar story. I watched Taken with my parents when I was in my early 20s. Got to the end of the film and I asked my Dad if he'd do that for me and he just said 'no'. End of conversation. We still all joke about it now! It was so cold!

Most people who were put in that situation would lie, she told you the truth. Your daughter put you both on the spot there, teach her otherwise.

Ah, but would YOU die for HER?

Thought not.

That’s not comparable. Motherly instinct is to protect your offspring over and above anyone else, including yourself.

So, so true.

“I would die to protect my children” - cost free declaration never to be put to the test and undermined by primal instinct anyway. Declaration of an attention-seeker.

”I won’t seek emotional and sexual fulfilment because it will distress my children,” not so much. Seen on MN all the time as people introduce new partners after 15 minutes and wonder why it went wrong.

OP, the bit that’s batshit is seeing any response to that question as a valuation of you as a daughter.

It’s a nonsense hypothetical. For heaven’s sake treat it as such and stop making yourself miserable.

Loads of people don't introduce new partners after 15 minutes either. Not every mother is a good one.

It’s not comparable.
I love my Mum dearly, and I’ll be devastated when she dies. But she’s 84, and I have dependent children. I know that if (in some bizarre hypothetical world) either she or I had to die, both of us would prefer it to be her. I’m better placed to look after my kids than she is, and I’ve had 27 fewer years alive than she has. She’d want me to keep living.

If you ask a stupid question like that, accept whatever answer you get.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "those mothers would die for their children". Which mothers are you talking about?

Me & my mum had this discussion recently while walking around a shopping centre (if somebody opened fire would we run or hide sort of thing)

& I would run whereas she would hide in great part to not be seperated from me... 😳
Whereas I would have assumed she'd run aswell
Hence the trying to get out of their...

Ultimately I just realised that me & my mum arnt designed to face any sort of genuine threat together & thank fuck we've never had too!

Your not a small child, but a grown up. I can see why she said no. I know it hurts your feelings but try to let it go.

The OP's DD is an adult.

All she needs to teach her - well show her - is unlike her grandmother is that she the OP loves her unconditionally. However that doesn't mean the OP will put up with any harmful or nasty behaviour from her DD.

She absolutely is not. What terrible manners you have.

Her daughter asked, not her.

I disagree with the idea that there’s a certain age where a parent should no longer be willing to sacrifice themselves for their child. I love my son more than anything in the world. And I would die for him in a heartbeat whether he was 6 or 60. I know my own mum would do the same for me, we’ve had similar slightly strange discussions before. I find it very sad that some parents would no longer want to protect their children as adults. I agree that your mum is selfish and I don’t blame you for being hurt.

I'm sorry OP but this is a pretty hilarious thing to get upset over, I laughed. Nobody knows how they would react in an extreme event, so it's quite silly for anyone to state with certainty what they would do. Even sillier to get upset over what someone says about their hypothetical reaction in a hypothetical situation. You must have some real things to worry about in your life, surely?

To be honest if my mum said to me she would die for me 1. I would not believe her, 2. I would think she was being daft and overdramatic. She loves me a lot and she's done a lot for me, I would not expect actual sacrifice of her life as well!

I mean, that is an awful thing to say.

My Grandma once said to my mum she’s probably save me over her. The reason was because i had a car and would drive her places! 😂 My mum had a very good sense of humour and saw the funny side. My grandma said that she loved my mum more than me because she was hers! Just take it all with a pinch of salt!

I think that type of question would annoy me too. Your mum most likely would have given up her life to protect you as a child.

However, adult dc are often different. I would not want my mum to give up her life for some of my siblings, they are complete twats.

It's not selfish to not want to give up your life for adult dc.

I think people expecting this are the selfish ones.

In real life I would try and protect both myself and my adult DC. The truth is they can probably ensure they survive better than I could. They are young and strong.