Being referred to as 'She'

[MrsMarshallllllll29]

Good god I need to get this off of my chest!

So all in all I have an okay relationship with mil. We don't really spend a lot of time together purely because of the fact we're so very different. mil is a lovely lady don't get me wrong, and I really do try hard, but this REALLY ticks me off.

I was raised thinking referring to someone as 'She' is really rude. 'SHE has a name' my mum and dad would tell me.

My husband calls his mum at least once a day, and i'm always in earshot or involved in the conversation for a little bit. We live 5 hours apart so FaceTime is usually the only option. But I'm always bloody she!!! This week our house has been hit with a dreadful virus, knocking us and our three kids to six. After mil babying over her son asking how him and the children are feeling and how they're recovering... MIL said 'oh, how's she?' Meaning me of course. But this is like the 100th time it's happened. It's never 'how is k' it's always 'how is she'. It really grinds my gears and I find it a bit rude. I'm always the afterthought and mil can't even say my name but knows I'm in earshot.

AIBU to tell my husband that it bothers me? Or am I just being over sensitive?
Just so tired of it and it annoys me every time it happens. Basically the cats bloody mother at this point!

I think this is a really bad idea.
This is a situation in which OP is listening in on a phone conversation her DH is having with his mother. It's a real stretch to frame that as MiL being rude to DiL. Yelling out and interrupting their phone conversation? I don't think "she" is a term of reference rude enough to warrant this.

Its because you don't like her, so you're looking for reasons to be unreasonably angry at her, and this is one of them.

@tennesseewhiskey1 it’s rude, and it sounds like MIL doesn’t like OP and this is one way she is showing it.

You grew up thinking it's rude. She probably didn't and doesn't mean anything by it. If she is otherwise lovely and treats you with respect or even affection then I think you'd be very petty to raise this point with either your husband or her. If she doesn't treat you well then I'm sure you've got better points to argue about than this.

I also think how dh talks his parents or they to him is none of my business and I never interfere with that. I wouldn't appreciate it if he dictated to me how me and my parents should talk to each other or complained about how they phrase stuff.

@ScaredyMcScaredyCatterton she grew up thinking it is rude, because it is rude!

My husnand and I both have phonecalls with our familoes on speaker/Facetime as they are all abroad. It's normal for the one who isn't on the phonecall to be in the background cooking/going in and out of the room dping whatever and chip in every now and then.

But I guess this is another one of the things British people find "rude" that I don't understand. If someone is rude to me, I don't consider it rude to point it out and ask them to stop.

Exactly!

How can people not see that referring to someone as she instead of their name in the situation described is anything other than rude?

I completely get why this annoys you. I think it is better not to say anything though. It sounds like currently you and MIL get on OK, despite being very different people. If you make an issue of this it is likely to cause upset and not really achieve anything. For the sake of family harmony I would not pick this as a battle to have. Maybe say hi then remove yourself from the room while he is chatting to MIL, so it is not in your face so much.

It's really rude.
I don't know if some posters aren't quite understanding the context of it and that's why they think it is ok.
The first time the person is mentioned in the conversation their name should be used. Not a dismissive and rude opener "How is she?"
"How is Anna?"
"She's fine thanks"
Not using the person's name at the beginning is rude. Once their name has been mentioned then it's fine to say she.

Can't believe someone upthread tried to make out it's a "working class" thing because apparently working class parents back in the day when that poster was young had nothing better to do than worry about things like that.
It's bad manners whatever class you are.

Yes she's a cheeky bitch and she is rude, next time I would say something and make sure she hears you, just say whose "she"?!!
Don't take no shit off anyone.

It is definitely rude!

I didn't grow up with the cats mother phrase, and was never outright to do 'this is rude' but I've always found it so belittling when someone refers to me as 'she' without a name.

It had the rudeness equivalent of calling somebody 'you' instead of their name. Just puts you down and makes you feel like some small schoolchild

Maybe I'm getting ott, but interesting that there's a consensus on this!

Yeah my mum used to say that

Ones up set on another thread because her mum wont die for her and your up set because you get called she.
Your all barking mad.

The point is not whether using 'she' is rude. The point is whether the MIL is using it to be deliberately rude.

If the MIL was not taught it was rude, as a fair number of people were not, then they will not be being deliberately rude when using it.

I was taught it was rude, but am not massively bothered by it personally, I think tone usually matters more than pure words. There are a lot of arses who follow all the old rules on speech and grammar.

I've been 'she and 'her' before and I totally felt the same so YANBU.

Why would you need to be taught if it was rude or not? Calling someone she in the context the OP describes instead of using their name is never going to be done by anyone who is not being a dick and trying to make a petty pathetic point

Absolutely and OP didnt specifiy, I assumed it came after saying 'and we went and did this or that, x did this or that' and then the mother in law saying 'and how is she'

Which would be perfectly normal

@MrsMarshallllllll29 , I was brought up exactly as you in this respect and my mum always said ‘Who’s she? The cat’s mother’.
I wouldn’t like being referred to as she either but neither your husband or mil know you feel as you do. Have a word with hubby and ask him to ask his mother to use your name, if as you say your mil is a decent woman hopefully that will fix it.

You want to come round mine. In full use in this house 😁

@Maddy70 wow 😂😂😂

I was always taught that "who's she, the cat's mother?" meant that it's rude to refer to someone in the third person when they are in the room.

Like if I went with my friend Kate to Lizzie's house, and Lizzie said to Kate, "do you want a cup of tea? And what does she want?" meaning me, while I was standing right there, that would be rude.

If I wasn't there and Kate had mentioned me by name, and Lizzie had then said "oh great, how is she doing?", that would not be rude.

I think that’s right.
It seems a couple of things are going on. If we were brought up with this rule we may have a very strong reaction to hearing ourselves referred to as ‘’she’ even if the person saying it is on the other end of the phone to someone else. Secondly, reluctance to use someone’s name is odd and may indicate dislike. If instead of ‘she’ the mother in law always said ‘that woman’ then the dislike would be obvious.
The options @MrsMarshallllllll29 are to ask your husband to insist on using your name or to get out of hearing distance/ insert earpods.

You're not being oversensitive! Anyone who was brought up with manners would find this extremely rude.

Everyone was brought up with this rule.

Hello, love, how are you and the kids?
Fine, Mum, and how are you?
I'm OK. And how is she?

Nobody can tell me that even without the pause and sniff which I am imagining in that last sentence that she isn't rude.

my MIL did this for years. We are from different countries. When DW confronted her about it it became clear why as she now calls me Soapy. My name is Sofi. I wish she still called me She tbh