Being referred to as 'She'

[MrsMarshallllllll29]

Good god I need to get this off of my chest!

So all in all I have an okay relationship with mil. We don't really spend a lot of time together purely because of the fact we're so very different. mil is a lovely lady don't get me wrong, and I really do try hard, but this REALLY ticks me off.

I was raised thinking referring to someone as 'She' is really rude. 'SHE has a name' my mum and dad would tell me.

My husband calls his mum at least once a day, and i'm always in earshot or involved in the conversation for a little bit. We live 5 hours apart so FaceTime is usually the only option. But I'm always bloody she!!! This week our house has been hit with a dreadful virus, knocking us and our three kids to six. After mil babying over her son asking how him and the children are feeling and how they're recovering... MIL said 'oh, how's she?' Meaning me of course. But this is like the 100th time it's happened. It's never 'how is k' it's always 'how is she'. It really grinds my gears and I find it a bit rude. I'm always the afterthought and mil can't even say my name but knows I'm in earshot.

AIBU to tell my husband that it bothers me? Or am I just being over sensitive?
Just so tired of it and it annoys me every time it happens. Basically the cats bloody mother at this point!

This would really annoy me, I would start referring to her “she”. When your DH calls - how’s she, she has a good day, she having good weather?

YANBU, your MIL is being rude. Your DH needs to hit back with a she has a name, Mum.

P.s. I thought everyone knows about the cat's mother?

That's not how it becomes rude. It becomes rude when you use sentences without ever referencing the name.
What drink does she want
She fancied a...
That is rude. If you do it a couple of times in a conversation is is rude and becomes belittling. It's a deliberate power thing usually.
We also had the cat's mother thing. You should never use a pronoun until the name has been used.

My Ex used to do this, almost exclusively for people he disliked. And he was a people-hater, so conversations often consisted of a whole load of pronouns from him and me interjecting with "Wait, who?" and "Are we still talking about so-and-so?" at regular intervals. It was like he couldn't bring himself to utter their names, in case it choked him.

We too were brought up with the cat's mother saying (Scotland) and ironically, me ex would be pretty quick to use it to anyone who called any woman he liked "she"!

I know somebody who has referred to certain people as 'she' for as long as I've known her They are always people she dislikes, is envious of, is being petty about. You find it rude because it is rude. Make sure your MIL hears you talking about her in a similar fashion.

After ex and I split up my MIL refused to hear or speak my name and referred to me as "HER". I didn’t even get to be she
The first time I ever met her, she declared afterwards that I was "all fur coat and no knickers" because I took my shoes off after entering her house. Ex filled me in on all of this at the time and she's been dead for years now but it still makes me think WTF?!

@MrsMarshallllllll29

After mil babying over her son asking how him and the children are feeling and how they're recovering... MIL said 'oh, how's she?' Meaning me of course. But this is like the 100th time it's happened. It's never 'how is k' it's always 'how is she'. It really grinds my gears and I find it a bit rude. I'm always the afterthought and mil can't even say my name but knows I'm in earshot.

You could tell her - and your husband when he's making these phone calls - that you prefer to be mentioned by your name. Or,

Do the same back - every single time. Say it cheerfully and lightly, but say it. If/when it's noticed you can say "why's that's problem? She referred to me as "she" for years - why would she mind? 🌹

I was also brought up hearing “Who’s she? The cat’s mother?” But I never understood why it was considered rude and why it was always about women and there was never any concern about men being called “he”.

She’s talking to her son, who is the reason she called. Of course you are a bit of an afterthought in that context but she asks about you, that shows some thought and concern. I think pulling your husband up on his mother’s choice of words and expecting her to conform to your preference when she isn’t even talking to you is a bit controlling and on a hiding to nothing (to use another old phrase).

She hates you.

If you/your dh don't pull her up on it your kids probably will, if they're young and get told not to do it.

It’s rude and deliberate. I would say - in a loud voice - ‘I’ve got a name!’ next time she does it. I also reckon your MIL knows you can hear her.

It’s only my mum’s generation that i’ve ever heard the cat’s mother phrase from. She’s in her 60s.

I wouldn’t give this a second thought.

No. It’s a very strong taboo. It’s much worse than not saying please or thank you.

This is it exactly. Don’t like it either.

She is rude if used in the first instance.

This is fine

"Marsha's been unwell too hasnt she. How's she feeling? "

This is rude, it's like your not worthy of a name

"Hi son are you feeling any better? How are Johnny and joe? And how is She feeling?"

I'd say it casually " have you noticed mil never uses my name? I'm always She. It's quite rude really "

Just do it back

I have a male friend who refers to his wife as she. Even when she's sitting there with us.
I find it grating and extremely rude almost mysogynistic. He's definitely not!

She is rude and badly mannered.
Completely agree with you. These things matter.

You only find it rude because you were told as a child it was rude. If your own mother had referred to others as 'she' you'd have been fine with it.

Your MIL may dislike you, making her refer to you by name won't change that, you'll just have started a petty argument.

So I would say ignore. What will really improve in your life by trying to enforce your own mother's speech rules on your MIL?

I was taught the same as you btw, but it is all in the delivery rather than the word. People can be equally horrible when using your name or she.

It is when you refer to someone initially that it is rude. Not in the rest of the conversation.

Side issue but is it not rude to do the same with He? Or is She somehow derogatory ? (I get the example, was also brought up to say cat's mother)

If she says "how's @MrsMarshallllllll29 "and then moves to on to "she" no issue.

If se never says your name? I'd do the same to her.

Using "she" as a pronoun for a 3rd person is OK. Not in a conversation like that though before the name has been used.

It's the same.

I don't think it's rude at all. Some people just want to be offended.

There was someone who had a go at me for referring to my husband as my husband and she was like he does have a name you know and my response was fuck off and I ended the conversation.

That would be my response to the idiotic "cat's mother" comment, too, trying to be so snarky about nothing.

Yep rude . I was brought up the same . She is the cats mother . Manners cost nothing .

This is entirely correct. You can say "she" with love or use someone's name with disdain. There isn't some sort of magic happening when you use someone's name!908,)