Being referred to as 'She'

[MrsMarshallllllll29]

Good god I need to get this off of my chest!

So all in all I have an okay relationship with mil. We don't really spend a lot of time together purely because of the fact we're so very different. mil is a lovely lady don't get me wrong, and I really do try hard, but this REALLY ticks me off.

I was raised thinking referring to someone as 'She' is really rude. 'SHE has a name' my mum and dad would tell me.

My husband calls his mum at least once a day, and i'm always in earshot or involved in the conversation for a little bit. We live 5 hours apart so FaceTime is usually the only option. But I'm always bloody she!!! This week our house has been hit with a dreadful virus, knocking us and our three kids to six. After mil babying over her son asking how him and the children are feeling and how they're recovering... MIL said 'oh, how's she?' Meaning me of course. But this is like the 100th time it's happened. It's never 'how is k' it's always 'how is she'. It really grinds my gears and I find it a bit rude. I'm always the afterthought and mil can't even say my name but knows I'm in earshot.

AIBU to tell my husband that it bothers me? Or am I just being over sensitive?
Just so tired of it and it annoys me every time it happens. Basically the cats bloody mother at this point!

No I get it. It’s rude.

My FIL calls me she to DH but he’s a bit of a knob anyway who gets pleasure from being unpleasant to me.

I would try to rise above this . You have more important things in your life than this bullshit, as irritating as it is. I would silently grit my teeth but carry on.

Really????
Christ. Shes asking how you are what a bitch

Round these parts I have friends who always refer to their husbands as he. They don't say his name. I think it's odd but perhaps that's what your MIL is doing and means no offence by it. Either way, it really wouldn't upset me.

YANBU. I'm really surprised so many don't consider it rude. How can it be anything other than rude to refer to someone as she instead of using their name in the way the OP has clearly described.

It's not looking for something to be offended about in the slightest.

I would get a t-shirt printed with a big 'SHE' on it.
Everytime MIL said the word I would get into the camera shot and smile and wave.

YANBU - purposely and continuously not using someone's name is disrespectful and passive aggressive. Also disagree with pp's in that your husband should correct her in some way.

It depends if the conversation has gone "me and mrsmarshall are taking the kids to the beach" and mother in law goes "oh how is she?" I wouldn't repeat your name. But if you haven't been mentioned at that point then yes it's rude.

Who's he, the monkeys uncle? Was the male version where I grew up.

This! So many aibus could be with resolved with a short, “oi, don’t do that, insert reasonable reason.”

It is rude to use ‘she’ in the first instance of being mentioned. Obviously fine to use ‘she’ after that.

So MIL would be fine to say ‘how is Martha, what has she been doing today?’

But to open with ‘How is she’ is rude? If there was also a DD in the family and MIL after asking how DH was and then asked ‘how is she’, who would she be referring to, ‘the cat’s mother’ as the saying goes.

To say, “she would like a coffee” or “ she is going shopping” is fine

but for someone to ask “hows she” rather than “Hows Kate” is just plain rude!

id say something to my dh if his mum or siblings spoke about me like that.

I think it's rude and was also brought up with 'Who's she? The cat's mother?'! I even said it to my teenage daughter the other day!

Like others have said, if it's 'Kate said she'd like a drink' and the reply was 'What would she like?' is fine.
Asking how her son and the kids are feeling by name and then saying 'Oh and how's she?' is rude!

If there’s real antipathy to using someone’s name as in this case, then probably yes. However, it’s not quite as important to say ‘this gentleman was in front of me’ rather than ‘he was in front of me’.

I've been very lucky with my sweet MIL but she had the power to piss me off in the past.

I just decided when I was first with DH that I would go whole hog and really join the family - to take the good and the bad. It feels like part of the marriage commitment, I can't separate him from them realistically.

Deciding to love someone can make you forgiving. I always felt that I was far from perfect from her point of view so that acceptance would be a two way street. We love each other so much now.

It’s the same for ‘he’ and ‘she’ when referring to a person in the first instance, rude.

So if OP was talking to her mum, and mum asked after everyone by name and then asked ‘how is he’ when first referring to OP’s DH.

This. You dont use someones name every single time you refer to them, that would sound odd and a bit, car salesmany.

It is very rude indeed. And YANBU to be upset about it. I would passively aggressively start calling her she all the time too. Horrible lady

You spectacularly missed the point that the MIL doesn't use the OPs name... Yes using she in some contexts is fine but it's only ever using the word she instead of someone's name that's the issue.

@soupfiend people aren’t saying you shouldn’t use ‘she’ at all, but the first time someone is referred to you should use their name. So in that example ‘Summa’ is used first, so absolutely fine to use ‘she’ afterwards. It would be rude if the first question was ‘what drink did she want’ if ‘she’is sitting there and two other people are talking about you.

I really do think you should just let it wash by. There are so many worse things to worry about. What is gained by letting this get under your skin? ... it is such a small thing.

@Mischance so OP should accept someone being rude about her

So the OP should just suck up this person being rude to her for ever more and having her kids think the way she is treated by their grandma is acceptable?

I think it's rude too. But I know that other people have different ideas about these slightly old fashioned niche bits of behaviour. So I would assume, absent other evidence that this was a "me" thing.
I was brought up to believe that if someone asked you to pass the, for example, marmalade, you took the lid off the jar before you passed it. I find it hard not be cross with people who don't do this!

That’s a new one on me @CurlewKate! I’ll bear it in mind.

Context? If your husband mentions you by name, perfectly reasonable for her to reply “how is she?”. If she’s bringing you up, bit rude.
Wouldn’t bother me, tbh.