Being referred to as 'She'

[MrsMarshallllllll29]

Good god I need to get this off of my chest!

So all in all I have an okay relationship with mil. We don't really spend a lot of time together purely because of the fact we're so very different. mil is a lovely lady don't get me wrong, and I really do try hard, but this REALLY ticks me off.

I was raised thinking referring to someone as 'She' is really rude. 'SHE has a name' my mum and dad would tell me.

My husband calls his mum at least once a day, and i'm always in earshot or involved in the conversation for a little bit. We live 5 hours apart so FaceTime is usually the only option. But I'm always bloody she!!! This week our house has been hit with a dreadful virus, knocking us and our three kids to six. After mil babying over her son asking how him and the children are feeling and how they're recovering... MIL said 'oh, how's she?' Meaning me of course. But this is like the 100th time it's happened. It's never 'how is k' it's always 'how is she'. It really grinds my gears and I find it a bit rude. I'm always the afterthought and mil can't even say my name but knows I'm in earshot.

AIBU to tell my husband that it bothers me? Or am I just being over sensitive?
Just so tired of it and it annoys me every time it happens. Basically the cats bloody mother at this point!

Yes it was usually done to remind someone they had forgotten their manners

My parents taught me the same. I’ve realised it’s not a common thing so I don’t take it personally at all when others refer to me as she. I do however feel uncomfortable saying it myself.

Rude, dismissive of you as a person and ignorant. I'd do exactly the same back to her.

This is the comment I was looking for🤣🤣

Got to be one of my fave sayings 'who's she, cats mother???🤨🤨🤨'🤣🤣

I dunno, I think this is a bit like thinking the word "woman" isn't genteel, and using "lady" instead. Nothing wrong with being a woman.

I'm a woman and so "she" is grammatically accurate if you're talking about me.

In op's case, it's about her MIL's tone which evidently isn't warm.

My mum gets really annoyed about that as well, I don't really understand it and can't see how it's rude. Am I supposed to say someone's name 30 times in one conversation?

If its a hill you're willing to die on I'd bring it up and say "that's rude, I have a name" or something. But it may seem like you're just trying to get on at people.

I was raised to think it was rude OP I don’t blame you. Can you ask DH to tell her not use your name.

do You hear her do it about anyone else?

No, this is not at all the situation!

More like if in the opening pleasantries of a conversation, the woman asked her son "how are you?", and after his response she asked "and how's she?" instead of "and how's X?".

Edited to add I just realised I've given the exact example OP used! But does it not seem odd to those of you who say it doesn't matter? Do you not use a person's name in the very first reference to them in that conversation?

MrsMarshallllllll29 · Today 21:48
@MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira might just be a saying where I'm from/ grew up with.
'Who's is she? The cats mother?'

My mum always said this too 🤣

As I read the OP the conversation goes like this:

MIL - How are you today, Keith?
Not too bad, Mum, feeling a bit better fortunately.
Glad to hear that. And how are the kids?
Hilda's pretty much OK but Roxy's still quite under the weather.
Oh dear, give them both my love. And how's she?

That's rude. I fail to understand how anybody could hear a conversation like that and not take that last bit as rude.

Context is all.
If MIL is talking to her son and he says something like "Guess where MrsMarshallllllll29 was today?" And MIL responds with "Oh, how is she?" then that seems reasonable enough.
However if MIL is saying, "How are the kids/cats/dogs and how is she?" then that's different.

Second the poster who suggested referring to FIL just as "he" if we are looking at the latter of the options.

It’s rude. It would be ok if she’d already referenced you by name previously in the conversation, but it sounds like she didn’t. The she sounds like it could be italicised, and the overall effect is one of disdain!

Do it right back. Only ever refer to her as 'she'. Every time she phones, ask 'oh, is she on the phone?' or similar.

It might not make a difference but at least you'll get your own jibe in 😁

My mother is hot with the "she" bit. Grinds my gears as well

Trouble is, she doesn't get how insulting it comes across, probably doesn't think anything of it either and tbh I pick my battles

Im not sating its nice nor should it be condoned, just saying I feel your pain

I also was brought up with the "Cat's mother" phrase and taught that it was extremely rude.
Not everybody was though and she may not mean anything by it.

To say "how's she?" rather than "how's Sarah?" for example is plain rude.

Agree with you OP, I’d find that rude too!

When I was a child I had no idea that calling someone “she” was considered rude until one day in year six I was chatting pleasantly to a PE teacher and discovered she was planning to go to the cinema at the same time as me and my friend. I turned to my friend and said, “She’s going to the cinema tomorrow too!” and then the PE teacher exploded furiously, “Who’s she? The cat’s mother!” I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about and was shocked at how angry she was. Even to this day I think she was a bit of a cow to get so cross; it was obvious I didn’t mean any harm and, frankly, “she” is just a pronoun, not an insult.

Grew up with the same expression (south west)
She is bloody rude

It.depends on your upbringing. Mine is Midlands working class
As part of a conversation preceeded by a name is fine, ie "what does Summa want" "she wants a margarita" - that's okay. However "what does She want" "she wants a margarita" is rude and disrespectful where I come.

I think I'm so used to people not saying 'She' that I can't think whether it would sound rude or not

I suppose context is important and the person who's talking

I mean if it's someone who already irritates you then whatever they say is going to grate isn't it

I don't think I ever say She but I'm really not sure tbh. Maybe we say she after saying their name already so it's pretty obvious who we're talking about

I remember my very working class friends parents at school would always get het up over these sorts of pointless irrelevant rules that meant nothing important in the great scheme of things. Like they didn't have more important issues to worry about at work and life to worry about stupid things like this.

I also felt esp with my friends dad that it was a control thing. Just something to hold against people, to shout at them for and get angry at them. Inconsequential nonsense

However in the case of OP MIL I think the MiL is being deliberately rude and knows exactly what she's saying.

You'd always use a name in this instance and never dream if saying She

I grew up with "who's 'she'? The cat's mother?" as a saying too. You can use pronouns towards the end of sentences after having named the person earlier in the same breath but it's rude not to name the person being referred to.

Bloody hell, not more pronoun trouble. Typical MN.

In the early days my future MIL used to refer to me as 'Her', which in her her NI accent sounded a lot like 'Whore'.

Same here!

Yes, it’s rude. My MIL calls me by name, not ‘she’.