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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Male Nursery Staff

616 replies

herei · 24/04/2024 15:59

My child is in Nursery after my return to work. They nursery chain have been hiring make staff recently. My child's nursery has 3 male staff.

My daughter's nappy was changed by a male member of staff. For my own personal reasons I feel upset about this but not sure if I can even say or do anything. I just don't like it.

OP posts:
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WednesdayAllTheWay · 24/04/2024 16:40

Haven't rtft but OP you are really upset.

I would be concerned because I know men pose a greater risk and predators will seek out places where they can abuse, BUT I would balance this with knowing it was still very unlikely due to other staff being observant, safeguarding procedures etc.
But you are very upset, it sounds like due to something that has happened to you maybe, rather than due to fear about these specific staff? (If it is because you suspect these particular staff then obviously you could report and remove your child)

I suggest you need to try to separate those feelings from what is happening here.
Maybe you could talk to a trusted staff member and ask if only female staff could change the nappies, and explain it's for your own reasons?

dutysuite · 24/04/2024 16:40

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I think you’re goading so good bye.

LambertndButler · 24/04/2024 16:41

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BodyKeepingScore · 24/04/2024 16:42

@LambertndButler statistically speaking, a child is significantly more likely to be abused by a male family member than someone unrelated to them. I think the last stats I saw were that something like 85% of CSA was perpetrated by family/extended family members. Could have changed but irrespective of that your comments are truly truly appalling and sexist.

onwardandupwards · 24/04/2024 16:43

My ds nursery keyworker is male and he is the most requested keyworker in the nursery, I absolutely trust him changing my sons pull up and helping him attempt to use the toilet.

SpringYay · 24/04/2024 16:45

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LocalHobo · 24/04/2024 16:45

Dads don’t tend to get involved until their progeny can throw and catch
You are certainly not normal, but I'm sorry for your life experience and hope you can find a good way to exist in the future.
My DS did tennis coaching children (fully DBS checked)when he was a student but only taught from age 7 upwards. He said he didn't want to coach the younger ones as "none of the men do". It is so sad that males feel inhibited to take up roles with younger children.

Dacadactyl · 24/04/2024 16:45

I wouldn't like it either OP.

ToryHater · 24/04/2024 16:45

To all the people saying move your child to another nursery, how do you know the new nurseries next hire won't be male? The nursery cannot reject applicants because they are male, nor can they change their procedures because they employ a male

statetrooperstacey · 24/04/2024 16:45

I used to work at a nursery , we had a man ( one of the owners) working there and over the years we had 2 young men on placement for a couple of months. They were great, however the set up of the nursery was such that no one was ever alone/ out of sight with the children. The only area that was through a closed door was the toilets and nappy changing area and we had a camera there. It’s a shame that you feel that way, the men were absolutely loved by the kids and when we had a couple of dads say they didn’t want their boys playing with dolls and prams and ‘girls’ toys we would point to the men playing with the dolls and prams and small children and raise an eyebrow, it would help put those dads back in their box! They were also excellent role models for the children many of whom didn’t have any men/decent men in their lives. The only objection along the lines you are alluding to was when we had 2 lesbians working there and one mum said she didn’t want them changing her daughters nappy. How would you feel about that op?

jeaux90 · 24/04/2024 16:45

Statistically men commit 98% of sexually violent crimes so I get where the OP is coming from.

DBA checks and safeguards are there for a reason.

PotatoPudding · 24/04/2024 16:46

Tandora · 24/04/2024 16:10

No I don’t assume all men are pedophiles , but 80-90% of child sex offenders are men, and around 80% of victims are girls. So it’s just ridiculous to reverse the genders and pretend it’s exactly the same equivalence.

A child is something like 4000 times
more likely to be sexually abused by a family member than a stranger.

Lukasmummy · 24/04/2024 16:46

If I was looking at my own children, my middle one (who is a boy) is x1000 better at dealing with small children than his sister. That's why he is a young leader for Beavers.

People with attitudes like yours make me sick, if my son wanted to work in care or with children he wouldn't be better or worse at it because he has a penis, he would be amazing at it because he has levels of empathy and compassion beyond most adults and because he genuinely cares about the person in front of him. His sister on the other hand (who you would be fine with because she's female) would do the bare minimum asked of her because while she can be caring and compassionate if it suits her, she finds small children overwhelming and hard to cope with. She also used to drag her dolls around by one leg and make sure they smacked every step going up and down the stairs while he was always worried about tucking them in and keeping them safe.

When it comes to any caring profession some people are better suited for it than others.

Dacadactyl · 24/04/2024 16:47

To those saying there are cameras...is the footage reviewed every single day? If not, I can't see how they help tbh.

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 24/04/2024 16:47

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Based on what exactly?

Parker231 · 24/04/2024 16:47

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All the men I know including my father and uncles were involved with their children from day one. DH and both grandfathers changed many nappies, gave bottles and bath time.

curiouscat1987 · 24/04/2024 16:47

My daughters nursery also has 3 male staff members - she really likes them all. Its so important for her to see a mix of people in different environments so she doesnt get these pre conceived ideas about 'boys things' and 'girls things'. Equality goes both ways op!

Desecratedcoconut · 24/04/2024 16:48

ToryHater · 24/04/2024 16:45

To all the people saying move your child to another nursery, how do you know the new nurseries next hire won't be male? The nursery cannot reject applicants because they are male, nor can they change their procedures because they employ a male

Only 2% of early childcare workers are male, it's not likely. Given the current place seems to be mopping up the local quota, even less likely.

PietariKontio · 24/04/2024 16:49

As someone who changed my daughter and son’s nappies from day 1, and worked in childcare for both mainstream kids and those with disabilities, I can tell you exactly what my motivations were.

To support children to feel safe, confident, to help develop skills and self-expression, to help them socialise and have fun, to help them develop their physical abilities and build friendships.

as for my motivation for working with some who wore nappies or pads, well, aside from that was in no way a reason for doing the job anyway, my aim was to ensure health and comfort.

While its true that the vast majority of pedophiles are men, it’s just as true that the vast majority of men are not, including those who choose to work in care.

You protect kids and other vulnerable people, not by removing men from childcare spaces, but by having systems and processes that prevent abuse from happening. It’s not difficult, in fact with everyone’s vigilance it’s actually quite simple, in fact, in over 20 years working in care, none of the places I’ve worked in has had a case of abuse of any kind. You don’t hear about those places, however, so the narrative is skewed.

ilIncidentally, your child in hospital is far more likely to be murdered by a female nurse, would you like them banned, or would you just like proper safeguarding procedures in place to prevent it?

Also think of the last case of sexual abuse you heard of in a nursery, what was the sex of the perpetrator? She may have been manipulated by an outside man, but still, she did it, and she, whatever her motivations, was infinitely more of a risk to children than I have ever been.

notthatperson · 24/04/2024 16:50

ToryHater · 24/04/2024 16:45

To all the people saying move your child to another nursery, how do you know the new nurseries next hire won't be male? The nursery cannot reject applicants because they are male, nor can they change their procedures because they employ a male

You don't. But if you're the one with the problem you just keep moving your kid

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 24/04/2024 16:50

OP did you not know that men worked there when your child started the nursery? Did you discuss any concerns you had about nappy changing during that time?

WithACatLikeTread · 24/04/2024 16:50

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So every man is a pedo? You do realise women have been convicted of abusing kids in nurseries don't you?

Needsomezzzz · 24/04/2024 16:50

This is a you issue not a nursery issue.
As many have said Nurseries have to follow safeguarding procedures. A staff members gender/sex is irrelevant to being able to do the job.

Maybe a nursery setting is not for you. Perhaps try a childminder.

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 24/04/2024 16:50

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It was always my understanding that children were as likely, more likely even, to be abused by family members.

MFF2010 · 24/04/2024 16:51

I wouldn't let my children be cared for by a male. My brother was abused by a male carer when he was a child and the nursery I initially sent my kids to had had to fire a male member of staff after he was convicted for having child abuse images (this happened before I sent my kids there) 🤷‍♀️ also 99% of sexual offences are carried out by men, why take the risk.