To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

Context is everything. If you weren't speaking prior to that and wouldn't even be in the same room, then a present of any type is a peace offering, especially if personal (and a big gift would not have been appropriate).

If you normally get on very well and usually give bigger presents, I'd be checking out with my dd her finances.

If you don't know the 'significance' of a gift four months later, this speaks to problems in the relationship. I don't even remember specifically what I got from my dd's at Christmas except it was a nice day! I certainly wouldn't know what each person got or its monetary value.

This book is symbolic, but of what, only you and your dd know.

Not surprised to see the usual MN piile on about being ungrateful, entitled and greedy etc etc.

It's a mean present. If you are going to buy someone close to you a second hand book because you really think they will like it, you also buy something 'new' and shiny because it's Christmas and you love them. A pot plant. Chocolate. A pair of fluffy socks. Something. I get the £10 threshold thing - it's an amount that means they might skip a coffee or something - it shows you are worth them sacrificing an amount that they feel - even if only a bit.

But everyone else is going to tell you about the 'spirit of Christmas' OP.

@HellonHeels well you'd think people would rub out the prices - but often they don't.
I've actually bought books in one charity shop with their (shop name) sticker on the front with one price and a different shops sticker on the back with a different price 😂

Does it have to be about the cost.
If you like the book what difference does it make.

Boomer, have you heard about the COL crisis that is tormenting the country, especially the younger generation?
You should be ashamed of your ungratefulness.

Yeah this. ^ The OP's DD is either in a shit load of debt - 10s of 1000s, or she and her mum (the OP) don't have a good relationship. My DDs would have spent £3 on me when they were 10, and still at 'little school!' A grown woman spending £3 on her mother for her birthday is not normal in any family I know, (especially when that grown woman/daughter is a professional, and on a good salary.)

My DDs spend around £40 to £45 on me for my birthday - and their dad (my DH.) Unless it's a birthday age ending in a 0. Then they will spend around £100-120 on us. We spend around £85-90 on them though. (For birthdays that are not BIG birthdays,) and around £200 on big birthdays. And we don't mind. We CHOOSE to do that.

Me and DH usually pay when we go out for meals with them. Though when it's our 2 DD and their partners we split the bill. Wouldn't be fair on me and DH to pay for all 6 adults. Especially as our 2 DDs partners both eat like a horse!

Why the F do you call the OP a boomer?!!! (And you say it in such a horrible insulting derogatory sneery way too!)

Her daughter is in her 20s, so the OP is very likely only middle aged/possibly in her 40s. Boomer indeed! Clearly an excuse to have a go at the older generations - so rude!

Where has OP said she has a wonderful relationship with her daughter?

If you read OP's other thread, her daughter sounds judgemental and controlling, and she does not send OP a card, let alone a present, on OP's birthday.

👏👏Glad you got there before me Sabrel.

Well why is the OP shocked then that her daughter only spent £3 on her for her birthday?

And I didn't see the OP's other thread, because I don't go searching through a poster's posting history. I am responding to her posts here on this thread!!!

Yabu. Times are hard for so many now, I have everything I need to I tell my kids not to worry just having time with them is enough. Only 1 is an adult, sometimes he is skint and I'd rather he spent the £10 on fuel to get to work or having a beer with a friend.

She's not shocked, she is just trying to gauge if it's ok to be disappointed.

No one is expecting you to but no need to make assumptions either.

So, you aren't much of a reader then, OP?

@AnnaSewell I bought my DD a Magimix food processor ~£325. She bought me... a t-shirt :-( I still love her.

Yeah that post annoyed me @Kandalama Sick of the ageism on here -(particularly towards older people, as the ageism on here seems to be largely aimed at older people - over 65 anyway!)

That's right - rub salt into the wound for the OP!

😆 I'm just kidding! Hope you're enjoying your food processor!!!!

Come on, it's a shit gift.

My mum and I both enjoy reading but a £2.50 charity shop book is the sort of think I'd bring along on a visit because "I saw this and thought it might interest you", not an entire birthday or Christmas gift.

OP, if your DD was struggling financially or there's some kind of back story between you, that might explain it, but I don't think this is usual behaviour.

When I was in my 20s, my parents weren't badly off but money was tight. I enjoyed the fact that on a professional salary with no dependents I could treat them occasionally, and used to enjoy buying what were quite "big" presents for us and paying for the odd meal out.

OP I am so sorry - whether we like it or not, presents represent some form of value (not necessarily in relation to the monetary spend, it could be effort and thoughtfulness as well) and I would react exactly the same way as you. I think for some, they genuinely don't 'feel' the value of a present, but for goodness sake it's not a hard thing to fake. Like I said it's not about going out and spending loads, it's about letting someone know you value them enough to think about what to get them, or that you think enough of them to make them something, for example.

A few years ago my father asked me if I'd mind if he never bought me a present again because he found it too stressful to think of something. He was always that way. He never had a problem as kids, finding a gift for my brother that cost loads, then telling me about how he'd found it. I'd get an umbrella or an LP. I felt such contempt for him at that moment. It was him telling me I wasn't worth any effort. And you know what, it was the culmination of him showing it in various ways for several decades. (By the way, my husband gets a present from him every birthday.)

I am not sure what you can do except gently ask her if she has stuff going on that's affecting her, and mention you noticed she didn't really do Christmas (or say something like that). Maybe she's angry with you and you don't know it.

Yep tight and unthoughtful.
I think less generous with her presents next time round.

It's not about owing us something, it's about appreciating people who love you and showing love in return, as a well-balanced adult.

Of course they didn't ask to be born - no one does - but that doesn't mean reciprocal love, respect, affection, generosity and thoughtfulness aren't desirable in our relationships with our adult children.

OMG I would be so proud of my adult daughter for:

Buying me a gift.
Looking after the planet by buying second hand.
Supporting a charity.
Being frugal with her money.
Not thinking I cared about monetary value enough to rub out the price.

Seems like she has turned out ok - despite you.

Perhaps she's trying to tell you something.

Just don’t do gifts going forward. You’re low income & your daughter clearly feels that spending more than a couple of pounds is too much.

Money spent doesn’t equal love.

Oh come on, you know what it means. Op, this won't be about the book i know, it's about value/thoughtfulness and the way this is shown. How is she generally? and how were you valued as a child, did you get thoughtful presents.

I am generally baffled by the lack of ability to see beyond the actual thing that people post about.