To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

@fromthegecko I think that's the whole point, if the context is loving family relationships and someone ran out and got you a charity book they think you will love, that's would be fine for me. If it's bought as a snub or to make a point, then that's different. I don't think this story can be about a book, because these things never are. If that's the case, OP, then it's fine to feel as you do and to keep parenting consistently (but don't spend £75 if you don't want to at Christmas, if it seems disproportionate).

According to the OP, she only was unhappy with the book when she saw the price written inside it four months after receiving the gift.

If the book was acceptable until she saw a price written in it, the OP is judging their relationship on money spent.

The price might even be a red herring, Loads of second hand books I've bought in shops, online or at events have had pencilled in prices that don't represent what I've spent at all. The story book I ordered from Nova Scotia for my mother in Wales said $1.75 and cost me £15, but I thought it would really mean something to her.

As I said upthread, my daughter did give me a second hand book for Christmas this year. She chose it because she thought of me when she saw it - it was far in advance of Christmas when she came across it. I am really touched; it's a very thoughtful gift.

Posters claiming a book is a thoughtless gift aren't readers, I guess. Choosing a book is a very thoughtful thing to do.

I wish everyone did smaller gifts at Xmas, it’s such a stressful time and I’d much prefer the focus to be on spending time with loved ones than gifts. My friend buys all her gifts in charity shops and I think that’s so much better financially and for the environment.
I’d get so much more enjoyment out of a £2.50 second hand book that I would enjoy reading, than a £30 bath set that would end up sitting around unused for 6 months then put on the schools tombola!

This - context is all.

Only the family truly knows the context.

What does she usually spend on you? What's your relationship like? What did she buy for other people? If you have a happy relationship and she usually buys you more, my guess is that she was just extremely skint that month. She's mid-20s and renting, so even on a decent enough salary she probably has some pretty lean months.

If she's cold or difficult towards you in general and never bothers to make any effort for you, and everyone else got expensive gifts, that's obviously a different matter.

I think it's very hard to whether YABU without knowing the whole dynamic of the relationship, really.

DH and I are huge readers and buy most of our books from charity shops. But I wouldn't think of giving him second hand books as a Christmas/birthday gift unless it was something rare and unusual/out of print I know he'd like. And he feels the same.

Is she perhaps more eco than you and wants to receive modest sustainable gifts?

Genuine question, why do you think your gift was better? New? Cost? Have a deep think.

She doesn't think you are "worth less than a tenner". Or is £10 the going rate for a mum?

The book is a red herring. Either you have a close relationship and she loves you, or you don't. The book could exist in either scenario.

You'd rather she'd paid more than she had to for it?

I could see it being a problem if you're an author with a hatred of people buying secondhand or she'd bought you Mein Kampf. Or possibly if you have OCD/some kind of anxiety that a secondhand book would stress you out on the basis of hygiene.

Otherwise, don't see the fuss.

I thought this too, so I did have a look at past threads and it appears that the OP and her daughter had a huge falling-out over something quite significant (OP was involved in some sort of fairly public litigation about something the daughter was fundamentally opposed to/hurt by/embarrassed about) and around autumn time they were not actually speaking, the daughter had ignored the OP's birthday and the OP didn't even want to be in the same room as her daughter at a family gathering.

So I think this is a really disingenuous thread, to be honest. The second-hand book is really not the issue here.

I think that’s pretty low effort OP I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all in feeling hurt.

Well they are, aren't they?! It doesn't have to reflect money but match the thought, prepartion and time. My friend bought my children easter eggs, it was unexpected and appreciated. I gave her a free holistic treatment at a later date. Someone gives me something then I give back. The poster doesn't have to spend alot on someone who spent £2.50 on a second hand book. Spending less or making a thoughtful gift is fine.

Wowwww you’re not wrong!
There’s a lot unsaid by the OP… this isn’t out of the blue. Major family issues!

Fuck me. Just read the other thread where OP details the relationship with the daughter. I’d be grateful for the book in these circumstances. Its peace offering and acknowledgement of the birthday.

Looked at the other thread 😂 feel a bit duped that I gave a bit of an insight into personal experience with my finances. OP, be grateful for the book, stop being a dick and accept your daughter is her own person and entitled to her own views. Leave politics away from family.

I just read that too.
The OP also asked questions about toddler/ baby milestones and as her daughter is mid twenties presumably the toddler is not OP’s. Has OP upset daughter by saying things about her toddler’s development?

Yes, but not just that. Spending £2.50 years n a charity shop book indicates a lack of effort. So yes the thought is nice but that’s not enough. The same goes for an expensive present that wasn’t thoughtful. ‘Value’ doesn’t need to be money, it can be time, effort etc.
Stop undervaluing yourself if you think this is ok.

Well it's not too much to ask to erase the price mark is it? Low effort not to.

I do think the op is being ridiculous but what is so offensive about Easter cards? I don’t send them but I got two this year and thought ‘how nice that someone is thinking of me enough to send me this card’ when I received them.

Surely a card is the opposite of materialism? It’s inexpensive and thoughtful to go to the effort of writing and posting a card to say ‘thinking of you’ isn’t it?

I don't think OP is being disingenuous, but she's wrong to hope for an independent view on whether this is an objectively Bad Present, because it can only really be assessed within the full context.

Just to show how hard it is, even with full context some PP are saying 'be grateful for the olive branch' while I'm thinking it was a deliberately shitty present.

This.
@AnnaSewell Mum buys presents from charity shops sometimes- Sister in law was ???! but I realise it’s just her way- and she can buy some really thoughtful things from there.

Do you get on well with your daughter normally?

How sad that your daughter seemed aware of your response and rubbed out the price.
My daughter mid twenties bought us all charity shop gifts for Christmas last year due to being environmentally aware.
This is an upcoming trend currently too, so prepare yourself for more of it.
Its the thought that counts not the expense.

My adult daughter did the same for me, great book, perfect for me and only cost a few £

OP is upset because her daughter was cheap - and she was. I can understand her being hurt. No issue with giving or receiving 2nd hand books. I would definitely not start a tit for tat crap present war with my own child though (or anyone). I might delicately try to find out if they have any money worries.

From what other posters on here are saying, it sounds like there are lots of issues between mother and daughter, so there is probably more to it.

When I was 14 my mother gave me a fiver for pocket money. It was the first time I’d ever had pocket money.
(Bear in mind this was 1972). Anyway, I split it. I bought her a birthday present that I thought she’d really like (a dress ring) and got myself some eyeshadow with the rest. Fortunately I’d kept a wee bit back because on her birthday I got beaten black and blue for not spending it all on her and for buying a cheap ring. I got sent to the local newsagent, before school and scraped enough for an Agatha Christie paperback.
I vowed then that I would never set my kids up to fail and that I would always be grateful for anything they bought me.
She got you a present, it was by a favourite author. Be grateful and be kind.