To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

I get how you feel OP, and I am a very unmaterialistic person. It's an underlying feeling that, 'It's just mum so any old shit will do,' rather than, 'My mum, who has done so much for me - how can I show her my love?'

One of my DC always does me a hand drawn card on mother's day and for birthdays. The other always gives me a card from a pack I bought him as a stocking filler years ago. Neither cost anything but one shows thought and the other doesn't. And thought = affection sometimes, when you've cared for them for two decades.

That might not have been what she paid for it. I frequently buy books from eBay, abe books, secondhand book shops and charity shops and they often have a price written inside that's not what I paid - because that price is from when the book was sold a dozen times ago in a different shop and no one has rubbed out the price.
(Most charity shops don't write the price inside these days anyway. They either have a price sticker on the front or a "all books £1" sign on the shelf)

I bought my friend a second-hand book for Christmas, about a particular stately home she liked. It is out of print, and I sourced it on eBay. It was in good condition and the seller was kind enough to wrap it in Christmas paper, write a gift tag with a note from me and post it out to her as a gift.

The OP immediately came back to me and said her daughter is on a professional salary and has no debt.

My immediate thought was she can’t possibly be so sure. I worked so hard in my twenties at keeping up appearances because I wanted my parents to think I was successful and not be disappointed in my. Even now they don’t know how much of a mess I got myself into. Between a high rent and high levels of expenses though things like having to socialise with work, work clothes etc my COL was bonkers.

I love reading and have many books.
My children in their 20s have a handsome wage they earn more than me but its their money they have got me books as low as 20p from charity shops or 5 for a £1.
To me its the fact they still think of me.
Its not about the price tag is it.
Money is tight i have always told mine dont spend out on me you owe me nothing.
I rather have a secondhand book or secondhand something else than both of them spending silly amounts on something flashy.
Even for xmass and birthdays i get a holiday voucher but honestly i do like the books more.

Agreed. A £2.50 book chosen for me that I really like is worth more than a new hardback costing £20 about some personality I've never heard of / would hate.

If you think the book was chosen with care, try not to let the price tag upset you.

(said from someone whose own mother bought her a charity shop T shirt for her 40th birthday, 10 whole sizes too big, oh yes ...)

£2.50 is less than a coffee in London.
surely if she was so worked up about appearances she could forego coffee for a week and buy something more thoughtful.

if the explanation is that the daughter is in debt from trying to keep appearances with friends and colleagues so that she has £2.50 left for her mum’s Christmas present- how is that any better? She values others more than her mum, which is exactly what stings

I would be pleased that she got me a gift and that she was supporting a charity shop. Much rather children kept in regular touch and did other thoughtful things like making me a cup of tea, cheering me up if I need it etc etc.

£2.49 is a rubbish gift, no wonder you're peed off.

Our children owe us nothing we as parents chose to have them they didnt ask us to be born.
Be grateful.

I wouldn't give someone a gift that didnt look like it was in a 'new' condition.

Charity shop gifts are fine if they look new. It's a bit crap to give someone a used looking gift, unless it's collectable or rare.

I really struggled with paying my rent and for food etc at one point in my twenties. I had a feckless boyfriend and was subsidising him. I had a job. My parents would've had no idea.
I suppose it depends what's normal in your household. But DD often buys me thoughtful stuff from charity shops and I do the same for her. I wouldn't be looking at the price paid. Does she show you in other ways that she loves you?

This.

OP I wouldn’t be so sure you know everything about your daughter’s finances.

Like a PP I had a professional job in my twenties…and I got v heavily into debt. My mum had no idea.

Or your daughter might just be being canny with her money and thought you’d like it - I don’t know - but I really wouldn’t assume she’s well off.

It is April….let it go…

Is it thoughtful though? If she'd hunted down the book, knowing it would be something her mother would love, then the cost wouldn't matter. But if she left getting a gift to the last minute and she nipped into a charity shop and grabbed the first thing she could get away with, then I think you have every right to be miffed, OP.

Sorry, my point was I was trying to keep up appearances. Her daughter might be in the same situation I was having on the face of it a successful job, but actually be making more sensible decisions. So rather than putting another 100 quid on a credit card to look successful she might have made the decision that looking back I wish I had done.

@AnnaSewell I understand OP. You feel she's just grabbed something that was cheap, with no thought.
Although one of my sons once gave me a second hand book, it was an old Agatha Christie edition - my favourite author. It was was very inexpensive, but I loved it. More context is needed I think. Otherwise just smile and breathe. At least she didn't give you a kitten or something like that ( assuming you don't want a kitten).
BTW - one of the best books ever BB

Is it thoughtful though? If she'd spent time hunting down that exact book because she knew it would be something her mother would love, then fair enough. But if she left it to the last minute then popped into the charity shop and grabbed the first thing she thought she could get away with, then you've every right to be miffed. I suspect it was the latter, and I'd be pissed off too. Still, it would let me off bothering for her birthday.

This.

Assuming that the daughter isn't really strapped for cash, by all means by a charity shop book if the book is one she thinks her mother will enjoy - but add something else, even if it's some favourite chocolate, warm winter socks, a box of shortbread - something that says "I love you and haven't just picked up the first piece of cheap shit I think I can get away with."

We have no issue with 2nd hand/used books as gifts - but I would feel bad giving only that to my Mum. She is forever telling us to spend less on them! I'd have thought she could surely have stretched to £20 or £30? She isn't planning to take you out or anything? I've often given quite small gifts as 'things', and then added on an experience.

my mum actually hunted down a board game i loved as a child, i assume scouring charity shops and ebay. I was explicit in "if you see it cheap, get it, its not worth £30 for a new one"

She does love brik a brak. So a 2nd hand jigsaw with cats on it would be fine (at risk of a missing peice) - though if it was only £2 i'd get her a few. Not think "job done"

So, I love books, and I'd be more delighted with a book than any other present, plus I'd be impressed my children were hunting round charity shops for books for me!

In terms of effort, I feel this is more than getting a £10 book off Amazon.

This would be a standard gift exchange in our house- they'd put a book, perhaps a scarf/item of clothing (charity shopped) and some choccies in a bag for me, or make up a stocking of very cheap items.

I spend lots more on them because- I'm their mum! My mum gives me more than I give her, that's the chain of money, it flows down!

It’s a big assumption though isn’t it. All I read in the media is about how tough those starting out have it. How rents are increasing and outpacing earnings. Credit card debt is increasing as well as uncleared balances and more and more people are turning to buy now pay later schemes. I don’t know many young professionals who are rolling in it- even in professional jobs.

Round us, charity shop books are never worth a tenner, either. We have a local charity shop that has a book room and everything is 80p! Imagine that!

I know that it's bad form to remember earlier threads, but your backstory is so distinctive I can't forget it. She did this to insult and wound you. All you can do is heap coals of fire, by continuing to be a good and loving mother.