To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

Was it Black Beauty?

Buying and sending gifts and cards is often a chore when you're an adult, but you do it to let the recipient know that you value them and because you want to treat them.

By the time you're an adult, it's not necessary to enjoy choosing and buying gifts/cards, although of course a bonus if you do. Rather like how some of us enjoy cleaning or doing the grocery shopping, and some really don't.

I remember one Christmas as a teenager, after buying gifts for my friends, I o ly had enough left over to buy my mum a box of Matchmakers. She was absolutely disgusted with me. I made sure I didn’t make that mistake the following year.

Obviously with a small child, let's say around 7 or 8, any old gift is fine because you're just pleased that they've thought about you (or at least been encouraged to do so). And kids do tend to view their parents as "part of the furniture", as it were, and take them for granted - not really special, not requiring any special acknowledgement, just there to help and support in the background.

But surely there comes a point at which parents and children transition to a more "equal" relationship and children acknowledge their parents as full human beings with opinions and preferences, not just annoying support staff.

I once had a boyfriend who used to buy his parents any old tat - usually pet-themed and cringe-worthy - for their birthdays. The parents would pretend to like it and say how sweet it was, but none of the stuff was ever used. He wasn't mean but put almost zero thought into it - 5 minutes on Amazon on the train home from work and £200 of gift-wrapped crap would be on the way to his parents. He never wrapped anything or wrote a card. But then they infantilised him generally (did his washing, waited on him hand and foot) and it was obvious he'd never been encouraged to think that other people's preferences were something that should be given much thought. It seemed poetic justice, if a bit wasteful, to me that they should therefore be subjected to a lifetime of cat-shaped pillboxes and awful patterned scarves!

She’s saving the planet and being sensible with her money and chose a thoughtful gift all in one. Isn’t that better? Christmas is commercial nonsense, putting people under ridiculous pressure.

Don't worry mum, I won't get you nothing this year! Your welcome 😉

I've read your posts (on this thread only) and some of the other pps posts.

Your point is interesting. I've always bought my family/friends interesting gifts that I took time to research, source etc. Quite necessary for antique/vintage items. So it was clear these were 2nd hand/used. I then do stocking filler type gifts (eg chocolates etc referenced several times on this thread). For the last few years my mum has moaned (about anything) - so I buy too much/my sibling buys the wrong type of book. (She only reads a certain genre). For her recent birthday - old one, not a big one - I bought a couple of items but also a book of local interest. She is fussy about non-genre books so I was not going to buy it new @£18-20. Potentially in the charity shop bag in minutes. Local charity shops all out - eventually I sourced it privately. I was clear it was 2nd hand - she has it by a table so is possibly reading it. I took bags of books to the charity shop this weekend - including all of the books that my sibling (had tried very hard) to provide.

My DC is generously gifted to by family and friends. That is the pattern that they see. I'm divorced - for mothers day historically my ex's family engaged; my family didnt. So my DC would get me a card and gift when younger - sourced by my ex. Now DC are older they dont bother with me, but do with my ex because "he will have a strop Mum if we dont". I'm not as OK with that attitude as I might have hoped to be.

With friends now I am of an age where it is a treat (lunch/dinner) or consumables. Great friends but we are all reducing our items.

So I sympathise a lot with not feeling valued. That's hard and its emotional. Perhaps a conversation with your DD about why that book. Maybe she is remembering a happy time/conversation - though it might spark a good memory.

My kids are pre-teens still so I am having to imagine how I’d feel. I think I’d feel like I’d rather they spent £2.50 on me than a tenner. I’d probably not be arsed if they didn’t get me anything. I know my value and I think I’d feel like I’d rather they kept their money for themselves and their own needs and wants.

What did she buy others?

So its about the money spent and not the intention? Got it

I am with OP. I get you. It sounds mean and cheap. Surely she could have spend 10 or even 20 pounds on her mother. I say so, because I shower my mother with presents, whenever I can. She could have bought, yes, the book, if she tought you would enjoy it. However, she could have added something else, like a bath set, some item of clothing, a gift voucher ... Yes, it is the thought that counts. And the message that the OP got is that she does not value her mother enough to make an effort with her present. Next Christmas, I would give her a book from the charity shop, with the price still written on ... just joking ... but it is a thought that cross someone's mind.

Too many replies to read here, but I buried my amazing mum 2 years ago. I bought her lavish gifts as well as cheap ones, since I became an adult, depending what I could manage. But either way I put my heart & soul into them. Just as my parents did when I was small. I would be upset and pretty disgusted if my mum was concerned with how much I had spent on a gift! The same message I give to hubby & kids for me. The thought is a million times more important than the cost. My husband spent £50+ getting me gifts from the kids this Mother’s Day, but my most important gift, and my treasure - a cheap “ring”
that my 6 year old bought me from school
with his £1! He is so proud to see men wear it , that I do every day! If wasn’t expensive but bought with love!

Depends on the person.
I know one person who I ask specifically what they'd like and they tell me the names of second hand books that are on their wishlist and I order them online. That's what they like to receive as a present. They love books and also reusing/recycling. I know other people who would be upset if I gave them a second hand book as a present so I definitely wouldn't give one to them. So I don't think you are being unreasonable because surely she knows you well enough to know roughly what kind of gift you like.
But I suppose on the plus side she remembered your birthday. And it's hard to know....some people are very into the environment etc these days and perhaps they are thinking more about a cause than the individual that they are giving the present to.

My dad likes doing puzzles. The one year I got him two from the charity shop. Like books most people do them once and that’s it. He would return them to the charity shop and get another. He was rather miffed thinking they where new (without saying it) and that I had spent so much on him until he found out they where £2 each from the charity shop and he was made up then! Surely it’s the thought that counts. Maybe she couldn’t afford much but she still tried to get you something you’d like.

I once said to someone it’s the thought that counts and they replied oh yes and some people have lousy thoughts…

never forgotten it 😂

Whatever happened to it being the thought that counted? Did they forget? No, did they get you something they thought you would enjoy, regardless of price? Yes. Love shouldn't me measured on how much someone spends on someone else, maybe she is having cash flow issues at the minute?
Personally think this post sounds very ungrateful.

It obviously was in good condition if you didn't realise it was second hand when you opened it so yes YABU. What difference would it make receiving the exact same book that was paid 4 x as much for?

Have you not heard of the cost of living crisis? You flippantly say daughter could have added x, you or z to the gift. Maybe she actually couldn't. I'd rather my child didn't go hungry or get into debt for my Xmas present and I'd actually be discreetly asking if they need financial help

If you buy from amazon if can be 2nd hand resellers. A price marked is not necessarily paid

Your daughter’s salary is irrelevant, she bought you a book she thought you’d like. The book cost £2.49 how would it have made it a better book by costing £10?
Don’t be so ungrateful some people don’t even get a £2.49 book

How amazing to have a frugal lovely daughter who will peruse the second hand book shop for a book that she thinks you would like. She is thinking of you, of the planet and it's resources, and of her own ability to support her self.

I HATE it when my kids spend up big on me; I utterly think it is such a waste and I enjoy a preread book much more than a new one..

Don’t take it to heart

A friend once bought me a large hard backed book for Christmas, on how to throw parties at home, generous but a bit of an odd choice, I thought.

The back few pages of the book, looked a bit scrunched up, and the receipt was there amongst those pages, showing that she had bought four of those books in January ( sale) for 50p each. LOL

Its the thought that counts . 🤣🤣

Dont worry about the book you received, there could be all sorts of reasons, it was still nice to get something.

Some people just aren't into splurging out on expensive stuff. Maybe your daughter is one of those and you're still seeing her as a child rather than a grown adult, making her own choices. If the book was something you enjoyed the price is irrelevant.

if she makes an effort in other ways and keeps in touch regularly then not spending a tenner on a book shouldn't be a yardstick to measure your relationship by.

I think that OP's slightly tongue in cheek post is alluding to the fact that the gift seems thoughtless, so much so that DD didn't even bother to conceal the price. I know where OP is coming from because my exh once did a similar thing to me. In his case he bought me a cheap dress that had obviously come from a bargain bucket. It was the wrong size and torn in places. It hurt me as much as his other manipulations because he was definitely telling me what he thought of me (not saying op's DD is being this extreme by the way).

I have a felling that op would have been thrilled if her daughter had gone to the trouble of picking a pebble from the beach and painting it because that is a sign of love and affection, which you can't actually place a price on.

You enjoy books from charity shops so she chose you a book from a charity shop….but for some odd reason you think that means you’re worth £2.50?
Plus a £40k salary and paying high rent is not a rich person.
Most adults don’t even swap birthday presents - does that mean they’re all worthless?