To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

We always have a limit for the adults, usually £5 or £10.

I personally would spend more on my DD when she’s an adult, than I’d expect her to spend on me.
I would probably tell her not to buy me anything like I do now she’s a teen anyway and so a small token gift would be appreciated.

I think it’s a bit odd that 4 months later you are still thinking about this.

Once upon a time, when I was not earning, I went to the library, borrowed 2 books that I knew my parents would read. Wrapped them up, presented them at Christmas time and told them they had 3 weeks to read them or I would get a library fine 😁 we still laugh about it now!

I'm a bit torn here. I am someone who does get quite hurt about a lack of effort, but some of my best receiving experiences have been books from Oxfam. My favourite gifts would be a well-chosen second hand book plus an Alpine chocolate bar from M and S nicely wrapped up. Thoughtful and good for the planet. But a book just picked up without much thought and nothing else would leave me underwhelmed.

I would be curious as to what sort of gifts she gave to others - say, a boyfriend or close friend? If she was genuinely short of cash and they got similar gifts then I would be happier about it than if she spent lots more on decent gifts but reckoned her own mother didn't deserve anything more than a cheap, second hand book.

Quite spectacularly mingey. Has she always been mean or do you think this was a message?

I remember being on a 'professional wage' in my mid 20s and existing totally on credit cards, with my parent having no real idea (not that he would have been in a position to help if he did). I used to (and still did until I moved to a country that doesn't really have this concept of second-hand/charity store stuff) regularly gift from charity shops but I must admit I always took care to make the item look as 'fresh' as possible or, where that wasn't possible, to take care with something hand written or personalised to accompany it.

Is it a radical departure from her usual gift-giving patterns/ those established in your family, or indeed spending patterns which would indicate any cause for concern or indications of struggling - financially or otherwise? One year my mental health was so bad around Christmas I barely had the strength or capacity to get out of bed and do my christmas shopping. Worth a 1-1 chat to establish?

If yes to the radical departure in gift style, but you are certain the reasons are not financial, or any wellbeing issues with your daughter, are there any other issues in your relationship, being honest with yourself, which would explain why this gift might have been given in this manner as some sort of signal or message, indicating a lack of harmony in your relationship? Worth a 1-1 chat to establish?

You are allowed to feel the sting. Everyone is materialistic to some degree and I think that some of the replies on here have been a bit disingenuous to be honest, especially without clear indication from you that this is a standard pattern of operating gift wise in your family/with your daughter. I think there is a huge gulf between recognising the true value of christmas/family/whatever not being about pointless, wasteful expense, and wishing someone had been a bit more thoughtful when it came to your gift, especially where you feel you have been thoughtful in return.

I wonder how many of the people expressing total shock and outrage at your materialistic outlook can hand on heart say they would be totally content with the same approach, if they don't come from a family where this is the total norm?

Anyway, the point is, it's ok that you are not them, and you feel hurt.

If there's no disharmony, no financial or other wellbeing issues, and it's a real departure from the norm, then you have a couple of choices, outside of the option to get involved in some weird tit for tat present passive agressive war, which seems odd and not recommended.

recognise the sting, and let it go.
recognise the sting, and have a chat about it, if it's something you are likely to stew on.

Whole range of options could come out of the chat. Maybe she was skint. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she just truly wasn't arsed this year, but hadn't stopped to think about how this would come across. Maybe she did and didn't care cos you've pissed her off. Maybe she's just selfish. Maybe she just won't understand you and will think you're being shallow and materialistic.

Most of these outcomes are ok :) And the ones that aren't are probably going to have a better outcome after a chat anyway.

Sorry this was so long, I really got into my head about it.

I have a relative who always gives a book for Christmas.
Ok it's a good, if modest gift. However she always reads the book before wrapping it and tells me so. Often the books are from a charity shop, stickers and all. One year she bought me the same book as previous year and it wasn't even an author I liked.
She outdid herself last Christmas by giving me a book I had lent her some months earlier, (recognisable by the charity shop sticker I had paid a £1 for it many years ago).

No, the part that says I'm glad i modelled myself etc, makes no sense

I don't care where my presents come from, but I would be hurt if they were thoughtless.

My daughter has bought me a playing cards set for my birthday, and I know it cost 50p from Oxfam. It is beautiful and I love it, and she chose it with some thought for my interests. I'd much rather have that than generic chocolates.

A £2.50 book is fine, but needs to be the right book.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Why would it make any difference to your feelings based on the difference of £7.51?
I can’t imagine putting a gifting amount from my children who are a similar age to your daughter.

The sanctimony and saintliness on this thread is something else.

This doesn’t make sense. You already knew the book was second hand because it has signs of wear. And you surely knew that a second hand, slim paperback would not be £10.

So I’d tell you to lower your expectations to avoid being disappointed, but I’m not convinced that this is a genuine post. If you’re going to make things up, at least make sure the basic details make sense.

It means that mothers model selflessness to their daughters, but the pp also modelled to hers that mothers are people with feelings that matter; and she's glad that she did.

💯.

It's about making an effort. We should want to treat people we love on their birthdays. From a young child, that might be a homemade card and baking a cake with another adult, from a teenager a small gift and breakfast in bed. From an adult, you'd expect a bit more tbh. It's not about the money, it's about the gesture. For example, they could offer to come round and cook a nice meal.

The answer to this is, "it depends."

I bought a book for a dear friend recently. It was secondhand on ebay and cost me £2.85.

BUT

It is a rare book that she hasn't already got about a subject she loves.

It does seem a bit mean and thoughtless .

THis should have been in your OP.

I think she didn't put any thought at all into your gift, OP. I'm sorry.

Whatever the backstory between OP and her daughter is, if you’re going to get a present for a family member, you don’t give them an obviously cheap one.

I’m sorry for your loss. But your daughter’s death doesn’t mean that no one else is allowed to have a complaint about their daughter and should just shut up.

Someone else could come here and say, “You should be grateful your daughter lived long enough to give you a present. You should be grateful you can go to a cemetery. My infant daughter was killed in an explosion and no one’s body could be identified.” Would that be remotely helpful to you? Would you feel grateful, or would you feel like that person was using grief and trauma as a weapon to metaphorically smack you with?

Was it Black Beauty?

Was it a book she thought you would love? What if she genuinely saw the book and thought Mum would love this.

My best present from my son is something really cheap but has the same image of his tattoo on so it always reminds me of him and is worth more to me than my good designer handbag!

Some of these posts are hilarious, and of course there's at least one 'sad tale of only tangentially related, don't you know how lucky you are, woe,' that crop up repeatedly. I'm surprised nobody's brought up Palestine yet for full MN-ungrateful-I-wish-I-had-your-problems-bingo.

A book itself is a nice present and I personally wouldn't be bothered if it was brand new OR came from a charity show
A £2.50 book ON IT'S OWN and nothing else, for a present from someone who can afford more, and who has happily received much more expensive presents not to mention all the other help I'm sure OP has given her dd over the years, is unthoughtful and selfish. Of course it's not unreasonable to expect someone to spend a bare minimum of effort on you once a year. OP has suggested she'd be happy with a book costing a tenner - how that can possiby be perceived as demanding or grabby I have no idea.

It's not a great gift. I'd be disappointed too

In principle, I quite like the idea of no gifts at all / charity donations instead of gifts / a challenge to spend under £10 / several second hand books to the value of one new one

But, I think that should be agreed / discussed first, to check everyone is "on board"

My daughter is 28. My birthday is Christmas Eve. She planned on sending me a box of chocolates for my birthday and christmas. But then she sent it to her dad, my ex, instead as he had got engaged. I’d have definitely treasured it if she’s sent it to me lol.. (I still love her, god bless her).

I see all the worthys are out - I think it's a very cheap gift. I always say to my DD who is the same age not to buy me anything much so Im not grabby but I'd be hurt

But surely you would understand that young adult would spend more on a new romantic partner they are just establishing a relationship and trying to impress than on close family member?
If child is comfortable around you and secure in your love there is no need to impress parents. Even securelly attached babies give their best smiles to people they just met as they know mum is always there. Just imagine that with social pressure and adulthood.