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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

328 replies

SullyW · 23/04/2024 15:27

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

OP posts:
ArcaneWireless · 23/04/2024 21:19

Firefly1987 · 23/04/2024 21:17

So on the one hand we're supposed to talk about our feelings and mental health, on the other it's considered manipulative? Who gets to decide if it's manipulative or not?

Talking about one’s struggles with mental health is hugely important.

This was not that.

Original poster
SullyW · 23/04/2024 21:20

im happy to apologise (and i have many times now) but this has made me self doubt myself a lot. i gave a lot of good times and we were good together until she seemed to shut down in recent weeks. she was very up and down lately. i made a mistake but im willing to do whatever i can to fix it (if im let)

OP posts:
FourLeggedBuckers · 23/04/2024 21:21

Firefly1987 · 23/04/2024 21:17

So on the one hand we're supposed to talk about our feelings and mental health, on the other it's considered manipulative? Who gets to decide if it's manipulative or not?

There’s appropriate ways to talk about your feelings and this isn’t one of them.

If the OP were struggling with suicidal thoughts, reaching out to their partner would be appropriate.

Saying they want to die, flippantly, in an argument where they should be taking responsibility for their previous mistake, is not “talking about your feelings”. It’s using the other person’s feelings as leverage - in other words, it’s manipulative.

StaunchMomma · 23/04/2024 21:22

SullyW · 23/04/2024 21:20

im happy to apologise (and i have many times now) but this has made me self doubt myself a lot. i gave a lot of good times and we were good together until she seemed to shut down in recent weeks. she was very up and down lately. i made a mistake but im willing to do whatever i can to fix it (if im let)

IT IS NOT SOLELY UP TO YOU WHETHER IT IS FIXED OR NOT.

You might want it to be fixed but if she doesn't then it won't happen!

You need to accept that she decides for herself whether she wants to be with you or not. It's not up to you to twist her arm into giving you what you want.

RedToothBrush · 23/04/2024 21:23

SullyW · 23/04/2024 21:20

im happy to apologise (and i have many times now) but this has made me self doubt myself a lot. i gave a lot of good times and we were good together until she seemed to shut down in recent weeks. she was very up and down lately. i made a mistake but im willing to do whatever i can to fix it (if im let)

Shes allowed to not let you.

This is fair. Whether you percieve it as such or not.

azlazee1 · 23/04/2024 21:25

If she wants to dump you after a stupid joke/remark, walk away fast. If this was the last in a long list of things you did to annoy her, I understand her attitude. BUT, if this is a one-off and she's dumping you, then you my friend, are better off without her.

FourLeggedBuckers · 23/04/2024 21:25

Even your posts on this thread are manipulative, OP. You’re determined to convince us that the failure of your relationship is her fault - you’d fix it, but she won’t let you…

Some things can’t be fixed. You need to accept that it’s not up to you, and your desire to apologise doesn’t override your ex/girlfriend’s desire not to speak to you.

Chirawehaha · 23/04/2024 21:27

FourLeggedBuckers · 23/04/2024 21:25

Even your posts on this thread are manipulative, OP. You’re determined to convince us that the failure of your relationship is her fault - you’d fix it, but she won’t let you…

Some things can’t be fixed. You need to accept that it’s not up to you, and your desire to apologise doesn’t override your ex/girlfriend’s desire not to speak to you.

Edited

This. If her posts on this thread are representative of her approach to conflict, or their relationship in general, it’s very likely her ex has just had enough.

needsomewarmsunshine · 23/04/2024 21:28

So much drama, let it go and move on. She's making it clear she wants to.

RedToothBrush · 23/04/2024 21:30

Chirawehaha · 23/04/2024 21:27

This. If her posts on this thread are representative of her approach to conflict, or their relationship in general, it’s very likely her ex has just had enough.

Show quote history

This is my feeling.

There's no admission of guilt or responsibility. Its all about how she should comply or submit or defer to the OP in some way.

The tone of the OP being controlling runs throughout this thread.

Roomination · 23/04/2024 21:30

It's not silent treatment. She has dumped OP and isn't wasting her time

Silence/no further response is a response sometimes. It says “I’m done/We’re done and I’m out. You know why she was so upset because you’ve told us. You both don’t. have to agree that the relationship is over. Either one of you has that choice. For her, a line in the sand has been crossed and she doesn’t want to be ‘talked round’ or listen to your apology.

I have a very good friend who wanted very much for us to be a couple. It was his inability to stick to boundaries and embarrassing me when he met my friends when he first met them, that I instantly knew that was a deal breaker for me. 1-1 he is totally different, but in front of others he is unreliable and can be immature. OP I hope you will be able to learn from this break up. It’s a steep learning curve but will be a very useful life lesson I think.

stayathomer · 23/04/2024 21:31

If you have to walk on eggshells and can’t be yourself around people then you’re just not a fit. I say overdramatic crap to dh that if I’d said to my ex he’d have freaked out over but my dh just talks to me!!

StaunchMomma · 23/04/2024 21:32

Even your posts on this thread are manipulative, OP.

100% agree.

Lassiata · 23/04/2024 21:33

SullyW · 23/04/2024 21:20

im happy to apologise (and i have many times now) but this has made me self doubt myself a lot. i gave a lot of good times and we were good together until she seemed to shut down in recent weeks. she was very up and down lately. i made a mistake but im willing to do whatever i can to fix it (if im let)

I mean you didn't "give her" the good times, the good times were the two of you together, supposedly.

Lassiata · 23/04/2024 21:36

*Nope, again.

She didn't just give OP a bollocking, she kept on about it. The opening post says "she's very sensitive" and "I'm always walking on eggshells". This made OP feel like shit to the extent that s/he felt like wanting to die - and unwisely said so.*

Nope, again, @Garlicked. This is horse shit, the ex did not MAKE op feel that way and it is not her responsibility, but you're very sure you're right so crack on.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/04/2024 21:37

It's irrelevant whether you're male or female. Your comments and behaviour are unacceptable. She deserves better than you, and thankfully, she has her boundaries. Leave her alone.

PerfectTravelTote · 23/04/2024 21:39

This is a toxic relationship. Walk away.

Thelnebriati · 23/04/2024 21:40

Would you consider going for therapy? There's a lot going on in this thread.

5128gap · 23/04/2024 21:41

You don't have to be 'fair' when deciding whether you want to date someone. Would you continue date a woman you didn't want to because it wouldn't be fair on her not to? Or would you date only who you wanted, and move on from those you didn't like? Because that's all she's done. She didn't like your joke with her friends. She didn't like your dramatics and blasé reference to dying, and so no longer likes you enough to keep seeing you. Its really important you accept her decision, because if you keep trying to change her mind you will come across as weird and creepy.

ArcaneWireless · 23/04/2024 21:41

It absolutely is a toxic relationship.

I’ve got a great big sneaking suspicion as to why.

Shan5474 · 23/04/2024 21:49

She had recently lost somebody but i did not say it to trigger anything

Whether you meant to or not you have and you should’ve known better. You had an overreaction and some people would find it flippant, insensitive or manipulative. I think you probably feel like you have to watch every word you say because you don’t think before you speak

Gazelda · 23/04/2024 21:55

You betrayed a confidence.

Embarrassed her.

Then said something manipulative that happened to mention death just as she was dealing with the death of someone close to her.

She said goodbye and you've persisted in hassling her.

Leaver her alone.

kkloo · 23/04/2024 21:56

it's like i'm always walking on eggshells

Can you provide some more examples?

KomodoOhno · 23/04/2024 22:00

For your own sake let it go. She has made her decision. There is nothing to fix. The faster you accept that the faster you can move on and learn from this.

Time4achangeithink · 23/04/2024 22:06

This is very similar to another thread where the op claims her partner said these words but the scenario was different.. 🤔 interesting...