I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

[SullyW]

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

What has the ex done that is toxic? The op made a joke that was in confidence and embarrassed her, the op can not accept responsibility properly for what they did and apologize graciously thats obvious. Instead of accepting responsibility they threw in I'm always fucking up its all my fault, I want to die. The ex has stated she could have got past the 'joke' but can't the death comment so it is over. Ending a relationship and refusing to engage is not giving someone the silent treatment its having decent boundaries. The op is verging on harassment if they keep trying to contact.

Unreal I have to agree with above poster.
MN is so fucking too faced.

i am not a man or pretending to be

thank you to people who can see my side of things. i find her silence manipulative, she didnt break up with me, just told me she wasn't happy and stopped replying. i want to meet up and explain face to face. she had recently lost somebody but i did not say it to trigger anything (i honestly would never do that)

i got emotional and said it in an upset way. i felt i couldnt make her happy and didn't know what else to say but i regretted it straight away.

You need to deal with your emotions. You do not tell someone who has just had someone close to them die that you want to die. Leave her alone.

How?

It doesn’t matter what sex you are.

You did wrong.

You know that.

And so does your partner. And she is entitled to back off, go quiet and process it as she sees fit. She has said she isn’t happy.

Don’t make her even more unhappy by hounding her.

@SullyW telling you she couldn't get past it is ending things. It is over, she's not giving you the silent treatment your relationship is over. I will say that the relationship doesn't sound particularly healthy if you resort to comments like that. You need to work on yourself and your own boundaries and learn to respect others.

You actually come across as how you describe her. Someone who is very sensitive and you have to tread on eggshells around. You both seem like hard work and possibly not a good combination.

@SullyW if you are feeling low and are worried about your self-esteem you can get support to help, GP prob best start

it’s easier to work on yourself outside of a relationship so give yourself the opportunity to explore who you are, what you want and what you can do to improve your life/mood overall

a relatively short relationship doesn’t have to define her (sensitive/silent treatment) or you (disrespectful/manipulative)

you aren’t wrong to feel sad, she isn’t wrong to feel angry

if you use the time you would spend on a relationship, on your relationship with yourself it will not be wasted

anecdotal but around me the happiest people (in couples or single) are those who know themselves well

finding partners, pets, homes, jobs etc that will suit or complement you well, sort of necessitates knowing yourself

I personally found a period of getting to know myself the best spent time of my life, infinitely more useful and productive than trying to influence a potential partner/ex or turn myself into who they wanted (or thought they wanted)

Accusing someone of being manipulative when you said you wanted to die is a joke. Saying it when she's just lost someone is beyond insensitive.

Seriously, you don't think I did that??

People on here can be strange. They'd have a great deal to say if somebody wronged them and simply offered to fix it, without showing how sorry they were.

Anyway, that was years ago. And now I'm a grumpy old witch, I probably would be a lot more offhand about it (but still send the cheque).

how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

Its not about whether its fair or not.

She is within her rights not to entertain you with an audience for you to explain yourself.

She may just feel that, you've over stepped to a point that she no longer feels comfortable around you, because you made a comment about wanting to die. Other posters regard this as abusive and manipulative.

You seem to think she owes you the opportunity to give an explanation. This is incorrect.
She owes you nothing.

She can act however she likes. She may feel she's been more than fair in the past and this was the final straw or a deal breaker.

She can just decide your a twat she doesn't want to see again.

Fairness does not come into it.

You said you told her you wanted to die. That was the bit I was responding to. I disagree with you that this is what a wronged party wants to hear.

she had recently lost somebody but i did not say it to trigger anything

Oh, shit Yeah, that was bad.

You're both better off out of this relationship.

It’s like saying I want the ground to swallow me up. Obviously she didn’t really mean… she wanted to die. It came out wrong, she apologised…… move on

thank you. i wish she could see this as a mistake

"i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die."
I'd have dumped you on the spot for that manipulative little piece of bullshit. First you acknowledge you messed up, then you play the victim so that she can't so much as say 'yes you did'. Manipulative.
Totally agree with @WhereYouLeftIt

i want to meet up and explain face to face. she had recently lost somebody but i did not say it to trigger anything (i honestly would never do that)
Oh OP, seriously? You knew she had lost someone and you STILL had to say what you did? You need counselling as that is a sick thing to say.

Maybe let this one go and work on yourself. Why was your reaction to an argument to use such awful manipulation? I think you should see a therapist and look at your emotional response to criticism/rejection or whatever happened.

I think now just leave it, obviously apologise which I think you have done and let her come round. If she doesn’t just move on and a lesson learnt for future responses.

Imho it wasn't a bad thing to say and I don't know why she would take such offence. It was a heated conversation between two people who were close, not a public address, it's ok to say things that don't make sense or, are impulsive and we regret... without being given the silent treatment. There's sensitive and over-sensitive.

thank you. i was starting to think i was going crazy

So on the one hand we're supposed to talk about our feelings and mental health, on the other it's considered manipulative? Who gets to decide if it's manipulative or not?

The majority of people, including your ex, do not agree with this. Thanking the minority who agree with you, like that somehow means you’re vindicated, is an interesting approach.

She was right to hang up on you. What you said was incredibly manipulative and nobody should put up with that from a partner.

She has the right to decide not to want to be with you any more. Please accept that.