Partner going on holiday with sister

[AnonymousB95]

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

Agree.

OP has 51 other weeks of the year to plan a trip with her DP.

The places she has mentioned aren’t even far away if OP is in the UK, have plenty of flights and many inexpensive.

I’m sure it would help if the sister wasn’t standoffish with the OP.

Do you have any inkling why she’s standoffish with you, OP? Is she like this with all other siblings’ partners, or just you?

I'd find it odd, unreasonable and creepy.

I think it’s more than just going away together, the talking everyday and the whole situation makes me feel this will be a 3 person relationship. Will he put OP first when it matters especially when they have kids or will his sister always come first?

Frankly I will not want to be in a relationship with a man who feels the need to speak to his sister everyday. There’s being close to your sibling and then there’s this.

And if it was his brother? Would that also be odd, unreasonable and creepy?

The problem is not the sibling relationship but the inane jealousy of another woman, even if it's his SISTER.

THAT is odd, unreasonable and creepy.

@AnonymousB95 I think that you might be spot on in that she is using him to fill the gap that a lack of a partner has left in her life. The trips in themselves are not the problem, my sister and I go away together without her husband once a year. He has no problem with this.

And he IBU for not at least having the decency to check with you first that the dates are ok. Just announcing it as a done deal suggests that when she says "jump" he asks "how high?" I dont think that he is used to putting anyone but his sister first as that is how his life has always been, which means that you and any kids you have will always come second to her. She doesnt want to accept that he should be putting your first and her behaviour towards you suggests that she doesnt like you "taking him" away from her. She sounds very much like the overbearing MIL who will try ascert her authority over her son in a "I am the first woman in his life" kind of way.

Personally I couldnt live with that, whether you can is up to you but the knowledge that her wants will always trump your and any kids needs would be a deal breaker for me. Can you imagine him saying "No I am not going on that trip with you because OP/the kids want to do something that weekend"?

I think some of these posters have been reading too much Sigmund Freud.

To the point, some of you are sexualising a close sibling relationship?

I think you need to grow up and there is some jealousy here op. You have shown that when you mentioned the places they are going.

If you want to go to paris with him then do it. He's allowed a relationship with his sister whether you approve or not.

I wish my brother was here still so I could go on holidays with him. She's cherishing her family. Just because you do differently, doesn't mean they are wrong. 😰

When people of any sex or orientation create a new family, which is what you do when you live with someone, then that family must come first.

My sister loves me and I her, we are each others best friends, but I fully understand that I come second to her husband. I have been in her life twice as long as he has but that doesnt mean I should always come first, what a ludicrous suggestion!

I disagree. It sounds unhealthy to me. Siblings are not lovers and don't need to take holidays together without their partners.

People can go on holiday with anyone they want to. You don't get a say.

No one needs to take a holiday with anyone though do they. Maybe they just want to go away for a few days once a year.

😂That's true. But I still think they're creepy feckers for doing it.

Quite normal for unmarried siblings to holiday together.

Says a lot more about you than them.

OP, is the reason you feel threatened because when you go on holiday with him your trips might feel underwhelming by comparison? I can understand that, especially if it is the case that your partner is very keen to go away with his sister and very loving towards her, but more cagey with you.

This might be because some men do tend to try to keep a distance to manage expectations before making a more serious commitment (ie marriage), but it can feel hurtful to their romantic partner when they are very keen to demonstrate their affection elsewhere but not with you, even if it isn't romantic.

@pictoosh Given that his sister is standoffish with the OP, do you think she’s jealous of the OP?

I don’t mean in some weird sexual way, but that she’s taken her brother away from the original family unit?
The sister herself doesn’t want to expand beyond their family unit by having her own partner.

Just speculating, not assuming any perviness. 😂

My dh is very close to his sister but there's no way I would be ok with this. Ok we're married but you've been together 8 years so should have the same level of respect, and if you aren't happy with it for whatever reason, your partner needs to show his sister he puts you first.

Yup after 8 years you want to be enjoying experiences together, and even if your finances aren't entwined if you can't afford it, he doesn't go either.

I think you should at least be asked to go on the holiday as well, and if she is paying for him, then she should pay for you as well.

Whether you would actually want to go is another matter.

even if your finances aren't entwined if you can't afford it, he doesn't go either.

This just seems controlling to me. I'd be out of that relationship so fast.

"She is his sister.
She was there first and will always come before any new relationship.
If you can’t handle it, then you need to leave."

Bollocks- his partner, if long term, should come before anyone including his sister. Would you be saying the same if they were married with kids?

I have a son and a brother. I value our relationships and love them both, but totally expect them to put their wives before me.

I have no idea if she's jealous of the OP.
Could be she's just not that arsed for her company. She's not obliged to be.

I'm not arsed for my bil for example. Not my cup of tea.
What of it?

"even if your finances aren't entwined if you can't afford it, he doesn't go either.

This just seems controlling to me. I'd be out of that relationship so fast."

Not controlling as I'd expect it not to even occur to him to go on all these holidays without me. Where's the equality there? He should want to have these special times with his partner!

He's not her property. He can have 'special times' with other people, including his sister.

@pictoosh

I suppose I was thinking that as the SIL doesn’t have much in the way of other friends/close relationships, she might resent the OP encroaching on her family? She

I know what you mean about not being arsed with some relatives, though, I feel like that about one of my BIL’s. But I’m not standoffish with him, I just accept that we don’t have much in common. It doesn’t bother me at all when DH goes away with family members, I quite enjoy the peace. 😂

What does 'standoffish' mean in this particular case?
We don't know, do we?