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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I am a carer even if dh doesn't think so?

202 replies

Stressedgiraffe · 23/04/2024 12:29

Just had a visit from a carers nurse after a Dr referral for stress and help
Dh is recently disabled and has just been awarded esa and has applied for pip. Should be according to the nurse entitled to enhanced pip.

He has daily seizures and is often incontinent.i have to remind him to take medication, support him after seizures, clean up after him.

The nurse suggested joining the local carer's support network. Seeing if there is respite care available if needed and getting him a blue badge.

Dh has hit the roof stating I'm not caring for him. I do nothing to help him etc

I work ft. Do all the housework, cooking,cleaning laundry etc. I sort out all appointments for dcs. I'm financially responsible for everything.

So who's right dh or the nurse?
Yabu- dh - I'm not a carer
Yanbu- nurse- you are a carer

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 23/04/2024 12:31

You remind him to take
medication, support him after seizures and clean up after him. You’re a carer. But it is obviously a big hit to his self image so I wouldn’t argue about it if I didn’t have to. I’d apply for the suggested support options though.

Octavia64 · 23/04/2024 12:31

You are a carer.

He may not want to admit it as he may not want to admit to himself how disabled he is.

Thatsajokeright · 23/04/2024 12:32

I think you ARE a carer but is his response a pride thing? That he doesn't view what you do as care because then he has to fully accept the current state of his health?

BruFord · 23/04/2024 12:32

Painful as it is for your DH to accept, you have become his carer. It was just very difficult to hear this stated by an outsider- but the nurse is an expert in this field so she recognizes a caring situation when she sees one.

I wouldn’t mention it again to him, even if you do decide to join the support network. He’s obviously struggling with his situation- but of course, you need support too. 💐

I’d definitely apply for a Blue Badge, my elderly Dad has one and it makes a big difference being able to park close to places, etc.

Thatsajokeright · 23/04/2024 12:33

I think you ARE a carer but is his response a pride thing? That he doesn't view what you do as care because then he has to fully accept the current state of his health?

CarolNoE · 23/04/2024 12:33

Good luck. Look after yourself and join/access as much support for yourself as you can. Even if your husband can't or won't accept/realise the reality ahead for you both. X

BodyKeepingScore · 23/04/2024 12:33

YANBU you clearly are a carer for your DH. I have mental health conditions and whilst I am reasonably self sufficient most of the time, when I'm unwell DP takes over most of the practical aspects of our lives... things I rely on such as groceries and ensuring bills are paid. If I had no other adult around to manage those things my life would fall into a state of disrepair. Your DH is perhaps having a hard time accepting that his disabilities have changed some of the dynamics of your relationship or redefined the role but the fact remains that there are things he cannot do that you do for him. I hope you find the carers group supportive.

BaconCozzers · 23/04/2024 12:33

I can see how admitting you are his carer would be another difficult thing for him. However, you are his carer. He is getting the support he needs, he has no say on you getting the support you need.

SlothMovesReallySlow · 23/04/2024 12:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MatildaTheCat · 23/04/2024 12:38

I’d be matter of fact about this and say that you are, of course his wife but in the eyes of the medical/ social agencies you are classed as his carer. It’s just the language they use.

He sounds in denial about his disability and the impact on both of your lives. Without knowing him and your situation it’s hard to say if that’s because of his illness or because he’s an ungrateful arse.

Take all and any support you can get for both of you. Good luck going forward it sounds very difficult.

CelesteCunningham · 23/04/2024 12:39

It must be very difficult for you both to have such an adjustment in your relationship. You are of course his carer and should seek whatever support you can with that. But it will be very difficult for him to accept that his wife his now his carer.

I'm sure you'll both find your way.

Cherryon · 23/04/2024 12:40

You are his carer. The word is painful though when an abled person has become disabled. It’s a smack in the face reminder of everything you can’t do and has connotations of being a burden on your family and society. He was unpleasant to you saying you do nothing for him though and should apologise for that.

YANBU to seek support as a carer.

BruFord · 23/04/2024 12:40

BaconCozzers · 23/04/2024 12:33

I can see how admitting you are his carer would be another difficult thing for him. However, you are his carer. He is getting the support he needs, he has no say on you getting the support you need.

Exactly, @BaconCozzers I think it especially difficult when you’re in a romantic relationship, because who wants to accept that their lover now has to deal with bodily functions, for example? The OP sounds like a wonderful partner.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/04/2024 12:41

Of course you are a carer, and you deserve whatever support is available!

I understand your husband doesn't want to see himself as needing a carer, or want to see you as his carer rather than his hot wife who also finds him desirable - that is a big adjustment. But he doesn't get to be an arse about it or minimise the impact on you.

Sparklfairy · 23/04/2024 12:44

People are assuming he's struggling to adjust but OP hasn't elaborated on this part:

Dh has hit the roof stating I'm not caring for him. I do nothing to help him etc

Saying she does nothing to help him goes a bit further than simply burying his head in the sand about his condition tbh. Even if he's struggling with accepting this dynamic, he doesn't have a right to attack you and say you do 'nothing' when you clearly do a lot.

And I may be reaching slightly, but if he's gone as far as accepting ESA and applying for pip, yet is denying you're his carer, it occurred to me that he's refusing to acknowledge the impact of this on you, and only focused on himself.

hatgirl · 23/04/2024 12:45

I'm a social worker with adults and we would consider you a carer as does the Care Act 2014.

Its not unusual for the cared for person to not want the change in the relationship to be defined in that way which is why carer's rights to assessment and support are protected and separated from the assessment and support needs of the person they care for.

I highly reccommend getting in touch with your local carers association and requesting an assessment in your own right - at a minimum it's someone to talk to but you mught find you are also eligible for some practical support or grants e.g. for respite or cleaning.

CombatBarbie · 23/04/2024 12:46

Of course it's a pride thing.

However if you are not his carer, you don't need to clean him up anymore do you. Or remind him to take his meds. He can do all that himself.

WhiteLeopard · 23/04/2024 12:46

I would be really upset about this OP. You're doing so much for him and he isn't even prepared to acknowledge it. I get that he's struggling to adapt, but it's hard for you too. Please access all the help and support you can.

BIWI · 23/04/2024 12:47

I'd stop doing all those things that you don't do.

msbevvy · 23/04/2024 12:47

If I remember correctly the forms that you fill in when applying for PIP ask lots of questions about if you need help from others to perform certain tasks.

If his answers indicated that he needs help then surely you are his carer and I don't see how he can deny that fact.

I am impressed that you got a visit from a carers nurse. I have cared for my DH for over 25 years and am in very poor health myself but I have neither seen nor heard of one .

nadine90 · 23/04/2024 12:48

You are, absolutely. But it will be difficult for him to come to terms with that - having a carer will feel like he is no longer independent, and that’s a hard pill for anyone to swallow.
I really would encourage you to access the support. Especially if DHL’s condition is likely to progress. The emotional support, talking to people who understand, and the signposting to different places or things that might be helpful for you both - all invaluable. If you saying you’re accessing this network will upset your dh, you don’t have to tell him. But you do need to look after yourself as best you can to avoid burnout xxx

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 23/04/2024 12:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Because she’s running herself ragged for him and he has no empathy or gratitude whatsoever. She is right. If she went away for a few days he’d soon realise what caring is.

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 23/04/2024 12:51

I haven't argued with him . I quite annoyed that he says I do nothing.
I make sure he doesn't have to do anything at home. So he doesn't have to worry about anything. I clean up when he's messed himself or pick him up when he has a seizures

OP posts:
2023NEWMUM2023 · 23/04/2024 12:51

You are a wife first. Friend second. And carer third