To think I am a carer even if dh doesn't think so?

[Stressedgiraffe]

Just had a visit from a carers nurse after a Dr referral for stress and help
Dh is recently disabled and has just been awarded esa and has applied for pip. Should be according to the nurse entitled to enhanced pip.

He has daily seizures and is often incontinent.i have to remind him to take medication, support him after seizures, clean up after him.

The nurse suggested joining the local carer's support network. Seeing if there is respite care available if needed and getting him a blue badge.

Dh has hit the roof stating I'm not caring for him. I do nothing to help him etc

I work ft. Do all the housework, cooking,cleaning laundry etc. I sort out all appointments for dcs. I'm financially responsible for everything.

So who's right dh or the nurse?
Yabu- dh - I'm not a carer
Yanbu- nurse- you are a carer

@MexicanFeast i think you capture it so perfectly. That’s the nub of it - it’s a permanent obligation even if you don’t feel like it, even if you’ve had a horrid row, even if you’ve got your own health problems you’d rather prioritise.

If my dp or spouse didn’t recognise how much that infringed on me, I would feel rightly aggrieved. There’s no place for personal preference when you are caring for someone - and that should be acknowledged and there should be more love and gratitude as a result, not less.

What an absolute pig. Begrudging you a bit of support and extra money.
Stop doing anything for him until he apologises and acknowledges what you actually do.
If he doesn't want you as his 'carer' see how he gets on with adult social care, getting himself sorted and finding someone else to come and change his bum.
Being disabled is no excuse to be horrid and ungrateful.

YANBU. His reaction is a very human one. Give him time but ultimately don't let him stand in your way.

He needs to understand that "carer" doesn't always mean what he think it means. For example siblings of autistic or disabled children will often qualify as Young Carers, even if they are not made to cook dinner or do personal care.

I'd be seriously pissed off OP, you literally do everything for him by the sounds of it. He needs to start appreciating you IMO. Protecting his ego/manly pride is not your job, you have enough to do already, you deserve support and time to yourself.

YANBU, this way he gets to pretend you do nothing. I couldn't be with a man who was so nasty about me.

Do you want to stay with him? Don't feel you have to be a carer to him forever, you are perfectly entitled to leave him.

It depends on the extent of care required, but I would say that very often one is a carer first and everything else comes equal last. At times, everything else gradually gets obliterated.

This seems way more than a pride thing. As he has declared that you do nothing for him, do just that. Do nothing for him. At the end of the month ask him for his share of the bills.

Please make sure you apply for carers allowance, it is a pittance but i the Government need to pay something.

He wouldn't qualify for PIP unless he needed significant physical support with things.

Not being able to cook for yourself,do your laundry or clean your home yourself qualify's you for PIP points.

Having to do those above things alone makes you a "carer" let alone the other stuff.

It sounds as though he's struggling to accept the way his life has changed.

Would op be entitled to it if she works full time?

DH obviously struggling to come to terms with what has changed, there must be support available for him too. You must be juggling a lot as well as coming to terms with his disability. My DF was suddenly disabled when I was a young child, it was really frightening and the impact on him was huge but it ended my parents marriage after another 10 years.

You are his carer. Has anyone recommended Carents Lounge on fb? It's mainly people looking after older parents with or without but there are people caring for spouses, too. It's a good place to say what you're feeling.

as others have said, I think its a ....not exactly pride thing....but an unwillingness on his part to recognise that he is disabled enough to need help and that other people know about it. This may sound silly and it never became an issue but I never called myself my husbands carer, I called myself his PA...in fact what I said was "I am his wife and currently I act as his PA" I don't think he meant to indicate that you were lazy or uncaring but that he did not need help but of course he does.

Stop doing it all then see what he thinks. If he can do it all by himself then great, you need not help any more. if he can't, then he needs to accept you are caring for him and not be so damn rude and ungrateful about it.

You are a carer but if he’s taking you for granted I’d stop doing anything to make his life easier.

This would annoy me quite a lot. I wonder if he says this because he doesn’t actually see what the OP does for him? He sees this as “wife work” so it is invisible.

I remember someone on here (a few years ago) who was having a horrible time with her elderly mum. She’d arranged carers but the mum had refused them / sent them away because she didn’t need them … her daughter would do that. That she was forcing her daughter to be an unpaid carer hadn’t occurred to her.

The people on here who have said to leave him to it for a day - I can see why they do but it isn’t really practical. If the husband is incontinent then he needs to be cleaned up pretty fast or the OP’s house / bed / sofa will be wrecked. And there will be even more for her to do.

By admitting you are his carer he has to admit he is disabled now. He can't yet make the transition from able bodied to disabled on his head yet.

those folk who say "ok stop doing anything" Have you been in the position of caring for someone with a new serious illness or disability?

If OP works full time she won't be eligible for Carers Allowance. I'd be worried if he thinks he's so independent he'll be telling the PIP assessment people he doesn't need any care he's capable of doing everything himself.

I wouldn't ignore his needs, I might keep a note of all the caring tasks I did in week.
Not necessarily to share immediately with him but to have a clear record for others and perhaps to share with him.
It sounds like he is really struggling with his own feelings and while that doesn't give him the right to ignore or belittle you hopefully he will realize this by himself.
Maybe a healthcare provider could talk to him again about your support needs as a carer because you definitely are one.

@Stressedgiraffe I'm sure you no more wish to be his carer than he wants you to be, but that is the situation you're both in. It's hard for him to have such a massive life change that makes him dependent on you and it can take time to accept that. At the same time it is just as hard for you too and your feelings also matter. Get as much support as you can for you both, encourage him in retaining/regaining as much independence as possible and try to keep communicating.

@MexicanFeast thank you, being essentially unable to follow your own wishes/wants (eg stropping off to the pub for a bit after a row) is a little expressed aspect of being in a significant caring role and you put it well.

Have you always done all the housework, laundry, cooking? Does he simply (wrongly) think that is a wife's role? He may well be struggling with the changes to his health but could he take on some of these tasks from you? If your positions were reversed and he was delivering this kind of support to you, particularly the personal care, would he call himself your carer?

Others have answered the OP.

I just wanted to say that, being disabled does not entitle you to be a dickhead. Just bear that in mind over the coming weeks and months OP.

And good luck with the change in your life x

@Stressedgiraffe Can you ask him who does the things you do, the cleaning up after his accidents, the reminding to medication etc etc?

If you have already done so, does he think this is just what you do as his wife? It sounds like maybe in his mind it's blurred because you're his wife and you are just looking after him as someone who loves him. Maybe he thinks if it were the other way round he would just see himself as your husband caring for you, and not necessarily as your carer.

All that said, you are his carer who also happens to be his wife, and if there is help for you outside of the house, I would take it. It's quite lonely caring for someone in the home, day in day out.

My DH was disabled very suddenly just over a year ago . Horrifying how quickly your old life can be turned upside down. I am permanently knackered from doing absolutely everything. Sending fellow-feeling by the bucketful.