To think I am a carer even if dh doesn't think so?

[Stressedgiraffe]

Just had a visit from a carers nurse after a Dr referral for stress and help
Dh is recently disabled and has just been awarded esa and has applied for pip. Should be according to the nurse entitled to enhanced pip.

He has daily seizures and is often incontinent.i have to remind him to take medication, support him after seizures, clean up after him.

The nurse suggested joining the local carer's support network. Seeing if there is respite care available if needed and getting him a blue badge.

Dh has hit the roof stating I'm not caring for him. I do nothing to help him etc

I work ft. Do all the housework, cooking,cleaning laundry etc. I sort out all appointments for dcs. I'm financially responsible for everything.

So who's right dh or the nurse?
Yabu- dh - I'm not a carer
Yanbu- nurse- you are a carer

I think it can be really hard for people to admit they need help/care, especially physical care at a relatively young age.

I know it's difficult but try not to be annoyed with him. His entire life has been turned upside down and he will be massively struggling to come to terms with his new disability. That doesn't mean it's not hard on you too, of course,so make sure you're getting the outside support you need as well

I don't really want to emphasis that I'm his carer but our Dr wants us to get all the benefits we can and for us to get support to stop me cracking up. He used to do all the cleaning and share the cooking.
He doesn't seem to realise he's stopped doing any household stuff.
I think because I'm at home He sees it just as something else I do. He'd struggle if I had to go into the office.
It's still fairly new to us so I know he needs time to adjust. It's just difficult as he's stubborn and proud.

Some people find it really hard to admit how much help they are needing. perhaps he just can't face up to it right now especially as newly disabled, but yes you clearly are a carer.

If he can't cope on his own because of his disability then you are his carer.

I am a wheelchair user and I am currently holding down a rather demanding job (about to calm down a lot thank goodness). I do most of the cooking and meal planning, all the laundry, and historically most of the kid related stuff (DH has taken on a lot more if this since my work because so full on).

My DH is my carer because there are things I cannot do for myself that an able bodied person can do. How much he does varies a great deal because my condition does. Most of the time it's just any heavy lifting (getting the laundry back up the stairs, bringing shopping in from the car). If I'm having a particularly bad patch he can be bringing me meals on a tray and helping me up the stairs to bed.

Thinking of yourself as disabled can be a lot to process. The first time someone described me as having special needs I was inwardly upset. It sounds like he's struggling to come to terms with the situation, which is totally understandable. Some talking therapy might help, and/or joining some online support groups for people with the same condition (Facebook can be good for this).

This is exactly why 'caring' is so very difficult.

It it were just the tasks, without human pride, however necessary, it would be so much easier

Try not to take it personally and claim everything going. No need for your DH to be any more confronted than he has to be.

It's tough for both of you. All the best

Sending buckets to you and to the OP Been there done that. Its 11 years ago since it ended and the t shirt isn't even a duster.

He doesn't seem to realise he's stopped doing any household stuff.

I suspect he may not want to admit how much his disability has impacted him.

I feel for you, OP. Having been thrust into a caring role myself at one point, the worst part (obviously aside from the other half being incapacitated) was the fact that there was very little acknowledgement from anyone, him included, as to how my life had changed beyond recognition too.

I was a carer, he resented being cared for, I resented caring (but tried not to show it). The world will expect you to carry on, cope, hold things together and put a brave face on. Your DH will be jealous of you because your life hasn’t changed beyond recognition. Except it has…

As one of my more astute friends put it, it was like being a single parent with the added burden of having him to look after as well. Harsh and not nice to hear, but that was my reality. Little ones, a full time job, a DH who couldn’t be left alone for any length of time, couldn’t drive, couldn’t walk up and down stairs, couldn’t get to the bathroom in the night alone (if he made it there at all). I had to be mum and dad and breadwinner and nurse and driver and carer and advocate and made myself ill. I barely went out as he couldn’t be alone with the DC and I couldn’t get a babysitter for him and them!

You have been thrust into this role without choice or consent. Ultimately, you don’t have to do it. You could walk away. You might not, you might not want to, you may want to at times. But he needs to know that the chance of this is a lot higher if he can’t acknowledge your role in keeping things together.

“I work ft. Do all the housework, cooking,cleaning laundry etc. I sort out all appointments for dcs. I'm financially responsible for everything.”

Tbh all the above doesn’t make you a carer that’s just normal everyday adult life. However with helping with medication, cleaning him up etc that is caring. If he can’t be left alone then I’d say you’re a carer. Maybe just his pride not wanting he needs one

You are a carer. (I identify carers in my job)

You are a carer but you are also his wife. Most of us fight to keep the wife role as the primary role if we can, rather than carer.

What was he like before he became disabled? Did he ignore/deny/minimise your contribution before?

Is his disability physical or has it also affected his cognition? It seems strange that he has just failed to realise that he doesn't do household tasks any more?! Obviously it puts more pressure on you.

If he's claimed PIP, he is surely not in denial about the care that he needs. If he gets PIP, that means anyone caring for him could be entitled to carer's benefits (if they meet the other criteria).

Have you looked at your county council's website - the adult services section should have info about how to request a care assessment (for him) and a carer's assessment (for you).

I wonder if going into the office a little more would help?
Not all the time or to point score but to give him time and space to understand the value and volume of what you are now doing when you're at home.

I agree with this.

it sounds like he’s going through a process? At least I hope that’s what it is and he wasn’t like this before his disability. I can imagine the most loving kind person could act nasty when coping with the trauma of such ill health.

but also - you’re allowed to talk about the strain it puts on you. And I’m sorry, above everything else that you’re going through, you don’t have your life partner to confide in right now. Hopefully with time you can both work towards being a team again.

No, it’s not normal to work full time and be mentally and physically responsible for managing adults in a home. She’s caring for him in those ways too.

No, I’m fairly sure not.

No, I didn’t say it’s normal to be mentally and physically responsible for an adult I actually said the part op mentioned about working full time, cooking, cleaning, laundry appointments for her dc are all part of normal adult life. I then went on to say the rest of what they wrote does make them a carer

Those things don't count as directly caring for him, though. Of course it is an extra burden for the OP because he can't share it with her. But those jobs would exist whether he was there or not.

Caring for him means physically looking after him if he has a seizure or a toileting accident, reminding/helping him to take his medication, and anything else directly related to his own personal care or mobility needs.

@AnotherEmma - but as you say, they’re all part of the extra burden. I didn’t have DC to have to do everything for them, and care for DH as well, be that in the medical sense or life admin sense. We’d always split things pretty evenly and you can only spread yourself so thin. However you define it, the OP has so much more on her plate than she ever had before, she isn’t in control of her own life anymore and it must be extremely tough.

Following as having a similar "debate" with my DH. I too carry 100% of the domestic load. He has early stage dementia, severe mobility issues and is doubly incontinent, but - in his eyes - doesn't need a carer because we manage OK as we are.

I'm currently looking into respite care. It's tough.

I'm not disputing any of that but none of it qualifies him for PIP or OP for carer's benefits. It's only caring directly that counts.

Fine.
If you do nothing for him, tell him you're going away for a week, at short notice, with a friend.

I completely empathise OP.
I am my H's carer, even though he wouldn't hear of it. No I don't wipe his bottom or make his dinner (scrap that -I do make him dinner but I make ours anyway. He sorts his own food out the rest of the time) I do run literally everything (although tbh I always have) so as well as my job which is 4 days a week, and my other job which is intermittent, I also look after the kids (they are teens but they do require constant taxi-ing plus the other shite that comes with kids)
I make all evening meals, which includes H's meal as he often forgets to eat. I remind him about his meds, twice a day, pick him up when his leg gives up or he forgets where to go, remind him about his appointments and take him to the ones he can't get to himself, do all housework, washing etc (he has a go maybe twice a week, but does a sh*t job and leaves it halfway through) He gets full PIP due to his disability, but refutes the idea he has one (its a brain injury from strokes) but is adamant he is well enough to go back to work (he is an accountant - he can't even count the towels correctly)
I do get it I really do - he can't comprehend how the idea that he doesn't function properly, but the idea that I'm his 'carer' is too much for him.
The fun part is that we are separated. I don't much like him a lot of the time. But he wouldn't cope on his own. So the simplest option is for him to stay here because there aren't any facilities for someone his age (and he wouldn't go if there was) At least then I can watch him, and he sees the kids and gets fed and medicated in the comfort of his own house.

*Dh has hit the roof stating I'm not caring for him. I do nothing to help him etc

I work ft. Do all the housework, cooking,cleaning laundry etc. I sort out all appointments for dcs. I'm financially responsible for everything.*

I'd be very blunt and ask him who he thinks does all that for him, because if he wasn't disabled, he'd need to be working and pulling his weight at home with the chores and the childcare and the running around for everything.

If he's still an arse, suggest he find a job then and give him a list of chores.

Your DH will be jealous of you because your life hasn’t changed beyond recognition.

Your husband might have felt like that, but it isn’t universal. I’m not in the least bit jealous of my DW.