To think I am a carer even if dh doesn't think so?

[Stressedgiraffe]

Just had a visit from a carers nurse after a Dr referral for stress and help
Dh is recently disabled and has just been awarded esa and has applied for pip. Should be according to the nurse entitled to enhanced pip.

He has daily seizures and is often incontinent.i have to remind him to take medication, support him after seizures, clean up after him.

The nurse suggested joining the local carer's support network. Seeing if there is respite care available if needed and getting him a blue badge.

Dh has hit the roof stating I'm not caring for him. I do nothing to help him etc

I work ft. Do all the housework, cooking,cleaning laundry etc. I sort out all appointments for dcs. I'm financially responsible for everything.

So who's right dh or the nurse?
Yabu- dh - I'm not a carer
Yanbu- nurse- you are a carer

It isn’t about being right, it’s about @Stressedgiraffe ‘s reality being recognised and the caring she does being appreciated.

Being a carer is hard- it isn’t ok to just deny the stress and work of that role.

I'd be tempted to do nothing at all for him for a day and then ask him again if that's his view...

This is very difficult for people for many reasons, not least that someone who is a carers in a different relationship to you than someone who is your partner/spouse. Naturally, people want to emphasise the partner relationship, they don’t want to lose it. This doesn’t affect any definition under the Act or help you may be entitled to.

Your DH may also be thinking that healthcare professionals should be thinking about how his needs can be met, independently, without involving you. He could have a point, whatever is needed it should not just be assumed you will do it.

It's a shame that he can't recognise your caring role. I get what pp's are saying about it being hard for him to accept it as it's about his independence, but it's also hard for you to take on another role on top of wife, mother, employee. Carers do a lot of unpaid slogging and not acknowledging that is the issue here. It's a smack in the face to realise not only does society fail to acknowledge or recompense caring work properly but the person receiving it does too. YANBU OP.

You are a carer - and expect deep down he knows this. I have for the past 2 weeks had to be a full time carer for my 10yr old as he has fractured leg. Despite being a carer for my dd for 15yrs (sen/mental health) caring for him is the most physically demanding and mentally draining thing I have ever done. Of course you deserve that recognition.

Tell your GP that you are a carer too. It will be taken into account if you need help or have your own medical needs.

In terms of your DH I would be tempted to withdraw rhe basics of direct assistance to him for a short period then ask him again. It will make him more self sufficient (e.g. he needs to find independant ways of managing his meds) and also appreciate the drudge of the cleaning up etc. He needs to understand this in order to move forward successfully. He needs to understand what he cannot do - not in a bad way but in that he needs to know where support is required and get it organised either through paid help or you. Paying for help will give him an understanding of value and also look at ways of keeping your relationship alive before you progress down the resentment line beyond a point of simple return.

Maybe he felt that you feel more like his carer now than his wife? It sounds like it's been a very recent disability for your DH and maybe he has not yet had time to process and face the full impact of his health decline and his changing care needs on you both. It will affect your relationship of course. We say we'll care for our loved one "in sickness and in health" but in reality you can't do it all alone - nor should you. If you try to you'll burn out and then you can't support him or DC.

it sounds like you ARE his carer and will need to shoulder the load of work, caring and family life (I've juggled this for over a decade so know it's beyond tough to do this without family and other support). Reach out for all the help you can get from support groups, family and friends.

He's grieving for the loss of the life he had. Your his carer and you need help.

It isn’t that simple.

When my DW is dealing with my continence issues or washing me, she is acting as my carer- in that space she is doing tasks that would not ordinarily be expected of a wife. She would be doing them even if we had had a blazing row 5 minutes before, because she is acting as a carer with a responsibility, not an angry wife who would quite like to fuck off out for an hour for some space.

If she was a wife first in that situation, I’d be left up shit creek while she slammed off to the pub.

The roles are intricately entwined all the time.

Being a carer in an intimate relationship is a really difficult thing- having to clean someone’s bodily fluids before you can have a shag, and not being put off/ not withdrawing necessary care when in an ordinary relationship “just do it yourself then!” would be a reasonable response/the extra mental load and physical labour/the limitations to your freedom/the guilt whenever you put yourself first etc etc absolutely need to be recognised.

As many others have already said, it seems clear that you are a carer with all the stress and also the impact on your relationship as husband and wife that brings. Yes, it's hard to accept the change especially if he feels like a burden so is minimising what you do but you still need all the support you can get and him acknowledging how hard it is for you can make a big difference to how you feel.

One thing that stuck out for me is that the practical care is around and after he has a seizure. Is it possible that his recollection and or awareness afterwards is poor so he genuinely doesn't realise quite how much you are having to support him?

My DH loses significant periods post seizure so it may be worth considering.

I wish you well and hope you get the right support to care for him.

I am my DD27s carer but would never say it to her as it would make her feel worse than she does already tbh.

I'd tell him he's really upset you with his comment and if that's how he feels you will stop doing everything you do for him. Including cleaning up his incontinence mess. In fact if you do nothing g for him he won't mind you and the kids going to stay elsewhere for a weekend will he?

He's not a child, he's a grown man capable of recognising and appreciating what you do for him

Can he do any of what you do for him himself? Do you work outside the home and what happens when you're not there? Is there an opportunity to step back a bit or is he just in denial? It certainly sounds like you do a lot for him, and doing his 'share' of family chores (shopping, cooking, cleaning) if he is unable to do them due to disability would also count IMO.

I would be really cross with him and spell out everything you do.

He's lucky I wfh. I'd be more concerned if I worked in an office.

It’s the terminology that’s got him all crazy. People just don’t like the term. You don’t have to label it, but you absolutely should get support from all the sources to help you to cope. It doesn’t matter what it’s called. If it’s there and it’s helpful for you then absolutely access it.

Have his seizures/condition affected his executive function?

He may truly believe you do "nothing" to help him sadly.

Oh OP, of course you’re a carer, no question about it. He doesn’t like the term is all, which is understandable, it must be very hard for you both adjusting to him being disabled.

Go to the group, support is helpful.

Are you getting cater’s allowance, because you should be. It would be good if you can get a cleaner, I would be worried you’ll burn out.

I'd be pretty firm on this one. I've witnessed a woman run absolutely ragged by her husband when she became his carer and all he ever did was criticise.

When he needs cleaning up after incontinence, I'd say: 'I want you to acknowledge I am doing this and that this is a carer's role. You say I do nothing. But who gets you out of your soiled clothes/bedding and cleans you up and makes you comfortable? Who washes the soiled clothes and bedding? Why do you say this is nothing?'

I'd do the same with medication. 'I am happy to remind you to take it but I want you to acknowledge that I do this because I am caring for you.'

Point out every additional role you take on and get him to show respect for what you are doing.

There’s only one way to find out. Go on holiday and see how he gets on without you. He might start to be a bit more grateful.

This.

He won't see himself as needing a carer. People don't want to be identified as different.

Find a way to use different words to explain the financial support may help - could you use to help money for a cleaner to lighten your load for example

Yes, same here. I’ve known several women whose husbands were totally dismissive of how they cared. I’m pretty certain mine wouldn’t behave like this but if he did I’d push back hard.

If you are registered as someone's carer (any age)

You can access discounts, benefits, access to a raft of other things locally

You can ask for help for yourself

It is not all about your DH !

Take yourself out for a full day, see if he thinks you do. nothing then

If he’s a good man struggling to come to terms with his situation, be gentle.

If he’s an arsehole, next time he’s sat in his own shit tell him that you’re not his carer 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hearing him say you do nothing for him must be very hard for you.
Realistically he cannot believe this to be the case. Even if he genuinely doesn’t remember you cleaning him after a seizure he must know that you have now taken on all of the household tasks which ( I assume) were previously shared.
It must be the terminology which is triggering him, otherwise why would he even think of saying something so unnecessary. He could have just said nothing.
I hope you get the support you need. As you WFH you don’t even have the outlet of a few hours ‘normality’ at the office. It’s easy to put everyone else’s needs before yours. It’s not a good idea to allow yourself to get too worn out as you won’t then be able to care for others. ( I appreciate that is much easier said than done).