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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p*ssed off DP has a pointless 30m call with a female work colleague every day?

155 replies

colachive · 23/04/2024 10:11

Just this. He has a 30 minute call with the same female work colleague (who he has stated "reminds him" of his ex-wife) every single work day. He's said it started as a project check in and now they just chat.

I don't really know how to bring this up with him but something about it just aggrevates me. It feels off. AIBU??

OP posts:
GoodnightAdeline · 23/04/2024 10:12

YANBU - he’s wasting 2.5 hours a week yakking away to her when he’s supposed to be working. No man devotes this much time to a random woman unless he fancies her, sorry

Singleandproud · 23/04/2024 10:14

Well are there other people he or she can chat to from a work perspective? We have social calls built into our team diary to reduce isolation.

SingingSands · 23/04/2024 10:14

I don't think you can tell DH what to do whilst he's at work.

You can, however, work on your own issues.

Velvetbee · 23/04/2024 10:15

I bet he doesn’t even chat to you for 30 whole minutes a day.

RisingSunn · 23/04/2024 10:18

My DH and his female colleague are always ranting, feeding back and there is really nothing to it. I don’t mind it at all.

Is it taking away from other things he should be doing at home? Is that why it’s bothering you?

Sorry - is this during the work day or home time? If it’s during the work day then you are definitely BU.

StarlightLady · 23/04/2024 10:19

If it is a work/organisation policy that those working remotely keep in touch like this, perhaps to avoid isolation as @Singleandproud has suggested, l don’t think you should try and interfere with his working day.

l also don’t see that the sex of the colleague has anything to do with it. Would you be saying similar if it was a man on the call?

Original poster
colachive · 23/04/2024 10:21

He is generally a very chatty guy, always says that he gets on better with women and has a lot of work craziness that he needs to vent with colleagues about -I get that. I’m just not sure why it needs to be with this one woman, every single day when he has a bigger team.

Another red flag, he told me that during a meet up recently he moved her bag out of the way in a pub in case it got nicked; and she called him. “Gentleman”. Honestly quite puke worthy stuff.

Relationship is great otherwise.

OP posts:
PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 23/04/2024 10:21

Working remotely can be very isolating and it's nice to have a work pal. I work with men I consider friends and we do call each other for an offload. Not every day, granted, but regularly. Maybe he doesn't have a man at work he can socialise with in the same way he can with this woman.

I mean, he's not hiding it is he? He enjoys her company and you know he does. I'm not naive about these things, but I don't think he's behaving badly or being sneaky.

Original poster
colachive · 23/04/2024 10:23

Agree he’s not hiding it! He sent me a screenshot of his calendar today to point out how busy he was, and I noticed this call in there. That’s what prompted me to make the thread

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 23/04/2024 10:23

Relationship is great otherwise.

There isn't an "otherwise".

You seem quite unhappy; and unnerved by this woman. Is there a reason for that? Has he changed the way he behaves?

IME, this is really normal. "Check in" calls are often scheduled to hold the time in diaries, but just become chats.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/04/2024 10:25

He seems to be putting his efforts into one woman, is he her boss?

Does he ring everyone else in the team everyday for a chat?

Revelatio · 23/04/2024 10:25

Pretty normal where I work too. Most check ins have turned to chats. Usually it’s advisable to keep your ranting to one specific person than rant to his whole team as you suggested - otherwise he’ll be deemed the ‘moaner’!

It’s different when you work from home, if he was in the office he’d probably chat to her more than this in person.

Original poster
colachive · 23/04/2024 10:27

He’s not her boss or anything, just peers. And there’s no company policy about this but I can see there’s lots of good reasons to have a pal at work you can confide in without becoming the “moaner”.

ill be honest it’s the ex wife comparison and the bag thing that has pushed me towards worrying - just those little comments that send your spidey senses tingling

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/04/2024 10:27

colachive · 23/04/2024 10:23

Agree he’s not hiding it! He sent me a screenshot of his calendar today to point out how busy he was, and I noticed this call in there. That’s what prompted me to make the thread

Is he working longer than his contracted hours?

I'd say that if he's that busy and it's eating into his free time either before or after work he should probably stop chit chatting with his colleague about non work related matters.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/04/2024 10:28

He sent a screenshot of his calendar to show how busy he is!!

He's at work, of course he's busy.

Why on earth would he send you screenshot of his calendar

Aaron95 · 23/04/2024 10:29

@colachive Another red flag, he told me that during a meet up recently he moved her bag out of the way in a pub in case it got nicked; and she called him. “Gentleman”. Honestly quite puke worthy stuff.

That seems ike perfectly normal behaviour between two peple that know each other well. You sound like you have jealousy issues.

Motnight · 23/04/2024 10:30

colachive · 23/04/2024 10:21

He is generally a very chatty guy, always says that he gets on better with women and has a lot of work craziness that he needs to vent with colleagues about -I get that. I’m just not sure why it needs to be with this one woman, every single day when he has a bigger team.

Another red flag, he told me that during a meet up recently he moved her bag out of the way in a pub in case it got nicked; and she called him. “Gentleman”. Honestly quite puke worthy stuff.

Relationship is great otherwise.

He sounds like a nice guy looking out for his colleague who just happens to be female in this specific instance, Op 🤔

BasilBanana · 23/04/2024 10:30

Crikey can you imagine the response if this was the other way round? "My partner has looked at my work calendar and told me he doesn't want me to have the regular catch ups that I have with a coworker. I mentioned once that he looks like my ex husband. Is this reasonable?"

In my opinion you are massively overstepping here.

Original poster
colachive · 23/04/2024 10:33

Fully prepared to hear AIBU. Thanks all for giving my head a wobble. Agree I do have jealousy issues due to a bad experience in a previous relationship – also, I’m waiting for Aunt Flo and might be unnecessarily ragey!

OP posts:
ZetuianRose · 23/04/2024 10:33

How are you finding this stuff out? I can’t picture a scenario where he just says “yeah works been ok, I had a catch up with “X” today, we used to have a project meeting but now we just use it for a 30 min chat each day”

Or “while we were at the pub, I moved “X’s” bag to keep it safe and she called me a gentleman”

it just sounds odd.

Janetime · 23/04/2024 10:33

Wow. This is a bit extreme isn’t it. I feel sorry for your husband having to deal with this level of jealousy and attempted control.

BodyKeepingScore · 23/04/2024 10:35

colachive · 23/04/2024 10:21

He is generally a very chatty guy, always says that he gets on better with women and has a lot of work craziness that he needs to vent with colleagues about -I get that. I’m just not sure why it needs to be with this one woman, every single day when he has a bigger team.

Another red flag, he told me that during a meet up recently he moved her bag out of the way in a pub in case it got nicked; and she called him. “Gentleman”. Honestly quite puke worthy stuff.

Relationship is great otherwise.

You're annoyed because she called him a gentleman when he was being a gentleman? Sounds like you have a bee in your bonnet about this particular colleague. Would you feel the same way if she was male? If he's doing it on work time and it's an accepted part of his work day then I think you're being unreasonable. You're just coming across as jealous and petty.

ViscountessMelbourne · 23/04/2024 10:35

GoodnightAdeline · 23/04/2024 10:12

YANBU - he’s wasting 2.5 hours a week yakking away to her when he’s supposed to be working. No man devotes this much time to a random woman unless he fancies her, sorry

Edited

Oh my god, I spend hours chatting to my closest male work colleagues about work/life/politics/food! I thought we were just having enjoyable conversations but now I realise they're secretly in thrall to my irresistible dumpy menopausal allure!

<<checks mirror>>

No, actually I'm pretty sure it's just chatting.

Haydenn · 23/04/2024 10:37

You’re first message I thought you were overreacting- I have had colleagues like this when I was working in high pressure situations and we would do this to get though it.

The comment about him being a gentleman is so low level I don’t know why he’d tell you unless he’s trying to make you jealous or play you. I make comments to colleagues, “aren’t you kind” etc. I’d be mortified if they were so proud of it they were reporting it onwards- he does sound like his heads been turned a bit

Peonies12 · 23/04/2024 10:38

Aaron95 · 23/04/2024 10:29

@colachive Another red flag, he told me that during a meet up recently he moved her bag out of the way in a pub in case it got nicked; and she called him. “Gentleman”. Honestly quite puke worthy stuff.

That seems ike perfectly normal behaviour between two peple that know each other well. You sound like you have jealousy issues.

I agree, this is definitely not a red flag .... he did a nice thing for a colleague. Why do you know so much about his work day? I don't have a clue what DH does most of the day, and vice versa, and we're both fine with that. Sorry but you sound very insecure and needy.