AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

Could you or your ex breakdown how the day will go and who will be there? Is there a video tour of the venue etc she could watch? My daughter (7) also gets anxiety for things/places she's never been before as she fears the unknown. It wasn’t a happy occasion but she went to her nans funeral last year (at her request). To help her anxiety I took her to the church a few days before and talked about what would happen and when from start to finish, it helped her anxiety massively.

Oh this is just what I want to hear! Thank you. I really do realise this now.

I don't know if a book like this would help?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Little-Bride-Bridesmaid-Handbooks/dp/1841214817
There might be some videos on youtube she could watch as well about how to be a bridesmaid. Might put her mind at ease and increase her enthusiasm again for it?

I was so anxious as a child and probably very similar to your daughter. I got pushed into things I didn't want to do and was told that it would 'do me some good'. It made everything worse and it took a lot of counselling in my 20's to get control of the anxiety. I think you're doing the right thing.

Another thing I picked up on was that your DD sounds really scared of her Dad. She shouldn't be worried about being honest with him because he'd shout at her, that suggests to me that he has shouted at her before about other things. That bit really does concern me.

Does she actually need to be there for hair/makeup at 9.00am? If some of the others being done are staying the night before maybe she could get a later slot and not have quite such a long day.

I have tried my best for weeks, and ve shown her clips of weddings, talked her through what happens, told her I’ve spoken to my Ex & said nothing bar manners is to be expected of her.

I don’t actually know the schedule for this day, I just know where it is & that the ceremony is at noon & that’s it!

After I told him last week to stop the pressure talks & that she’s upset about it, I was hoping he’d reassure her but he hasn’t.

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologise if this has already been said, but the fact that her father is taking the stance of “she has to stay there until 9pm” despite knowing she is incredibly anxious already, to the extent that you are having to consider travelling up there too, and there is a real chance she won’t enjoy herself, shows me that her father is putting your DD and her feelings last, and prioritising everything else above her. Given this, I would play the nodding dog for now and go along with whatever he suggests and then tell him the night before that DD has suddenly come down with an illness and will be unable to go.

Thank you for this! I’m glad I’m doing the right thing & I’m obviously not glad you went through that as a child but it really does prove that pushing her is def not the answer.

He’s not the most approachable if he deems someone to be questioning him & he doesn’t look a the bigger picture. Also lacks empathy which is probably why she doesn’t feel safe being honest.

You sound like a lovely mum in a tricky situation. She will hopefully be able to enjoy it now knowing you are near. Sounds like the right call.

You shouldn’t be spending anything on the hotel though - her day should cover this, your petrol and buy you a big bunch of flowers and something for his daughter! I hope you can make the most of the trip and enjoy a nice hotel breakfast together where she tells you all about the fun she had.

If the ceremony is at noon, what on earth are they doing until 9pm?

I would look at this another way... what time on Saturdays does your ex usually have her? Surely 9pm isn't the usual handover time? Can you bring it back to a shorter day and leave earlier?

FWIW I completely understand all the second guessing we mums (and dads who actually parent) do about supporting our anxious little ones. That tension between wanting to support them vs not wanting to make things worse in the long run. We have occasionally made our kids do things they were nervous about, because we knew they'd love them. We've also said no to things that everyone else thought we're great ideas, because our kids just didn't feel good about them. It's such a tricky balance and I just wanted you to know I get it, I see that mental load you're carrying all on your own, and you're doing an amazing job helping your daughter navigate these big feelings in some really difficult circumstances. She's lucky to have you!!

Supporting your children emotionally when they are young does not make them over-dependent, quite the opposite. It is part of a strong attachment which gives them the knowledge that with a secure base of love, they can go out and take on the world on their terms once they are grown. Get the room, be there for her and hopefully find a way to enjoy the time for yourself too.

"My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid"

Was she told or was she asked? She should have a choice in this.

She will definitely let slip she wasn’t unwell!🤣

I agree he feelings aren’t priority. I don’t think his were when he was a child so probably learnt behaviour.

My DS 1 was anxious about play dates, sleepovers ,school camps. You name it. We began by insisting that he did things “for his own good” but later common sense prevailed and he let him decide.
He is now 31,lives abroad and is happy, confident and well adjusted.

Thank you! It’s so tricky isn’t it! Half the time, I haven’t got a clue whether it’s right or wrong!

This is very true & what my dilemma was…
That tension between wanting to support them vs not wanting to make things worse in the long run.

He usually has her until 7pm at my insistence as it’s the only night I get to have my tea in silence without feeling like my head is going to combust!🤣

I think if I stay in a hotel nearby, I will say I will pick her up at 7 & if I drive, I will want to pick her up at 4 as it’s a long drive home.

Thank you for this! Did you insist mostly or let him decide mostly? Your son sounds unaffected anyway!

Told🙄 I have told them both that anything from now she needs to be asked & given the chance to discuss it with me if she wants before answering. I have also had a chat about saying no & it’s ok to do so and ok to tell him she’s nervous. I do t hold out much hope though as the stock answer seems to be ‘weddings are great’

Thank you🙂 I hope so. She’s definitely a lot happier tonight! She’s just had me doing role plays where I turn up at the venue for her & she runs to me & gives me a hug💕

Thank you all (well, most🤣) for such great advice, I’ve taken lots from this thread.

We started off by listening to other people telling us not to spoil him and there was a feeling we were setting him up for a lifetime of being clingy.
As we got more confident as parents we ignored all the advisers and listened to DS1.
He left home to flat share aged 18 and I feel that he gained in confidence by not being forced into uncomfortable situations against his wishes.

That's what I was thinking...

HE needs to do a better job of reassuring her and having a support system in place for her if he wants her to go.

If you do go up there, he needs to pay for a night in the hotel before the wedding as well as the night of the wedding why should you get up at 5am .

In a few years she won't want you near anything like this and you will be told you're cramping her style. You need to show her you've got her back now. There will be plenty of other nights to go out with your friends

Yes, I can see the problem. I've read the updates though and it sounds like she's happier now, I'm glad. 🙂 I do think the bride is being a Bridezilla though!

It's a choice to be a bridesmaid. Does your daughter realise this? Do you?

What a massive red flag.
Child that spends so little time with dad is obviously stressed about suddenly being put centre of attention with strangers.
And their response would be limiting that little contact she got with that side of the family?
I would ask DD if she wants to go.
That wedding is irrelevant in her life.
If she doesnot want to go spare her the circus and text everyone that DD is too stressed to go for this but is looking forward to relaxed casual family events.
Fuck them.

Btw I was very anxious around strangers and big events as child so parents did not force me to attend or were happy for me to have background role.
I since lived in multiple European countires, have tons of friends for 20+ years,finished two postgrads and work in a role where I have occasionally present to big groups no problem.
Children develop in their own time and trive from support and understanding.

OMG she’s 8!!! SUPPORT HER.