AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

Oh dear she has an awful sickness bug and can't make it at all.

Or, and this is what I would 100% do:

Sorry ex and all associated shitty family. My daughter doesn't want to be a bridesmaid. So she won't be. End of discussion.

8? Jesus I'd have done this with my dd at 18! She suffered from extreme anxieties growing up and because I supported her through it she's now doing better than we ever could have hoped. Your support will help her make baby steps.

It sounds like your daughter is feeling a great amount of anxiety because she feels pressure to have "the best day ever" etc. etc.

Has she been to a wedding before? Does she actually know what is expected of her?

A lot of folks get anxiety about doing something they are unfamiliar with. If they know what is to be expected of them, then that can alleviate a lot of the anxiety.

Can you both get all dressed up with you as the bride and her as the bridesmaid and 'playact' a wedding? Can you watch some movies which show younger bridesmaids? Can you outline the days events so she knows that your leaving at 5:00 AM, she is going to get her hair done at 9:00 AM, etc. etc. the wedding is at x:xx time.

Make sure she is able to bring a bag with her that has a book or other project she can work on. This way while she is sitting around waiting for hair or waiting for the pictures or waiting for x other thing, she can read her book so she's not sitting around bored.

I think giving her the tools to know what to expect will help a lot.

No she wasn’t asked. 100% won’t happen again. For her sake & for mine!

Thank you. She’s only been to weddings as a baby when my friends were getting married. She knows what to expect, I’ve gone through it all, the timings too.

My friend is getting married this year but no children have been invited so she won’t even get to go to this. Ironically, she’s most upset about not getting invited to this one🤣

If he can’t get a room, I will have to drive there & pick her up. I can’t see another solution.

This is really , really, really not your problem

Get him to find you a room. Worst case he gives you his and takes another one for himself further away. So what if he has to drive.

The other solution is she doesn't do it.

He will soon step up when he knows you are doing the tiger mom thing for your DD. Do him good 😁

Thank you! Oh good. As my op, I was worried me swooping in each time & not letting her experience being nervous might feed it & so make her more reliant on me always being with her but I’ve had some great replies that have said otherwise. I’m glad your dd is much better after you supporting her. Makes me realise my thinking was wrong!

I came on here to say the same thing.
She should pull out, it's too distressing.

Exactly.

Yep, exactly this. Nothing more to add.

She’s 8 - do the right thing and book a room. She’s your child.

She wouldnt be bridesmaid if she were my 8 year old.
Not a hope.
They could all get stuffed. 'Told'. I dont think so.
Dresses have been bought? Thats a shame. Ah well. Have a nice day. Dd wont be there though.

Can they invite you to the wedding?

otherwise find something nice to do nearby for yourself whilst she’s there.

I agree, and I don't think it would necessarily be a great experience for her.

I’m agreeing with the people who think you should go.

You being in the hotel as back-up teaches your daughter that she can venture out into the unknown, see new places, meet new people, experience new things - in the certain knowledge that her Mum will always be there in the background, offering safety and security. I think that’s the great lesson for a child to learn.

This.

They should invite you to the wedding! Tbf she will probably have a brilliant time but I do think they should ask you to go

Id tell the bride myself that DD doesn't want to do it, fuck all that stress on an 8 yo!

I think it's terible that his family know she's this worried about going and they haven't just offered to let you come to at least the evening do it would show that they at least appreciate the effort you are going to for your DD to be there.

My DSis got married recently and my DD (7) was a flower girl, she knows and loges all of my family and a lot of my now BIL's family too and she was still really nervous. Partly cos she didn't know what she would be doing. We got a run down of the whole days schedule and that helped and she had a bag of fidget toys/colouring books and a favourite comfort toy to keep her going as well as snacks, could you make her one of these or better yet get her father too? My ex sounds like yours so I understand the position you are in and it is utterly rubbish.

She's only 8 even adults get anxious and want their mum with them sometimes.

I would be getting a premier inn most of the way there for the night before. My children would be uptight and emotional if I got them up at 5am.

Your ex owes you a night out. I wouldn’t hold my breath on getting it though.

YANBU

The conversation has moved on.

I think it would be ok to leave your DD in the care of her dad overnight. When my DC were little, we had noone to watch them so one or either of us would stay home or leave early. I appreciate you want to put your DH first even though this fits in with your ex.

Why is your 8 year old anxious about playing with cousins? She knows 5 people there, included her father I assume?

Weddings can be very boring, Add in a ridiculously early getting ready time makes for a really long day. Do you intend being by her side? Sounds like your DD will have hours with her dad's side of the family before the wedding.

Would you allow a tablet or phone to watch? I would in these circumstances. Not during the ceremony or the meal. Outside of that I wouldn't care as long as they had headphones in.

Seeing your aunt 5 times a year is a lot.

I would not want to go to my ex sil's wedding.

Thank you! I don’t think his family know she’s upset. My Ex does. He’s just shrugged upto now but as of this morn when I said please stop the pressure & tell your mum to (it’s just them to really with the gee’ing up comments) stop ringing when she’s at his, he’s listened a bit more. I also said I’ll have to intervene as more upset again this morn.

Good idea re fidget toys & colouring, will def be doing that & even your DD being nervous says it all as she’s close to them!

I'm in the don't make her go if she doesn't want to camp. We let both of ours decide not to go to things that they were stressng about. Didn't happen often, but we didn't make them become anxious over anything that didn't matter (and generally weddings don't matter). One now lives abroad, the other 4 hours away. So it's not ended up limiting their life choices.

I honestly think she will have a great time! I really do. I just need her to know that I’m there & close by.

Oh gosh, I would rather swim in a lake of hungry crocs than go🤣 I love a wedding but not one like this!