SAHM

[VGoghsEar]

To think most women would prefer to be a SAHM given the choice. I don't know of anyone IRL that would choose to work if they didn't have to.

I didn't have to work. I went back at four and five months pt each time, and not as a high earner. NHS. Childcare fees took the equivalent of my salary for over two years.
21 years ago now, never a single regret.

Many SAHM are actually responsible for family budgeting though, not slaves to the pittance their partner provides. Any decision involving one parent potentially becoming the "stay at home parent', or regarding working hours/income in general, should involve discussions about shared family finances and responsibilities in general.

I take my hat off to women of today who are supposed to have it all - relationship, family, career - but actually no one can have it all and something has to give.

Do people tell your husband he can’t “have it all”? I would be prepared to bet good money that they don’t.

I know what you mean, of course I do and I don’t think you are doing this deliberately, it’s just something you have heard and picked up.

But actually that little phrase “have it all” is so damaging and belittling and misogynistic because it assumes that women wanting control over their financial autonomy are being greedy and damaging their families when this is never levelled at men who work.

The solution to women having too much to do isn’t to just shrink back into the domestic realm. It’s to force the men to step up domestically.

I think something that isn't helping here for some people is home working - a lot of women now trying to hold down full time jobs at the same time as looking after their children.

We don't do that - even though we WFH for part of the week, we still use wraparound and holiday clubs. I recognise we are fortunate to be able to afford it and to have children who are very happy to go.

But I see lots of posters talking about juggling both work and childcare at the same time, catching up in the evening etc and I always think that sounds incredibly stressful and maybe things were actually better when it wasn't an option.

I went back to work early from maternity as looking after a baby full time was making my brains melt and dribble out of my ears I was so bored!

If I won the lottery I wouldn’t necessarily do my job but I certainly would do something productive and it wouldn’t involve mummy and baby groups or nappies 😂.

I have great respect for anyone able to be a SAHM but it wasn’t for me!

@KeinLiebeslied54321

Many SAHM are actually responsible for family budgeting though, not slaves to the pittance their partner provides

Thats probably true. But it’s all hunky dory until he decides he wants out. Then the SAHM is budgeting with a much smaller pool of money.

Same here. We're all different but don't understand the need to be "financially independent" or to find it dull. It was the best 8 years of my life. Yes, it was hard but I wouldn't change a thing.

No. You must know some pretty dim bulbs.

Personally working is great if you've got a job/career you enjoy, nice colleagues/company and it's well paid.

Frankly for me to work full time it would have to cover costs for a cleaner and gardener as well as the childcare. I would also have needed to chose a better more equal partner.

It was very important to me that my DC did extracurriculars. They both did and even from a young age there was considerable commitment and time required. We could not have managed this if both working full time.

I will admit that I missed out on building my pension which I regret but I should have prioritised my part time savings into my pension.

When relationships fail (for reasons other than just him 'wanting out') finances generally suffer anyway though, for both parties.
I would also suggest that even a 'happy' SAHM should always consider if/how she could be employed, if need be, for a whole host of reasons (break up, ill health/death of partner, increased outgoings/bills etc).

I was a SAHM when my DC were tiny. I enjoyed it, but honestly I feel happier and more fulfilled since being back at work. I think part time is ideal if it's an option.

@KeinLiebeslied54321

Its a fair challenge: it’s obviously not always the man who ends a marriage (in fact in most cases it’s probably not).

But it is undeniable that it’s the women who are disproportionately impacted by it. People talk about “family money” and how everyone shares everything and that works well enough when things are ticking along but it’s remarkable how fast this can unravel when a relationship breaks down and even being married doesn’t prevent a woman from experiencing several years of economic hardship.

I just think that the benefits of being at home are very clear when you are run ragged with tiny children and trying to fit in a full time job. But the cost of being long term unemployed and increasingly unemployable because you have had years off are something women still don’t understand clearly enough. It can be a very stark situation to find yourself in if a marriage breaks down.

@Thepeopleversuswork I'd argue that not all SAHM are 'increasingly unemployable', especially if you've gained other skills (at home or volunteering in some way). It depends on the sector you work(ed) in and probably other factors too.

It does indeed depend on the sector and yes some SAHMs can pick things up again after a long period away from work but some really struggle. It certainly isn’t something you can count on. Particularly if you are aiming to earn enough to support a household on as opposed to a bit of extra spending money.

Lots of people struggle to progress in work even if they haven't taken time out as a SAHM/P though. Lots of folk in their 40's or 50's aren't much further up the career ladder than they were at 20 or 30, and that's ok if you are happy with that. I have a degree and a PhD and lots of work experience, in more than one area, but my time as a SAHM has definitely added skills to my 'list' (through volunteering, hobbies, general stuff at home etc). I find it quite sad that people are so keen to only see the negatives of having been a SAHM/P.

I think most people are answering this thread with the view that if they were a SAHM they would be spending their whole day doing childcare and housework.

Not with the view that they would pay a full time nanny, a cleaner and a housekeeper and spend their day doing whatever they would like (whether it be paid work, voluntary work, travel or hobbies).

You'd struggle to get the opportunity to fill your time with TV, visiting beautiful places, long walks and volunteering if you had 2 toddlers in tow.

Sorry but I simply don't believe that the majority of men do their fair share at home. I haven't seen anything that backs this up - stats/reports in the media, the fact that many older women leave their DH/DPs normally because they've had enough of them pulling their weight, the number of posts on here. I always get a bit of a feeling that is often the 'my DP is great' means they do a bit but not 50% and certainly not the mental load.

So many on here say 'oh god SAHM no thanks, I'd be bored'! Really? You couldn't think of all the things you could do? 🥴

I love my kids, and I'm part-time at the moment. Lots of reasons to choose work:

• adult conversation
• always had good friendships with work colleagues and been part of friendly, supportive teams
• my work is interesting and meaningful
• I get to use my skills and experience

I enjoy being at home with my kids and find the child development side interesting, and seeing their little personalities develop. But I do miss the adult conversation and get fed up with changing nappies, wiping tables, doing laundry etc.

Agree with this, totally get it if you have a career you enjoy but I actually dread the thought of having to go back to work once my DC start school as I don't have a "career" and would just be finding work for the sake of it! I love being at home with my babies.

@makeanddo I don't quite get the "I'd be bored" thing too. I actually liked going to Rhyme Time and Stay and Play etc - it was fun.
I found my (toddler) SAHM days mostly fun and fulfilling. I didn't have time to be bored.

@Whatifthehokeycokey the "adult conversation" thing I always find amusing in these discussions.
When I worked the adult conversations were 90% about work - "this task needs doing" type things. Not exactly brain stimulating 😂

I think we probably do very different jobs. English Department here (teacher). We talk a lot about the theatre, poetry etc. I chat with the PE department about sport. I have a friend in the RE department and we talk about God!

I don’t get bored as such (on mat leave), I fill my days quite nicely.

Just not as fulfilled I think, hence why I will return.

I adore spending more time with my baby and child but even when I return to work my conditions are favourable both DH and I are pre- pandemic hybrid, flexible, work PT, grandparents do some childcare (their choice).

Engaged DH who also does mental load - this is big actually and not something that came naturally to him at first.

DH and I have better convos when we are both working. We still discuss our interests now but it’s just richer - maybe because I get more reading/talk radio/engagement time at work, my world is broader.

I rem telling him a mundane story towards end of mat1, hearing myself and being ‘I need to go back to work’.

Also we carve out a lunch date on our WFH days not as easy to do while in Mat due to baby.

Re work convos - I met with a colleague last week and had a riveting convo about evolution, monkeys and baby poo 🤣🤣.

That DH & I also discussed at home.

But again that’s because my job is interesting.

@Whatifthehokeycokey that was my point about having a career vs a job. You got to talk to fellow teachers (although I assume during your lunch break?)
My job (retail) we couldn't get into interesting conversations while on the shop floor in front of customers even if we wanted to. We talked about work (what needs doing etc) and to the customers
If I wanted interesting adult conversation I had to do it out of work time.
I had more interesting conversations with other adults at Stay and Play than I did at work 😂