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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM

437 replies

VGoghsEar · 21/04/2024 20:24

To think most women would prefer to be a SAHM given the choice. I don't know of anyone IRL that would choose to work if they didn't have to.

OP posts:
Jeannie88 · 21/04/2024 20:44

I went part time, 3 and a half days, for the first couple of years. My job is stressful, so I didn't get the relief some do, but the home days weren't easy either. When you have a child with special needs it's that bit harder and so the usual things like playgroups can be a nightmare!

However the question to work if you don't have to? No of course not, I would spend my time volunteering to help charities, be with my family more, still be very active but not a wage slave!

Original poster
VGoghsEar · 21/04/2024 20:45

Needmorelego · 21/04/2024 20:34

@VGoghsEar oh yawn.
Yet another SAHM vs Working mum thread.....
Some people like their jobs.
Some people don't.
Some would rather be at home .
Who cares really?

It's not a vs at all. Nobody has said anything about one being better than the other. It is about noticing all the women in know that had to return to work after mat leave did so begrudgingly, some were completely depressed and conversations often come up about wishing they didn't have to work.

OP posts:
StrongandNorthern · 21/04/2024 20:46

I would, and I did (work).
No regrets.
Balance.

hban · 21/04/2024 20:47

I love working. Ran my own businesses since my twenties and I’d be devastated to give it up.

Had periods of being mostly a sahm mum years back and enjoyed it short term while they were tiny, but longer term I need the excitement of working towards something big in my life.

ChristmasCwtch · 21/04/2024 20:47

I was a SAHM for 3 years when my 2 DC were tiny. Hardest job in the whole world with no time off and little sense of satisfaction 😂

Going to work full time is easier!! And I love being a subject matter expert, who grown ups actually listen to (my DC seem to have selective hearing!!) 😆

DiscoBeat · 21/04/2024 20:48

I've always been a SAHM (not ntentional - I had planned to go back to work during school hours once they were at primary). Both my parents became very ill and needed lots of support for a few years. Then DH retired early and we got involved with renovating a house to rent out, plus we run several groups/governorships/committees so we're certainly both working, just not paid!

Jeannie88 · 21/04/2024 20:48

OP, what is your situation? It does seem a bit of a stir up reactions post. Xx

Tisfortired · 21/04/2024 20:48

I didn’t go back to work when my mat leave ended in November. We agreed I would stay home with the DC as we have no family help and full time nursery would cripple us.

I’ve been a SAHM then for, 4/5 months? And I am ITCHING to go back to work. I am on job sites all day. This SAHM lark isn’t for me. I am 33 and have worked FT since my eldest was born (now 11) and used to DREAM about the life I’m living now but the grass isn’t always greener.

DiscoBeat · 21/04/2024 20:49

I loved it, btw. They'll be off doing their own thing soon enough so I'm making the most of it!

Original poster
VGoghsEar · 21/04/2024 20:50

shepherdsangeldelight · 21/04/2024 20:38

I'm guessing you are a SAHM? And do you, perchance, spend lots of time with other SAHMs? No chance that the "anyone you know IRL" subset of people might be slightly self chosen?

I'm a woman and had no desire to be a SAHM. I enjoy my job (and would continue to do a similar role on a voluntary basis if I won the lottery).

Show quote history

No the whole premise of my observation is the majority of women I know do work but wish they could be a SAHM. I'm not a SAHM.

OP posts:
Mairzydotes · 21/04/2024 20:50

Maybe not everyone would be a sahm , but maybe they would prefer the lifestyle of someone who had taken early retirement.

But if you're question was asking if people would like to take 6/months a year out from their job , and walk back into it , you'd get different responses.

Brefugee · 21/04/2024 20:50

VGoghsEar · 21/04/2024 20:24

To think most women would prefer to be a SAHM given the choice. I don't know of anyone IRL that would choose to work if they didn't have to.

I would eat my own feet rather than SAHM.

We're all different. It suits some, others, not so much

Isthisit2 · 21/04/2024 20:50

Honestly sahp of school aged kids are so so much happier. There’s a world of difference to being a sahp to preschool dcs and then school dcs , the latter you get a massive break and loads of free time everyday. They get time to do housework , exercise etc.
I worked freelance when my dcs were small and was effectively a sahm but I loved it tbh (I have seriously reservations about nurseries but get that lots have no choice and have to use them) .
Now I’m working back in my career job and my dcs are in school and I’m absolutely exhausted tbh . My dh is completely hands on, it’s 50/50 but so much to do with 3 school aged kids and work.

dollahsains · 21/04/2024 20:50

VGoghsEar · 21/04/2024 20:45

It's not a vs at all. Nobody has said anything about one being better than the other. It is about noticing all the women in know that had to return to work after mat leave did so begrudgingly, some were completely depressed and conversations often come up about wishing they didn't have to work.

Show quote history

OP you need to distinguish between 'working' and 'working for money'.
I love the former. I hate the latter. I choose my current profession for financial reasons and while I like the work itself, it's all the things around it that get me down. Office politics, pointless meetings, bad bosses/colleagues.

If I won the lottery I wouldn't become a SAHM. I'd take on freelance projects at my leisure, or pursue my childhood dream of entering a creative profession!

I suppose some people can fill an entire day without paid work with domestic activities. Not me! I don't like cleaning, cooking, gardening or anything like that.

It's not 'work' that many people hate, it's their particular job and the inflexibility/stress/relentlessness of it.

Ankylo · 21/04/2024 20:53

I planned to be a SAHM and was able to. Changed my mind when I was on maternity leave! Working part time has been the perfect balance for me. It was very isolating on maternity leave for me!

User11223344 · 21/04/2024 20:53

Yes. Although for some reason feel bad for admitting it. And a bit worried how il get back into the workforce as my industry has since died

LaWench · 21/04/2024 20:53

No thank you, I like working for my own independence. I was quite bored at home during Mat Leave.

Needmorelego · 21/04/2024 20:57

@VGoghsEar ok so it isn't really a "one vs the other" thing - it's just there is a thread like this almost every other day in Mumsnet.

drymascara · 21/04/2024 20:57

I could be a SAHM but have chosen to Work PT. On all 3 of my Mat leaves i desperately missed 'people' (always worked in public facing role) and felt I lost my sense of self just being home with the DCs.
I would absolutely continue working if I won the lottery but perhaps a different sector.

MrsWhites · 21/04/2024 20:58

I’m a SAHM, I personally love it but it’s definitely not for everyone. My sister would hate it and loves her work. It’s personal preference, the same as anything else.

It’s interesting though that you think ‘most women would prefer to stay at home’ - what about most men? Why is it only women that people assume don’t want to work and would rather be at home with children??

TTPD · 21/04/2024 21:00

No, I wouldn't ever choose to be a SAHM. Nothing against it, it's just not for me.

DH would love to be a SAHD though, and he'd be great at it.

Original poster
VGoghsEar · 21/04/2024 21:00

MrsWhites · 21/04/2024 20:58

I’m a SAHM, I personally love it but it’s definitely not for everyone. My sister would hate it and loves her work. It’s personal preference, the same as anything else.

It’s interesting though that you think ‘most women would prefer to stay at home’ - what about most men? Why is it only women that people assume don’t want to work and would rather be at home with children??

Because that is my experience.

OP posts:
Whitesapphire · 21/04/2024 21:01

I do sort of wish I didn’t have to work but I do love the money! And I love providing for my daughter and buying nice things, so I’m not sure really.

Needmorelego · 21/04/2024 21:01

@dollahsains exactly. I hated my job because it was boring, low pay, odd hours, badly organised......
I am a "SAHM" in theory but I actually fill my time with other things than child care and household chores - which is work in a way. I just don't get paid a wage for it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2024 21:02

It wouldn’t be for me at all. I found maternity leave boring enough and went back after 3 months as I will this time.

I love my career and I love earning my own money. I also wouldn’t want to solely rely on someone else financially, I’d feel so vulnerable.