Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

If this were my parents I'd be saying OK no problem and not trying to pressure them or show them that I was now worried about how to juggle it. It's not fair to put that on them.

Did it not occur to you they would naturally be slowing down, getting ill, be more tired, have arthritis, blood pressure or the many illnesses that come with age we don't burden our kids with? Can they run after your bolting toddler? I really don't think you're considering age and how quickly things change.

Nothing to do with enjoying it. Childcare is physically and mentally exhausting let alone at 70 ....past retirement age which many struggle to work too.

Just as OP should have no qualms about moving away again for an easier commute.

Did it not occur to them it was unfair asking OP to move down and make her life harder?

To be fair in general here. Making big decisions around things like house moves etc based on childcare offers by elderly gp is rarely a good idea. At their age their health and energy levels can change suddenly and without warning . It's can be good while it lasts but absolutely it shouldn't be the main reason anyone does anything .

Seriously? Guilt trip your parents into paying for your childcare if they are unable to do it for you?
How about grow up and take responsibility for the kids you chose to have?

I'm not sure what else they can do than tell you if they can't manage? If it were a paid job an employee felt they were no longer up to, no one would think them unreasonable for leaving. As for their fitness for hobbies, it's an entirely different thing. Hobbies can be done at ones own pace and breaks taken when needed. Two children cannot be put aside for a break and themselves set the pace, which can be too full on for some. I'm a grandmother 20 years younger than your parents, and DGC tire me a lot more than my paid job, never mind my hobby!
I think your parents should have given notice, but I'd be wary of being too obviously annoyed as you don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. They're doing half a day, and will likely still be offering the odd babysitting if you need it, which is much better than nothing at all.

And what would happen if one of the grandparents collapsed while caring for the grandchildren? Age and exhaustion are a very good reason...you don't need to have cancer to be ill most 70 year olds are on medical treatment....blood pressure, cholesterol tablets etc....all to prevent heart attacks for example.

OP i understand your disappointment. It’s hard when things change suddenly and unexpectedly especially when there are large financial implications. A lot of people commenting that they never had any support doesn’t change anything in your situation- everyone has different situations and no doubt different decisions may have been made re work and childcare had you known that the current arrangement would not be possible longer term.

I think YANBU to be disappointed but also your DP are not being unreasonable for being honest with you about what they can manage. There doesn’t always have to be a hero and a villain. I suspect what people have been trying to sa which may have come across as flaming but perhaps not intended is - you’ve had a good years run, they’ve done what they can which undoubtedly has made things easier and now they can no longer offer that. As others have said it would have been much worse if they struggled along and you were unknowingly putting your children in an unsafe environment because they can’t meet their needs.

I agree with previous posters re trying to arrange something during this transitional period of 4 months -if they would consider looking after 1 child, going back to work and begging to allow compressed hours for just for 4 months (you never know they might prefer this than potentially losing you) and then you and DH will have to think about how to manage after September with 2 year old who will still need childcare. I’m sorry it’s a stressful time but as you’ve said your DP have been quite clear about what their limitations are it seems like this is really out of your control and need to start looking for solutions.

Good luck with it all

And if it is, that's perfectly alright.

Um, what would happen is that someone would call an ambulance. There's always what ifs at any age. No need to be melodramatic. OP knows her parents and is basing her posts on a better knowledge of their capabilities than ours.

I suspect that her parents would be relieved if she did so.

My 71-year-old sister is practically killing herself looking after her boisterous 3-year-old grandson three days a week. He goes to nursery the other two, but she has him from 8am to 6pm and her daughter doesn't seem to understand how brutal it is for her mother. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack thread, but it bugs me how older grandparents sometimes have to pick up the slack.

And they are basing their decisions on their own knowledge of their capabilities which will be better than OP's

She doesn't have to though. She should be able to say to her daughter that she cant

They didn't sign a contract, they have every right to change the agreement. It's been a year. She's her mother, she doesn't owe the OP anything.

@patchworkpal I quite agree with you. She is being quite passive in this, but says she couldn't see her daughter "in a fix" and that daughter needs to work but can't afford 5 days at nursery.

You have no idea how tired you get at 70. And things can change very quickly. There’s a reason people retire from work!

They’ve been really helpful. I am sure you had many reasons for moving - you surely wouldn’t have moved your lives for one day’s childcare?

Listen to them. They don’t feel they can do it but they’ve still offered half a day. And presumably babysitting. Many people would grab that.

OP, you’re throwing a tantrum at people on here. Lots of us are trying to help you. We appreciate it can feel frustrating. Your parents haven’t just given up after 1 day, they have tried. It isn’t working. It does suck for you and i completely understanding your emotions but accepting family childcare comes with all sorts of issues. There are many pros but it comes with many cons too!

I was 67 when Gdd1 was born, and volunteered to do one day a week - usually it was both me and dh, and we had to come from 60 miles away and stay the night in order to be there in time in the morning.

Gds arrived only 15 months later and by then I knew 2 would be too much - unless they could both be guaranteed to have a good long nap at the same time every day! Which obviously wasn’t going to happen.

So we offered to help with childcare costs instead - and I do realise that we were fortunate to be able to do so.

IMO it can be difficult for parents of young children to realise how tiring they can be when you’re getting on a bit. I know I wouldn’t have had a clue when I was managing 2 very little ones unaided - dh was always working very long hours then, and we had no grandparents anywhere near.

Your parents are nearly 70. Yes they offered to help, but they were always likely to have issues related to aging at some point that would potentially prevent them from helping out even if just short term (a fall, bad back, bad knee, etc).

So, in accepting their kind offer initially, you really should have been financially planning for periods when they wouldn’t be able to help, whether that was arranging flexible working hours with employers should you need them or putting your 4yo’s name down for a preschool place ahead of starting school in September.

On the assumption that 4yo is starting school soon, anyway, it’s a short term problem, really as your childcare costs will reduce?

It’s annoying if you moved because you thought you were getting a days help with childcare but at almost 70 I wouldn’t have expected them to be able to help out for much longer anyway.

Your eldest is 4 so I presume starting school in September? Could they continue having just the 4 year old until they start school?

Unfortunately you will just have to pay the nursery fees for the 2 year old, many people have to do this. Do your nursery offer a discounted rate if they go 5 days per week? Maybe look into this as mine offer this and it’s only around £20 extra for the 5th day of the week.

I get that your frustrated you moved because it was agreed before the move and you factored your costs accordingly.
They also probably had a bit of a romantic notion about caring for young grandchildren rather then the reality of it.

But they have outlined they are struggling so that element shouldn't be ignored either.
You can't do compressed hours but can your DH?

Examine different options like childminder but also if you have any 2s+ playgroups where you leave them nearby as generally they are cheaper alternative as well and may work well.

Would you have moved down south anyway, without the offer of childcare?