Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

Wow… if this is your attitude no bloody wonder they’re telling you to mind your own kids!! You should have known (as every parent does) that unpaid childcare is never a given and budgeted accordingly. You didn’t and now it’s too much for them and yet you still want to blame them!? They’re in their 70s and yet you don’t think it’s reasonable for them to say no!? For goodness sake if you didn’t think of this when you bought your house you’re the fool here!!

I think you should be glad they have been honest, better that than pushing themselves and then having a stroke or heart attack as happened to a grandmother in her 60s of someone I know. Perhaps long term you should consider returning to live in London. I see a season ticket from Brighton to the City is just under 7K pa and it will only go up in price. What you would save in terms of time and money would allow you more time with your girls and more money for housing and childcare. In the short term, can your DH compress his hours?

Did the OP ask?

I dont think you sound entitled at all. Actually I think your parents sound it. Get you to move near them, have the fun of GC one day a week, then when it is too tiring they back out. Up to them yes, but how selfish to put the burden on you because THEY have changed their minds.

You have done nothing wrong.

Do you think parents go into details of their medical history with their exhausted stressed children? All my kids grandparents were dead before 70...heart attack, ruptured aortic aneurysm, one cancer (the only one we expected), one stroke I wouldn't like to think I had contributed to their deaths by putting pressure on them or my kids to have seen it particularly the aneurysm.
I don't think anyone who isn't 70 understands how exhausting things are until they have those shoes on....even their kids. We tend to be blind to our parents aging unless we haven't seen them for a while.
No need to be so blind to situations through a desire to put the burden on people who have asked for help.

Can one of you compress your hours?

Or Mothers help for the half day with 2 y/o and a wfh day?

Honestly OP i'd move back to london

That's so sad. I regularly check in with my mum so she knows she can stop any time and we'll still come and visit her. I think sometimes it might be the worry that they won't ever see the grandkids if they stop

No, she didn't.

100% this. OP has her head in the sand.

@Theroadnottravelled

I do get your very reasonable disappointment at them being unable to continue to do what they have been doing. A 2 and a 4 year old have endless energy and as a 71 year old myself ( my DH is also71) we couldn't cope with kids that age all day.

You have also said you are grateful to them etc, but as well as being disappointed you also come across as being resentful.

1. You say that you moved to be nearer to them, but as your parents only offered you 1 day a week the day before you moved, there must have been other reasons for moving? You make it sound in your OP that the reason you moved was because they could help with the child watching? Were there other reasons to move, or did you assume you could persuade them to watch the kids?
2. You also imply, in effect, that your parents could easily watch the kids for 1 day as they are fit and active: others on here have pointed out how much more tired people become by late 60's/early 70's sometimes quite suddenly

I'm sorry but those examples of your resentment ARE unreasonable, where the disappointment is not. Please try to let the resentment go. I hope you can come up with some other arrangement for both your children. From what you said, your DH works from home? Could he work while they do a half day 9(morning) and then do the rest of his work after you are home or kids are in bed?

Maybe get a job nearer to home? What was the plan when the kids start school?

They didn't get the offer of childcare until the day before they moved.

That would make them twats for guilt tripping a daughter to move closer.

Once again for those in the back, the OP said ‘My parents did offer the day before we moved’

She means the parents offered A DAY PER WEEK of childcare, before OP moved. So they got OP to move and are now backtracking.

Not that they offered it a day before OP moved

My parents did offer the day before we moved

What the OP said.

I don’t think that’s quite right. The OP said “My parents did offer the day before we moved, yes”. I took that to mean they offered a day a week to the OP before the move happened, so effectively it was part of the plan.

Doesn’t matter, the plan isn’t working and I think the OP just has to come up with a new one. I don’t think she’s being entitled based on what was offered, but a bit ungracious about what has already been provided.

Honestly, even half a day is a big ask, and no doubt very inconvenient for them in terms of their own lives but they’ve been kind enough to offer.

I would bite the bullet and make alternative arrangements to let them completely off the hook.

FFS she means they offered A DAY OF CHILDCARE, before OP moved.

If that's what is right for them as a family, of course they should.

@exomoon The OP did not say her parents put pressure on them to move to be nearer. And the offer of a day's childcare was only made the day before they moved.

If anything, it sounds to me more likely that OP just assumed the parents would help, but I'm just surmising. She didn't say that either!

I've asked for her reasons for moving a few minutes ago. Have to wait and see if she replies!

Yep. A day before.

I read it as they offered the day before they moved too. As in on the Sunday they said we can do a day, and then on Monday they moved.

No, not have refused, obviously, but you have fallen into the trap of depending on it and your now struggling to adapt. To a degree, by not considering what would happen if it went wrong, like it has, you have put yourself in a position of feeling let down, stuck etc therefore appearing entitled about it.

Things change, you need to find ways to change with it. Not easy but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's unfair or anything. Balancing children and work is always hard and you can't take the easy times for granted at all.

I'm sure you'll both figure something out. You'll both need to you quite starkly, the buck stops with the parents, welcome to the world where the curve ball strikes, it sucks sometimes.

I don't believe OP has said they asked them to move down. In any case, they were free to decline to move.

How do you know who has thanked you for your posts? It just says they were thanked, not who by!
Also, again, what have your last comments actually offered in the way of help?