Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

Everyone is different, but I think 70 can be a turning point for some in terms of energy levels. It has been for my in-laws. They said to us, look don't expect us to do the same as we did for (your BIL) because we're older now. Fair enough.

It's not clear from your OP, but did they ask you to move down near them with the offer of one day a week of free childcare as one of the incentives?

Or did you move down because you wanted to be closer to them and the offer of childcare came after the decision was already made?

If the former I can see why you are a bit frustrated, although they were unwise to commit to something without knowing how they'd cope with the reality.

But if they didn't persuade you into moving down with the promise of free childcare then although it's disappointing I think you would be unreasonable to blame them for deciding one day a week is too much.

Lots of grandparents aren't already 70ish when they have such young grandchildren too.

I think you have to trust them to know what they can and can’t manage, and honour their wishes. It’s a shame they can’t manage it anymore but at least they helped for a year!

Totally agree with this. My PiL who are very fit and healthy suddenly got a lot more tired after 70.

My dm used to have mine 3 afternoons a week.

Problem was she would let him nap all afternoon when l was cutting out naps. Sometimes for 3 hours. Then he’d be up until midnight.

Taking the emotion out of things, your DPs might not have known how hard it would be when they made the offer of childcare. It was well meant but too much for them. You probably could have anticipated this better than them. See if you can work out a transitional arrangement to get you through to start of school and then aim not to rely on them for anything more than as hoc cover.

Bear in mind at 70 they have perhaps ten years left of full active life, after that it becomes a bit of a lottery. Some people do have long and healthy lives, but most of us will start to develop infirmities of one sort or another if we make it to 80. They should be getting the most out of their retirement.

My parents are 70 and their eldest GREAT grandchild is nearly 10. 70 is quite elderly to start being grandparents, so I don't think it's realistic to expect them to start caring like they might be able to if they were more average aged grandparents.

I do think they could have at least carried on till the eldest started school.

I wonder if it's more to do with it interfering in their social lives rather than being too tired?

You got the response you goaded her into giving.

Find another thread maybe.

To be a grandparent to an under 5 (which it sounds like OP's child is) could mean-
Grandparent now at age 70-79
Actually became a grandparent age 65 to 74
Both the parents and the grandparents became parents themselves anything from mid 20's to mid 40's (average around mid 30's).
That's not unusual!

They have said it's too much, so it is doubtful they could have 'carried on till the eldest started school'.
It's irrelevant why it's too much, it's simply too much - no explanation is owed!

Do you do anything in return to make things easier for them? What if you and your husband did their gardening or some cleaning for them so they more energy for the kids.

Hopefully OP also gives zero explanation when she packs up and moves away.

I know mine were unusually young, but as someone else pointed out, late 50s-early 60s is more usual now. Ten years can make a big difference at that age. I get that if both grandmother and daughter had their children at 35, that would make 70 to become a grandparent. Maybe something that is becoming more common with delayed childbearing now, and maybe something that will make it harder to have grandparent care for grandchildren as the older grandparents can't do it the same they could have earlier?

How so? So it’s fine for them to get OP to move near them with a promise of help and then back out and yet not fine for OP to move away?

What are you trying to achieve with that sort of comment?

YABU. Your choice to have kids. They shouldn’t be obliged to help you.

I think there is quite a wide age range tbh.
As it is I don't think anyone should expect their parents to care for their children - it's nice if it's offered, but it can also be a minefield too - for both parents and grandparents.

But normal in families.

I agree with you

What are you trying to achieve with your thread policing?

Well my parents, even though 40 when they became grandparents, certainly didn't do any childminding. I didn't expect it or need it. My mother does talk a lot about women she knows minding grandchildren in the school holidays though. Most of my friends had grandparents who watched children regularly, but I just accepted it wasn't my parents' 'thing'. We sorted ourselves out by moving somewhere where me and DH could support each other with the children more. I sometimes get the impression my mother thinks that she should have done more like her friends but she made her choices at the time and we made ours based on our circumstances. She visited lots though, and that was nice. Probably nicer than her just babysitting as I got to spend time too. Unfortunately we only see them once a year now, but that's how it had to be for us to manage as a family.

@exomoon the OP hasn't actually said that the GPs asked them to move down with the promise of free childcare.

Maybe they did, but it's not stated in the posts, only that the offer was made before the move - which could well have been after the decision was made already. And the OP may have moved because they wanted to, not because the GPs coerced them into doing so.

Hello

Did you not read the post you quoted?

Who said anyone "expected" that??

Did you not note the bit about if we felt our kids were taking the "p"??

What I have posted is a fact and the majority from the area of asia we come from do, do as we do and that is another fact.

"shocked" really, why because we can sau, NO?