Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

The only person who has a wrong attitude here is you. I will not continue conversation. Shame on you. No copy

So you moved op for the one day childcare

Or did you move to actually be nearer gp

Your parents raised and looked after you. They don't need to now look after your kids

@Theroadnottravelled - the idea of "it takes a village" isn't about hiving off childcare to others, it's having a range of people and generations involved in children's lives. Your parents will still be very involved without providing weekly scheduled care.

I understand it's frustrating to need new and costly childcare arrangements, and I empathise. Unfortunately, the sheer effort needed to look after two preschool children at 70 is so much more than most of us expect, and I'm sure your parents wanted to do their best for you.

Have you thought of asking them to take just your 4 year old for a day, and keeping your toddler in childcare? That might be a sustainable compromise.

Usually the village cares for the elderly, doesn't expect them to be watching young children. That falls more to those who are a bit younger.

It is very unnatural, but so is the whole of society. It is unnatural that so many elderly people are aging alone, delayed childbearing isn't natural. A more natural pattern is probably childbearing in 20s, those families helped by people in middle age (say 50s), and older people (say 70+) being helped out by both groups. For many reasons society isn't structured like this though so we have other structures in place - like childcare. I think a more natural society would be better all round but I don't think that will ever happen.

70 isn't old but not all 70 years old are up to watching toddlers. My parents are 70. My mother has balance issues and my father has a really bad hip. No way they could chase a toddler or be safe to leave one in their care.

I was 23 and 25 when I had my two my parents 44 and 46. They had so much energy chasing after grandchildren.

My sons married mid thirties so I was 59 and husband 65 when the first grandchild arrived. I'm now 68, with serious back and hip issues. Husband 73 with shoulder and knee issues. Now five grandchildren and done.

We don't have the same energy our parents did.

Why are people so rude unnecessarily? So because your family couldn’t give two shits about helping you out with your children, the OP doesn’t get to be disappointed that her parents can no longer help out? When it was there suggestion in the first place??

OP, people want you to struggle because they have struggled. You have every right to be disappointed and even annoyed, but what can you do about it other than put the kids into nursery? There’s nothing that you can do but I’d feel the same way.

DCs grandparents are young (late 40s/early 50s) so I can’t quite relate to the ages of your parents. However, my grandma is 71 and even though she’s quite active for her age, no way could she manage a full day with my children (1&2). It’s frustrating that you’ve moved areas and expected help but it is what it is.

Posters can have an opinion without needing to attack the OP. It’s weird as fuck

Why are people so rude unnecessarily? So because your family couldn’t give two shits about helping you out with your children
That sounds unnecessarily rude😂

Many younger people don't understand how difficult it is dealing with two small children age 2 and 4 when you're older.

I watched my gc ages 2, 4 ,8 and I had to do it every single day and I ended up with a pretty bad back injury because you still have to pick those little kids up and they're wiggly.

Imagine a 70 year old trying to pick up a wiggly 2 or 4 year old and losing their balance, falling, and getting injured.

What I really don't like in the threads is that underlying resentment when a grandparent doesn't become a child minder or does it for a while and then realize that they really can't do it anymore.

I don't know whether what it's called entitlement or something it just feels off to be resentful. The grandparents are not machines and they did raise their own children and they've earned the right to enjoy their older years.

My DM is 72 and has my DS’s DC while she works a lot. She is exhausted. She agreed to it years ago, and doesn’t know how to tell them she doesn’t want to do it any more (but she’ll happily rant to me).

Things change; it is what it is.

I will go against the MN chorus here, I think they are being selfish, if they are physically able, and it's only for a few more months before it eases, I think they should soldier on. It feels as if they have reneged tbh. Have they been supportive of you before this?

@Theroadnottravelled sorry you're getting a hard time on this thread.

Whilst your parents are entitled to change their commitments, I can understand your frustration when you've built your life arrangements around it. Hope you find an arrangement that suits

I doubt very much they have gone from "perfectly fine" to "it's all too much" at the drop of the hat. It actually sounds more like they have been solidering on for quite some time, perhaps thinking that they might be able to manage through until September and have realised that it's actually too many months.

I do suspect they might be happy to take on ad-hoc childcare, for example to cover school illness once the oldest starts, which is a huge pain for working parents and would be an amazing support for OP.

I assume they were supportive of OP before or she would not have taken their offer up. If my parents offered a day a week childcare, even without my having to move, I would say "no thank you" straight away, as I know full well from past experience that the chance of it working out in a sensible way would be slim to none.

My dm is 72 and a widower for the past 10 years, she has taken care of my dd as well as my niece when the ages were 1 and 3 for about 2 full days at a time for over a year.
When I told her about this thread over dinner, she said the GPs are being wholly unreasonable that they cant do 1 full day to help their cash strapped child. But thats my DM. Shes probably not as physically fit as the GPs in question.

Sure. But how would you feel if you'd been doing your best to help your daughter, but when you explain it's getting too much for you, she goes on to social media to complain about your bad attitude?

Disappointed at the situation- fine. Disappointed in her parents - not fine.

Your mother is wholly unreasonable to not realise that just because she can, doesn't mean others aren't capable. My parents couldn't.

I honestly didn't know anyone who expected their parents to facilitate their lifestyle a generation ago. It seemed to be more a case that you did your best for 18 years, then it was down to them. There's been a huge sociological shift towards extended childhood and parenting, with a knock on effect that adult children now seem to expect far more financial and practical support than our generation did from our parents. Some of it down to factors beyond anyone's control, such as far more expensive housing, making it next to impossible for one parent to stay at home.

But one of the effects of extended childhood is that people are delaying parenthood till much later, which means their parents are going into grandparenthood at a much older age. It's a double-edged sword - they're older and their adult children expect/need more help bringing up their own kids.

They offered...

This, basically. They're telling you it's too much. YABU.

But now they’re saying it’s too much so that’s it.

Things change.

Most?
Not in my circle they're not.

I find it interesting that it was her father that told her because in my family that would have been down to me - my DH helped if he was around but the care was my choice and principally my responsibility

This isn't SM, it's an anonymous forum

The OP hasn't plastered this all over FB or Insta has she?

In my circle most 60 year olds are on something. The fittest 70 year old had suddenly onset dementia and went from amazing energy to nursing home in 2 years. Are you really saying most of your 70 year old friends have no conditions...
No arthritis, no cholesterol, no BP etc? Or do they just not sit around moaning about it?