Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

Well they moved because the parents commited to help. Should they have not promised help with kids the situation would be different.
Also, bear in mind that there are people here who come from various cultural background and the values are different with regards to the grandparents involvement .

I'm not complaining at all, I love my children and my life. (Although to be fair if anyone else made a 'hard' choice in life but wanted a little moan would we begrudge them for it? Or do we only do that when people have more than two children?)

I'm simply stating that as my MIL would have the choice to not look after them because it was too much to handle, I would then have to make my own choices on what was too much to handle. Which would include doing lots for her, which I seem to be being told I am a terrible person for saying? Why is it one rule for the grandparents, everyone on the thread saying they have a right to play golf seven days a week, but when a parent of young kids says they wouldn't be able to do lots for their MIL because they are looking after four children and two adults that they're 'terrible'?

No they didnt ….they wanted to also be in the area ….and no one is gonna move anywhere on the basis of getting 1 free days child care a week….absolute bollocks…and circumstances change….people age ….they are 70 not 50 ( the age I became a granny) ……doesn’t matter what your values are…..if it’s too much, then it’s too fucking much

Nobody in their right mind moves on the basis of getting free childcare once a week.

I think the problem is it's easy to offer in theory but the practice of it is somewhat different- the thing is @Theroadnottravelled it may possibly be down to one or the other of them finding it too much or too restricting. We tend to think of our parents as kind of a 'group' thing- but it's really easy even at that age not to necessarily agree on doing something but go along with it for awhile . Maybe it's not a joint decision at their end but if one doesn't want it- it's not going to work - just a possibility

But they have not commited to any weekends and ad hoc from what I am reading. They are fit to play golf.

I am 51yrs old and a mother of 11year old boy. I work full time. And I take care of my 83years old mum who help me with my son when he was younger. Yes, she was in her 70ties when she was helping me and on 10 medications.

@Brefugee just seen one of your previous comments about my comment. Don't assume what you don't know, my mother in law is FAR better with strict boundaries than I am! She's hardly a terrified woman and we include her in SO much of our lives. We have a fantastic relationship and she's fully aware if she didn't help out I'd have to work for longer hours or I'd find it hard to get out the door to travel to her as I'd be tired from having to have the kids while trying to work at home.

We’ll get you🙄

i am fit to play golf…but looking after toddlers is a whole different ball game …..and if they don’t feel up to golf one day that’s fine….but if you’ve committed to childcare you are stuck doing it even if you feel shit.

Fucking hell I can’t beleive this post…..your poor MIL

every mum's life:)

Yeh,…but not every grandparents …..just those with selfish adult children it seems

tbh I know a lot of couples who moved closer to the grandparents when they had kids.Quite common, believe me.

Sure, but not just to get a free day of childcare every week.

But not for the sole reason of getting 1 days free childcare eh?🙄

I'm south Asian, parents and inlaws haven't helped at all with our kids.

from what I understood they are driving their parents to appointments, fixing whatever is broken etc. I would hardly call them selfish adult children.

In many cultures, there are multigenerational families live together or nearby. They help each other, and raise children and grandchildren together. Nobody puts elderly to the "retirement house" unless it is advanced Alzheimer etc

Have you seen the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding?

The British way is not the only way. My son's British grandma hasn't seen my son in last 4 months and when she does... ughh I spare you that

UK is a multicultural society, and that is why you have radically different perspectives on this topic

In some cases, arrangements like that were mutually agreed upon, and in some it was about general help, support and ad hoc childcare.

Please note that OP didn't move and demanded childcare. They had some agreement. The grandparents are withdrawing from that agreement. Ok. Fine, but one day they may also need help.

The idea of a village raising children only works when parents have children young, if your parents wait until they are 40 to have you and you wait until you are 40 your parents would be 80, so the village idea falls by the wayside.

Op try and control your annoyance when they then say that they never see the kids anymore

@Gettingonmygoat I don't think OP parents are in their 80ties
I had my child when I was 40.5 and my mum 72. I don't think it is good to generalise. It depends on many factors: age of a grandparent, health, how many kids and what age, mental health of a grandparent etc...

@JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything @Kitkat1523 if you're talking about me then yes, it's exactly that. I'm taking care of my mum who is bedbound and my dad who is end stage Alzheimer's, and look after four children. It's like we're not allowed to have any expectation of our parents whatsoever but meanwhile we are the 'sandwich' generation having to do everything with no support. Yes I would absolutely feel bitter if my capable MIL saw how badly we were struggling and wanted to for instance play golf 7 days a week instead of helping with childcare and on top of it expected me to do things for her. Luckily that hasn't happened with my MIL as she's a saint and in turn I do what I can for her. Once my parents have died (which will be soon) I can give her more of a break and dedicate time to her. But yes, let's all feel sorry for my MIL who has six days a week free to see her friends lol

Well said

My auntie who is 65 burst into tears on my mum last week. She is providing day care 2 days a week plus normal babysitting. She is at her wits end, loves the kids to death but can’t cope and wants to be a normal grandparent. The upshot is childcare is hard and grandparents are not always fit and able to provide childcare. Great if they can but you should always have a back up plan.

Do any of us realise how quickly our health will change until it happens? If we do what you suggest none of us would offer anything. Health is not a whim what an awful thing to say.

You are allowed to go back on an agreement you know? If it’s got too much …you don’t have to be a martyr and soldier on if it’s too much …..I’m sure OP isn’t such a bitch that she would say ‘fuck you’ to her parents in their hour of need because looking after kee kids got too much for them…..just as well your 70 year old mother was fit to run around after your kids eh …..just as well for her with your attitude