Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

I think you’re totally justified to be hurt and annoyed with your parents. There are two of them and your children are not babies. Unless there is some hidden illness it seems a bit wet to say they can’t cope for one day each week. Yes, small children can be hard work but usually grandparents love the opportunity to dote on their grandchildren.

I disagree. It must have been very difficult for the OP's parents to admit that they are no longer able to look after her kids. It's hard enough to come to terms with the limitations of aging without being guilt tripped about it. And yes, the OP's children are not babies, a two and four year old are MUCH harder to care for than a baby.

No, they're not babies - they're toddlers/preschoolers which is even harder.

It's really not "wet" to be approaching seventy and not capable of looking after two small, energetic children all day. That's a lot of work. My parents are a similar age and very fit and active (dad runs about 10k a day for example) but even he would struggle to look after two preschool kids for 9 hours straight.

You are not even 50 yet, you haven't got a clue how your energy levels will be at 55 never mind 70.

Sorry GPs are selfish 🤷‍♀️
No doubt they’ll expect all the care in the world from the OP when they are older 🙄

Ah ok it's granny bashing time.

Wow I'm shocked at all of these replies. There are two children but there are also two adults! In my opinion if you're fit and active and have all week to do whatever you want then there is just a level of laziness to it and not wanting to put yourself out there for your children and grandchildren. My MIL helps us a lot but has a lot of boundaries, that's fine, but we do as much as we can back for her, helping her with fixing things, electronics, take her on holiday, drive her to appointments, invite her over for a takeaway, things like that, as we are so grateful to her. If one day she said no more childcare then I'd probably stop helping her with those things and wouldn't make as much effort to take them round on the weekends. Yes that's bitter but having kids IS hard and when you have no village at all you can't really be putting yourself out for others anymore.

the mum is likely to be more susceptible to emotional manipulation, which is why i said listen to your dad.

But it is typical mn bullshit: shove it all on the women in your lives. It's nice to see (if this is the situation) a man stand up for his wife.

Your comments have given me the rage. I don’t know where to fucking start. Laziness? How bloody dare you. And your poor MIL, you’re very happy to take advantage of her but the minute she’s no longer available, you drop her. Nice.

@Brefugee

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I don't believe in poor weak women susceptible to emotional manipulation who cannot communicate directly with their daughters 😄

how very transactional.
But as pp said i can see we've reached the granny bashing (ageist) part of the thread.

well you know maybe she's a bit like that poor MIL the pp just described: petrified an ungrateful daughter will cut down her GC time.

Get over yourself. We see thread after thread after thread in this forum from women who can't say no to anyone. it is not beyond the bounds of belief (and yet not 100% the case, we don't know) that this mum is one of those.

I feel we may have strayed from my point somewhat. I wouldn’t deny my parents anything and do help them where I can. We’re a family. But it does raise something else. The sense of a village when raising kids. To me, that includes extended family. Their help is so important but most seem to think going it alone is better, to not be a burden even if struggling. This thread has made me a bit sad tbh.

This.

To all those thinking the GPs are 'selfish' or 'lazy' get a grip of yourself. You've no IDEA how you might struggle with energy at this age. If you're not menopausal yet, I suggest you read some of the boards - and see what a lot of women discover to their surprise and horror when they suddenly find they are constantly tired, unable to sleep, and have half the energy and resilience they used to have.

Have a read of threads full of people looking with horror at the fact that they know they won't be able to continue working til the age of 68, or 70. That they are already struggling and overwhelmed.

And then think about whether it might be tiring to have a 4 year old and 2 year old for the day at this point.

I had 4 under 5s in my mid/late 20s. I had no help, but I was young, energetic and fit. I am around 60 now and couldn't do a day with toddlers without being utterly shattered and feeling ill.

@Brefugee

I find these kind of speculative conversations not very pragmatic- would've, could've, should've.My advice to the OP is: talk to your mother. Overanalysing what her mum may be thinking is pointless. Reality check is for her one phonecall away.

@Koptforitagain @Jennaveeve @JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything

I would temporarily 'drop her', yes. I have four children all under 6, two heavily disabled parents I care for and my husband and I both work long hours. If she no longer helped us I physically wouldn't be able to be there because I'm stretched so thinly by six people who already need my help, and then I'd have to do even more. We're so quick to call people users when sometimes in life you have to just survive. If my mother-in-law couldn't give up one day a week, where she looks after one child (she won't have more than one at a time - absolutely fine), then I would no longer have the remit to do all the many things I do for her in return because I need to prioritise my children and my disabled parents. I'm not sure why we are always feeling sorry for older people who probably have a lot more money than our generation because they won't give up one day of their retirement a week - meanwhile the younger generations are working more hours than god made trying to desperately keep a roof over our heads, we probably won't even have a retirement, and then we are called users!

... and one day they may need your help but they are still relatively ok and don't know it.
<hug>

@Brefugee meant to include you in my last response. Yes sadly I have to make things transactional because I'm stretched so thinly. I hope it doesn't have to be like that forever. I do a lot of charity work and look after disabled parents. I've had to become hard-nosed because I've spent my whole life helping others and got very little in return.

But your "village" is getting older and not as able as they once were. I'm sure things would be different if they were five years younger, but I think expecting two almost 70 year olds to care for two toddlers all day is too much.

Yes, they offered but I sometimes think we have a responsibility to say to our parents "no, I can't expect you to do that" and make alternative arrangements.

I think it is selfish to expect grandparents to put their own health and perhaps the safety of the children they are minding at risk to save the parents money.

Such a relief to hear someone who doesn't assume everyone of a certain age is going to feel the same. I often get a shock when I realise I'm 70, I don't really feel any different to when I was 34. Actually thinking about it I was going through a divorce and bringing up teenagers when I was 34 and I was bloody shattered so I take it back, I feel loads better with loads more energy than when I was 34. There's hope for you yet!

Fuck me….are you for real? 🙄

@jessnoah 4 children under 6 is ridiculous though. No one needs to have that many children that close together. If you make that choice you can’t then complain you are stretched thin!

you Are not getting it are you? …,,your parents are old……too old to commit to regular childcare…..I do half a day a week at 59 and it’s hard ….and mine are 9 and 5 …..they can still be around for weekends and holidays on an adhoc basis…… find yourself another village…..doesn’t have to be parents