Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

Would they do two afternoons instead? If your nursery offers half days.

I would have a chat with them and ask if they would be willing to do it until September, when your eldest starts school. The most they can say is no.

Ps - my Parents/in laws don't help me, mine all went to Nursery. But in your situation, I would just ask for a few more months of help. They may be absolutely fine with that. Especially during warmer months, kids can play outside more/get to the beach more.

From September, your youngest will get Free hours (15 or 30) so that may help you financially too.

I just read your clarification, It does seem like OP moved. down for the childcare. In any case the first paragraph applies.
Circumstances change in life.

I can understand your disappointment. They are older so will tire more easily but they are retired and do have the evening and the rest of the week to rest and like you say, they seem to have active lives including playing golf. Being a full time working parent with very little / no help is utterly exhausting. You have most likely been on the go for years now, including two pregnancies in close succession. If they are still wanting to help, is there anything else that they can do to help you? Cook meals for your freezer, gardening, cleaning etc? Perhaps they could pick up from nursery and give them dinner while you do essential chores at home?

Talk to your mum. Men are detached from reality.

I think twice a week 1/2 day would be much better than 1 day.

Having said that my mum retired at the age of 72, moved to UK and helped me raise my son. Now she is 83 and still is doing maths with my son. She has a brilliant mind. Retired doctor. Doesn't play golf. Does the crosswords.

What about the other parents?

Btw, just to cheer you up. The little one will have 30h free care from the age of 3 and the older one is about to go to school where there is care even up to 6pm

Just a little little bit more...

I’ve reported this post. I never asked or expected anything. I was offered. Would you have turned your parents down then if they had offered to help you? You are personally attacking me and anyone who has had a whiff of family support in the pre school years. It’s vile tbh.

no don't shove it all on your mum. It is possible (i don't know OPs parents but i know other GPs who look after kids where this was the thing) that her mum is doing most of the work, and is exhausted but too worried about what her daughter might say if she said "sorry, no more". Then her husband steps in to help by saying "it is too much we're exhausted"

You will get flamed as many of us haven’t had a single minute of help since our children were born

This with bells on

They didn't. OP said her parents offered the day a week only one day before they moved. Which means the move had been planned independently of that offer.

Sorry, I misunderstood the post where she said, "My parents did offer the day before we moved, yes"

to those saying ‘your children, your responsibility m of course that’s true but the nuclear family being everything unto itself is a weird, unnatural setup, and not reflective of the social, tribal animals that we are

I see families as a multi-generational entity, and even though I’m an older mum myself, so already thundering towards 50, I hope I’d offer to be there for any DGC I might be lucky to have.

70 is not old at all.

So you have my sympathy OP. Esp as you uprooted your life to let your DC grow up near their DGPs!

*Talk to your mum. Men are detached from reality.

I think twice a week 1/2 day would be much better than 1 day.*

I find that the men in my life are in fact more in touch with reality, they seem to be more capable of separating reality from emotion.

I doubt the OP's mother will find a half day twice a week better than one full day a week. It would be best to accept the parents' assessment of their own capabilities rather than trying to maneuver them into what suits the OP.

@Theroadnottravelled I'm sorry, it's a shit situation that many working parents are familiar with. We all hope for excellent, involved grandparents for our kids but don't always get them. Equally grandparents probably often like an idea in principle but in practice find out they are actually older and more tired than they thought they were, perhaps also with a bit of that retired person's failure to appreciate that everyone else's lives are not as flexible as theirs, and so they let you down. The problem is we are all under so much pressure now which really is a societal failure - having to have two parents in work in order to survive whilst paying exorbitant childcare costs is not good for anyone, not least the kids.

I think a lot of people wouldn't move for the sake of one day of childcare tbh.

OP you’re not awful as a mu or daughter, and if my PP above was one of the ones that made you feel that way, I am really sorry. New HRT not kicked in and I’m ND and have a headache, so if my tone was harsh I sincerely apologise. I should have been better.

However, the message is not dissimilar - the impacts of aging happen in sudden bursts, rather than a gradual decline I’ve noticed. Sudden drop myself post menopause, a very sudden decline in my PiLs on turning 80. I still have ND teens at home and have been stunned by how quick I can be to tire or become irritated - and I was a Guider/scout leader/ran an after school childcare business. I love kids! But my energy levels and patience fade quickly some days. It’s not surprising your parents underestimated this. And not surprising, as you are young and juggling a career, that this wouldn’t occur to you as a strong likelihood.

My kids massively benefitted from having a relationship with their GPs and being able to see them regularly is great for both parties, so moving for all of you was a lovely thing to do.

Is it possible for your parents to continue having ‘responsibility’ for the kids for a little longer, but hire a local student to work as a mothers help on that day so that they just need to be present, serve up lunch, but the student could help and play with them etc? As the older one will be off to school soon, it would be a temporary fix and you would be able to afford to pop the younger one in for 5 days at that point?

70 is old when it comes to child care…..it’s fucking exhausting looking after grandkids and I’m just 59…..they done what they can…and now they can’t .
and OP didn’t uproot her life to be near them🙄

Words fail me..

that is exactly why I said "Talk to your mum". To learn more.

You really didn't get 'hate'. Why can't you just respect your parents' feelings on the matter? You don't really know how tiring it is for them, although you say you respect their decision why start the thread and ask for empathy? So many people have no help, have children with special needs, don't have living parents. You're coming across as very self-absorbed.

@disaggregate she is respecting their decision - she's contacted the nursery to sort out the day they originally offered to cover. She's just venting here.

As one of those people you mentioned with no living parents, I don't think she's self absorbed at all. She's a bit miffed, and she's getting her feelings out. Nothing more.

I'm late forties and look after my GDD one day a week. She is 16 months, and I'm knackered by the end of the day! Maybe it's different as I work the other four days and am not retired, but I can't imagine looking after two preschoolers in twenty+ years time and not finding it too tiring.

I'm 54. I think 70 is pretty damn old, particularly to look after DCs age 2 and 4 for a full day.

My friend’s mum had a 2 year old when she was 54 (couple of decades ago now). Agree you can’t really lump everyone of one age together, I’m 34 and fucking shattered, I feel about 70. Whereas some 70 year olds I’m sure feel 34 😄

MsRosley" I hope the parents dont get wind of this ,they would be very hurt and angry" WTF ? The whole point of MN, is to vent to other Mums /anyone on here and get things off your chest .Otherwise she could blurt out to them how disappointed she is!