Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

I think they have done their dues. I would not dream obligating my parents at age 70 with this. Not because assuming they are unfit, but Because at age 70 I would want them to be enjoying life and doing whatever they wanted. Taking care of tiny children is not an honour or privilege as some seem to think, it's hard hard work and exhausting. I'm 42 with an 18mo and there is no way I'm taking care of GC when the time comes. I'm worn out now, I won't be doing that at age 70. Op what was your childcare plans when you had children??

I've already suggested two afternoons perhaps instead but they said no, it’s too much of a commitment. I’ve messaged the nursery about the girls doing an extra half session a week as well as the costs of putting them in the whole extra day, so both attending 5 days a week. I suspect the latter as half a days childcare is great but not really worth it and more of a faff all round. I had no idea that my post would cause such a response tbh.

OP, did you move because of the free childcare or was that just an additional incentive?

Did you want to move down or were you pushed into it by your parents as it was their wish?

One of these days you’re going to be a grandmother. I worked out years ago why it’s exhausting. You are on constant alert, you just can’t relax as you did with your own children. I speak from both perspectives.

Bit of both. I wouldn’t have moved specifically to their area if not for the childcare but always wanted to return to the south coast eventually. My parents don’t live where we grew up but not too far. I just wish I could afford to work part time as that would resolve this (and I wouldn’t have needed any help in the first place)

I'm a young grandmother at 53. My youngest 2 dc are 17 and 12 so still at home.

I've just looked ater 4 x dgc (16, 14, 10 and 6), picking them up from school on Friday until I dropped them off to school this morning. I am absolutely shattered!! I've loved every minute of being with them, but I am genuinely exhuasted. I'm in work, but could easily fall asleep at my desk.....

So please don't underestimate just how tiring this must be for your parents. I get that it's inconvenient both time and money-wise, but somehow you just get throught it!!

Does anyone know if you can block posters on here? It’s the same posters who take over every thread with mindless waffle. It’s extremely boring 🥱

Anyway OP your parents have provided child care for your LO’s for a year. Whether you believe them to be in great health when they say they’re not isn’t really a matter for discussion. They’ve said they can no longer do it. You said your dad was very firm when he said it. Really your dc are your responsibility, so you have no choice than to make other childcare arrangements, regardless how annoying you find it.

This is why we said from the start that we were ad hoc carers plus emergencies. Good job too five grandchildren in four years from two families. It's a balance act to make sure both families get extra attention equally.

It's exhausting mentally especially the younger ones who move faster than us

Two 70 year olds being too knackered to watch two pre-schoolers, for a whole day?

Totally what I would have expected.

My parents were 50 & 55 when my first was born. They were 70 & 75 when my sisters last child was born.

Two entirely different kettles of fish. They tired so much faster in their 70's.

So, I know it's disappointing, but I really believe that they are too old for this type of support.

Hey OP,

I get how you’re feeling. We never had any help from GPs and it’s exhausting! Yes I know it was our choice to have children but I felt very hurt for a number of years that people sat by and watched me struggle.

Although now my children are at school and older my in laws find it much easier to help out / look after the kids. We’ve settled into a routine whereby they off a few consecutive days each holiday and it really really helps.

What I’m saying is that you’ll need support for many years to come and when children are at school maybe they will find picking up a day a week or a day in the holidays easier. That’s certainly been my experience.

Not to keep banging the drum about age, but you really don't always feel it creeping up on you. My mum is a good 15 years older than your parents, OP, and babysitting is no longer an issue. But we walked into her village and back the other day because "oh i always do it, it keeps me fit" but on the way back we had to keep stopping so she could have a rest. Totally overestimated what she could do, and pride/stubborn refusal to accept her limitations stopped her actually saying "it's a bit too much for me today".

I get it, i do over-stretch sometimes. But I'm 25 years younger than my mum so it's not yet a huge issue. Could be the same for your parents, OP, they totally overestimated their abilities, or things have crept up, or they underestimated how tiring it is. It's a shame but it's just one of life's hurdles

(btw: i haven't seen hate on here. I have seen some [justified?] eye rolling and some good points have been raised)

My DPs were 67 and 70 when DD was born. They looked after her one day a week until she started school. I only worked part-time, so she went into nursery two days. They loved having her (did lots of ad hoc care and over nighters too) and coped fine, but TWO small children would be a whole different kettle of fish. More than twice as tiring I’m sure! I’m in my 60s now and definitely wouldn’t fancy it.

As you are not nearly 70, you have no idea how tiring it is. Golf isn't as strenuous as looking after a 2 & 4 year old. YABVU.

they don't have to choose between golf (or any other activity they want to do, including just chilling at home) and providing childcare. They are retired and should do what they want. They have said they can't any more. So now OP needs to revise her plans. It's what thousands of other people do all the time.

My mother , who is a widow aged 70 used to do 4 1/2 days for my db and sil. That wold include taking to nursery, picker her up, getting her dressed and fed in the morning. Now that was taking the colossal p*

Nobody should expect childcare from their parents, but if they offered and that was a key reason for you moving I can understand why you feel frustrated. Maybe they don't realise the financial strain it puts you under? You really can't force this one, it's up to them how they feel and nobody else.

My beloved parents made it very clear from the start that they wouldn't be providing regular childcare to any grandchildren but still encouraged us to move closer to them so they could see more of the children. If they had helped out with childcare it would have made a big financial difference to us but it's their lives, and I've never resented it.

When our kids were young, we were absolutely broke. No offer of help from either set of GPs ever, and one set lived locally. Never occurred to me to resent it. Our kids, our problem - our parents had already done their stint.

Disappointed that your parents can't do a day do childcare

They are 70 and old

Playing golf is not the same as 10/12hrs care of full on care for toddlers

You decided to have children and up to you and dh to pay and care for them

Not sure what you earn but try uc for childcare costs

Well the move is done now but really (imo) GPs don't have to be next door or providing regular childcare for there to be a good relationship.

Are you happy where you are?

If not I'd consider a move if possible.

I hope to god your parents don't get wind of this post, OP. I imagine they would be very hurt and angry.

Hope nursery get back to you soon OP, and you can get start getting your head round your new costs and routine.

I agree, an extra full day in nursery would just be easier all round.

No help now I know; but it'll be summer before we now it, and then time for your eldest to start school and your finances will change again.

Circumstances change in life. What it was feasible for them a year ago, it is not feasible now.

Unless you got plenty of free childcare elsewhere, your moving down the South is kind of irrelevant. You move to stay close to them not to have free childcare.

Regarding the golf example, unless they are professionals, kids needs more attention, energy and require more responsibility than a day out enjoying a hobby.

I understand that you are frustrated because you need to get a new arrangement. But I think if they consider is too much is because it is too much.

Hello
This post had made it clear, even more clear why you moved, what GP's were offering and your stance, As people get older, it does get harder for many,

IMO, on almost every thread some FM's and their cliques will have a go at an OP just for the sake of it. Therefore, IMO, just ignore those and take guidance from those you feel meet your circumstances

IMO, I firmly believe you made a good move as come an emergency/urgent needs, your parents will be there for you and in turn, you for them

Wishing you easier and happy times ahead as kids grow older.

Take care