Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

Hello, we are getting a lot of reports about this thread so we just wanted to step in and ask posters to please refrain from the personal attacks as they go against our Talk guidelines.
Perhaps we could have a little more peace and love - Mumsnet primary aim is to make parents' lives easier after all, not more difficult.
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I don’t get the confusion here
@Whateveer is quite right.
OP did not have an offer of childcare and then on that basis decide to move near her parents.
She had already found a house to move to and sorted everything ( usually takes 3months, assuming she’s buying) and then just the day before she moves house her parents offer a day of childcare.
She didn’t make the decision to move because she had already agreed a days childcare, that offer came months later.

To be clear, my parents offered the childcare sometime before we moved. They were very keen to have us local (house hunted, looked at nurseries, all off their own wishes, not from me) and wanted a close relationship with their grandkids, whom they adore. I didn’t have a relationship with my GPs really because they lived so far away. I love my parents dearly, of course I respect their wishes. I’m still gutted through and wanted a vent about it. I’ve been shot down and made to feel like I’m an awful and selfish daughter and mother who should have said no in the first place and gone for 5 full days in nursery. It makes me sad.

I don't get why you don't get the confusion. At the very least the OP's line is ambiguous, not definitive the way you're reading it. Without OP clarifying, who can say that @Whateveer is quite right?

Equally the OP should be allowed to feel put out that they’ve backtracked especially seeing as there’s going to be one going to school in the not too distant future so the load is going to be lighter. Half day childcare is a PITA, so agreed the plan should be removing the GP completely (my childcare provider will prioritise full day places over half days, understandably) but I bet they moan about not seeing the GC…

Thanks for clarifying OP. I dont think you're bad and selfish at all, you were right to accept the initial offer. I think think now is the time to gracefully accept that they are struggling to keep it up, and that's ok.

Thanks for clarifying OP. Let's see if people apologise, I won't hold my breath.

OP has now clarified that the offer was not just a day before she moved as her earlier post.

It's a shame but young kids are exhausting and its not their job to do this. I disagree with the comment that it is expected if grandparents as at 60 most will still be working themselves.

@exomoon people don't need to apologise when the exact same sentence has 2 meanings, and now OP has clarified which meaning this one had. That's not something anyone needs to apologise for.

I think it's understandable that you are upset and resentful op, your parents ought to have taken things more seriously and thought carefully about what they were offering.
These are significant things which affect your day-to-day life and they shouldn't just chop and change on a whim. I think your parents should have had the wisdom and foresight to have known that they were offering more than they were going to be able to deliver.

Right so you get to call people ‘a total fool’ even though you were wrong?

My Dad was my childcare, he insisted. He was brilliant with the children. He got sick and sadly passed away very young. I though he would have seen them all the way through school, but I had to have a plan B from the start as anything can happen.

Your posts to people regardless of what that sentence meant were really off, I assume that's why some of your posts were deleted too 🤷‍♀️ I am not even responding to you anymore, you clearly have too much time on your hands.

Strictly, the OP's sentence had one meaning. Her sentence with a comma added, which she's now clarified is what she meant, had a different meaning.

I don't think people need to apologise for reading OP's sentence as posted, and not assuming that there was a mistake.

<this is why grammar is important>

I see how you feel put out .They have offered their time and energy ,and have found its become too much for them .Its annoying and a shock, but often older people underestimate looking after small children .A round of golf for a few hours is relaxing, and possibly followed by a drink in the bar with their friends .Small children need picking up ,put in cars/pushchairs played with at their level. All this is tiring anyway .Add in sore knees ,aching backs. and so forth and its not hard to see where they are coming from

well, you certainly stirred the hornets' nest, and maybe some replies are harsh but.
You have a responsible city job. You have children. Did you assume that they would remain babies forever, or when planning a family did you think a bit forward about what your (as a family) needs would be and how they would change as the DCs got older? (many of my friends didn't and were a bit shocked when plans suddenly didn't work any more because they had outgrown the situation)

I have never been the best mum in the world, but one thing we always did as a family was have a regular review - Oursurname Day was at least an annual thing, as the DCs grew up it involved a lot of Drunk Uno and so on - of what we were doing, where we were at, if it still suited us etc etc. It would involve things like: getting a mobile phone when they started secondary and not before, if they could invite friends over after school if we weren't there, if they could go out after school before coming home, changes to pocket money, changes to family responsibilities (who did the bins etc), when my job moved, how we would make sure to eat together at least 3 nights a week even though i had a hideous commute, when i studied on the OU what i was prepared to sacrifice etc etc etc

and you need to do the same thing with childcare, especially when it is elderly parents. now I've hit 60 i have really noticed some things that had been creeping up, that i had half an eye on, now need a whole eye and adjustments to what i take on. etc etc. So, yes, it's a bit of a shock, but surely it can't be a surprise that elderly people find growing children tiring?

My parents did offer the day before we moved

Definitely has 2 meanings. But I'm so over it, as I suspect most people are now. It's irrelevant, OP has clarified what she meant.

This is so true, we used to do it at the end of the summer we now do it at the end of the finacial year ( so just done) I agree that people do seem to have babies without due though and consideration of future changes ( SIL looking at you) , but I have always been a plotter and a planner.

You're not an awful daughter or a selfish mother. You have a lot on your plate. You had childcare sorted and now you don't. It is OK to be disappointed and thrown by that. These things are never set in stone and life changes as people age

I sympathise with you OP – you're not awful. Your set up is how hundreds of families make costs works without having to sacrifice every last penny. My mother used to have my twins for two days a week before Covid, and then one day a week after (affording twins in full time nursery is ... not possible for almost anyone). It was incredibly rough on her, then my dad's health suffered during Covid times and we took it down to one day afterwards by securing pay rises. School, in my experience, doesn't make things any easier – it's harder to find wrap around care and afterschool clubs are either not available, completely full and not tenable full time for children that young. So now we pay through the nose for a nanny and will be sacrificing that til secondary school most likely! Never ending!

It's not great it has become an expectation for the economy in general as it's just not workable, especially as people are retiring later and later. I have already made it known that I will not be providing regular weekly childcare for my children – I already know it just won't be feasible unless I win the lottery.

It sucks and I get it.

@Theroadnottravelled I can totally understand that them changing their minds is upsetting and awkward. They gave it a good go though, it's not like they did it for a couple of weeks then refused.

Would your parents maybe be willing to cover some of the school holidays? That could help going forward maybe. We don't live close enough to parents or in laws to have been involved with regular childcare but they have been happy to have dc to stay for a few days/week in the holidays (like maximum of once a year, not every school holiday). Dc enjoyed it too.

I do understand your disappointment and stress...but there is a discrepancy between you saying they offered and you saying you can't afford more nursery.

Have they said effective immediately or could they make it to September?
In September you will need wrap around care for school, and awkward "settling in" for several weeks at start of term ...plus holidays.
But your nursery bill will be less won't it? Will you get more free hours for the two Yr old?

Look at all your options including nursery now vs September, restructuring the time they gave the kids....could they do 2 afternoons a week instead of a full day? Do you need to look at a child minder?

Can you work from home on the day your parents usually look after the children so you can give your parents lunch and tea breaks? I get that it is very disappointing. I would be too.