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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be getting annoyed at son & partner!

116 replies

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 18:40

DS and his partner live with us as they are saving for a house. They’ve been with us close on 2 years now, until then DS was here on his own. Both 23. They’re both in good jobs and have saved up a really good deposit (over 50k) and are looking for a property up to £250k.

250k in this area would buy a really nicely done 2 bedroomed house (with change) or a 3 bed that might need a bit of cosmetic work.

All good so you’d think. But they’re SO fussy about what to buy.

They want a 3 bedroomed house, it must have plenty of parking. They don’t want new build but it mustn’t be over 50 yr old. They want everything done, they want to move into a show home house with large kitchen, all modern inside - rooms must be large.
They don’t want to live too close to us yet they want to be within 3 miles. They don’t want a bungalow or a dormer style house (ugly apparently).

Weve tried explaining that their on their budget they won’t get a large show home standard 3 bed. They will have to make do with decor that maybe isn’t their taste, carpets may need to be changed etc.

There’s a few on the market around us but there’s always an excuse, too small, windows need replacing, don’t like the carpets, too much decorating to do, not enough parking. Always something.

To be frank, we are ready for them to move out now, we charge a peanut ‘rent’ for them to be able to save but we struggle with 5 cars outside our house, huge fuel bills and food bills. Plus the cooking for 5, huge amount of washing etc as we (husband and I) tend to do it all just for ease.

Im getting close to giving them a bit of an ultimatum and a timeframe to find something as they need a kick up the backside. I’m feeling resentful as apart from working all they do is lay in bed, gaming, reading etc. DS partner in particular seems to find just working a full week tiring - the weekend is spent laying in bed! No cleaning, housework, cooking etc! Has anyone done this? It feels mean but I’ve had enough of having a houseful now.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 21/04/2024 18:42

Get them out.

kefirgiraffe · 21/04/2024 18:45

Give them a deadline.

And in the meantime, up the rent and set some ground rules FFS.

exomoon · 21/04/2024 18:48

Absolutely give them a deadline. They will never move about one as they have it so good and they’re taking the piss.

And stop cooking for them and doing their laundry.

One should vacuum the house, the other should do the bathrooms. On a rota with other dc.

WhiteLeopard · 21/04/2024 18:48

YANBU to firmly insist that they pull their weight around the house. I think they have to be the ones to make the decision on the house, but maybe if you stop making it so easy for them they'll stop being so fussy! They should definitely be doing their fair share of cooking and laundry.

Janpoppy · 21/04/2024 18:48

I can't see the problem with a timeframe for when they need to move out. They are adults and you've been very generous.

They can move into a rental when it is time to move out. It won't eat into what they have already saved, and again - they are adults and you have been very generous.

MoonRiverDancing · 21/04/2024 18:48

Now they have their deposit saved up, can’t they rent for a while if the right house isn’t on the market for them yet.

KnittingOnEmpty · 21/04/2024 18:49

Don't they offer to help with anything? Not surprised you're getting fed up, they sound a bit spoilt and a bit boring frankly. Don't they have any hobbies or sports?

You need to set a deadline and set out a list of weekend chores for them.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2024 18:57

I think you need a sit down talk with them where you say this isn't working for us anymore. We don't intend to run around after you cleaning up. You're old enough to buy a house so you are old enough to clean up after yourselves. While you are at it, tell them that they aren't contributing enough and they are costing you a fortune and they need to leave within three months. That should focus their minds.

Motnight · 21/04/2024 18:57

Agree with others. Give a deadline, explain that you can no longer afford to pay all the extra money that they are costing you and stick to it.

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:02

DS has hobbies, football etc. His partner appears to find a full time job in admin ‘enough’. I have to smile when I ask her about weekend plans she needs to ‘chill’ from her week at work. I’m 30 years older than her, DH 35 years older both of us working full time and we do everything.

Yes I’ve come to the end of my patience over the past few weeks. Spring means a few more houses have come onto the market and for every one I suggest they have to be cajoled into booking a viewing (there’s no urgency) and every time they find a problem with it.

Im going to tell DS, either shit or get off the pot - either he wants a house with her or not. DS definitely seems a bit afraid of the big commitment and the loss of the big pot of money that he won’t have the security of. But thats life and what adulthood brings

OP posts:
Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:06

They know we are comfortably off and can easily afford them to be there. It’s not the cost really, I’m just fed up of having a house full of people to think / cook for.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 21/04/2024 19:07

Their wish list is frankly ludicrous for first time buyers.

In fact our current house is the only one that needed no work, and this is house number 5.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2024 19:09

If she is so lazy and apathetic I would definitely be talking to your son about whether he wants a future with her. Hopefully that will spark a row and she will stomp off

crumblingschools · 21/04/2024 19:09

Stop doing anything for them, up the rent, put them on a chores rota and give them a timeframe

crumblingschools · 21/04/2024 19:11

@determinedtomakethiswork doesn’t sound like DS does much to help but finds time to do hobbies. His partner will be on here in a few years time to complain about him!

Whatsitcalled38 · 21/04/2024 19:12

"Right guys, you have enough for a deposit, we have been more than generous letting you stay here as long as you have. Now you're overstaying our generosity to get the perfect house. That's not why we agreed to let you stay and we feel a bit taken advantage of. You need to have an offer accepted on a house within 2 months or you need to start renting a place of your own until you find a house you want."

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:14

Feels shitty kicking your own son out though. I’ve always told both my kids they’d always have a home with us if needed.

OP posts:
PinotDragon · 21/04/2024 19:15

1 years notice and a significant rise on rent. You say they're paying peanuts so charge them actual rent as opposed to free loading. It's a lovely thing you've done for them and they're taking the piss. 1 year is plenty of time to find a suitable property and they'll get sick of paying big boy/girl rent soon enough.

Lassiata · 21/04/2024 19:16

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:14

Feels shitty kicking your own son out though. I’ve always told both my kids they’d always have a home with us if needed.

Needed and wanted are different things.

BrioLover · 21/04/2024 19:16

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:14

Feels shitty kicking your own son out though. I’ve always told both my kids they’d always have a home with us if needed.

But they don't need it. They have their deposit and good incomes. They can rent - you gave your DS a home in his time of 'need' (which was really a luxury, to be able to save for a deposit) and now they're taking the piss.

crumblingschools · 21/04/2024 19:17

@Facupsowhat if he never has to do chores, doesn’t pay rent, gets dinner on the table how long do you think he will be living with you? He needs to be pulling his weight

Workawayxx · 21/04/2024 19:17

Definitely say something, they’ll be there till they can buy a house outright at this rate! I think you also need to make things a bit less comfortable for them. Just don’t do their laundry - they can have a basket in their room and not your problem if they run out of clothes. Also meals, maybe agree a schedule and they cook some nights or at least some nights you just sort yourselves. They’re apparently saving for a mortgage but living the life of my 12 year old son (minus the actual job obvs).

Londonscallingme · 21/04/2024 19:17

You’ve been generous and supportive; a deadline is fine. If they can’t find something, they’ll have to rent (commercially).

NamingConundrum · 21/04/2024 19:17

They asked to stay while they get deposit. That's done. Now they can buy or move out and rent somewhere while they look for their house that doesn't exist.

Motomum23 · 21/04/2024 19:18

Don't kick them out then. But tell then you expect them to provide and cook every other meal. To do a full house clean every other weekend... basically 50% of the chores. Of course they don't want to move out they have a cleaner and cook on tap and no bills to find.

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