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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be getting annoyed at son & partner!

116 replies

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 18:40

DS and his partner live with us as they are saving for a house. They’ve been with us close on 2 years now, until then DS was here on his own. Both 23. They’re both in good jobs and have saved up a really good deposit (over 50k) and are looking for a property up to £250k.

250k in this area would buy a really nicely done 2 bedroomed house (with change) or a 3 bed that might need a bit of cosmetic work.

All good so you’d think. But they’re SO fussy about what to buy.

They want a 3 bedroomed house, it must have plenty of parking. They don’t want new build but it mustn’t be over 50 yr old. They want everything done, they want to move into a show home house with large kitchen, all modern inside - rooms must be large.
They don’t want to live too close to us yet they want to be within 3 miles. They don’t want a bungalow or a dormer style house (ugly apparently).

Weve tried explaining that their on their budget they won’t get a large show home standard 3 bed. They will have to make do with decor that maybe isn’t their taste, carpets may need to be changed etc.

There’s a few on the market around us but there’s always an excuse, too small, windows need replacing, don’t like the carpets, too much decorating to do, not enough parking. Always something.

To be frank, we are ready for them to move out now, we charge a peanut ‘rent’ for them to be able to save but we struggle with 5 cars outside our house, huge fuel bills and food bills. Plus the cooking for 5, huge amount of washing etc as we (husband and I) tend to do it all just for ease.

Im getting close to giving them a bit of an ultimatum and a timeframe to find something as they need a kick up the backside. I’m feeling resentful as apart from working all they do is lay in bed, gaming, reading etc. DS partner in particular seems to find just working a full week tiring - the weekend is spent laying in bed! No cleaning, housework, cooking etc! Has anyone done this? It feels mean but I’ve had enough of having a houseful now.

OP posts:
Indicateyourintentions · 21/04/2024 22:04

It doesn’t sound like they want to move out of their comfy, free hotel.

Tell them they have four weeks to find a rental and they can take as long as they like to find a house to buy.

Telling your children they’ll always have a home when needed is fine, BUT they don’t need your home anymore. They’ve achieved their goal and forgotten they now need to move out.

babysharksasleep · 21/04/2024 22:09

They've no incentive to leave. It sounds like they're lazy tbh and realise they've quite a cushy life as everything, right down to beds being changed is done for them. I'd bet money on their expectations / demands becoming realistic if you start charging a decent rent, plus share of utilities.

Testina · 21/04/2024 22:10

It’s laughable to complain about them being happy to be infantilised when it was you choosing to infantilising them 🤣
Come on!

Fair enough you want your space and I understand the frustration at wanting something unrealistic. But you’re just as to blame as they are for grown arse adults not cooking and clearing!

They are young to be buying together though. How many people really have a long term future when they got together at just 21? Have they saved an equal amount for the deposit? If it were my child I’d be trying to get to the bottom of whether this was really what they wanted to do, and probably encouraging them to rent together without using the deposit savings. And certainly protecting their deposit if it wasn’t saved equally.

mossylog · 21/04/2024 22:14

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2024 19:09

If she is so lazy and apathetic I would definitely be talking to your son about whether he wants a future with her. Hopefully that will spark a row and she will stomp off

This is such a bizarre and manipulative way of thinking.

She should do more in the house, agreed, but a lot of people genuinely find working full time an exhausting prospect. Humans never evolved to be in an office eight hours a day.

GridlockedKey · 21/04/2024 22:23

How long has you son been with his partner? 23 is still young to be committing to buying a house with a partner.

The fact they don't do chores is bad. Why would you let them behave like that? I'd find it irritating.

Noseybookworm · 21/04/2024 22:24

You have made a rod for your own back. Tell them that from now on they can shop and cook for themselves, do their own washing and do their fair share of chores/cleaning. You might find that suddenly they're much more motivated to get their own place!

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2024 22:29

It would really piss me off that they would spend all that money on takeaways but not on being independent. You really need to talk to them seriously about this.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2024 22:29

Do you think they are expecting to buy a house as nice as yours?

Janetsmug · 21/04/2024 22:47

'I’ve always told both my kids they’d always have a home with us if needed'

Thats the point, it isn't needed anymore, they have their deposit so there should be no reason they can't now save for a rental deposit/moving in costs and get tf out from under your feet! Your promise to them still stands, I'm sure if anything happens in the future and either DC need a place to stay you will welcome them with open arms while they get themselves sorted out but please don't let anyone make you feel guilty or unreasonable for wanting a bit of peace and freedom from being responsible for everything and everybody now Flowers

GingerPirate · 21/04/2024 22:54

I would "boot" them out, if you're fed up, OP.
This aside, and I don't mean to ask a stupid question, where in the UK can you get a 2- bed house or a 3- bed with cosmetic needs within their budget?
I married and moved here 25 years ago as a young "chicken", according to my dear elderly neighbour. Very "sought after" little city
20 odd miles from London. Really surprised.

Codlingmoths · 21/04/2024 22:56

He’s been clear- two us what to do. The answer is move out by x date, get into a rental and see if it gives you a dose of reality (plus might be good for them in case she really is super lazy!)

abeeabeeisafterme · 21/04/2024 22:57

I think they want with a build in maid, chef and cleaner. That's what they're used to. It's pretty ridiculous to have got yourselves into the position of parenting them like small children. Since none of the house to buy are good enough, I'd encourage them to rent for a while.

BIossomtoes · 21/04/2024 23:04

GingerPirate · 21/04/2024 22:54

I would "boot" them out, if you're fed up, OP.
This aside, and I don't mean to ask a stupid question, where in the UK can you get a 2- bed house or a 3- bed with cosmetic needs within their budget?
I married and moved here 25 years ago as a young "chicken", according to my dear elderly neighbour. Very "sought after" little city
20 odd miles from London. Really surprised.

Edited

This is the kind of thing you could get here - an hour by train from London. It’s a very long way from being the cheapest part of the country.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/141650858

Check out this 3 bedroom semi-detached house for sale on Rightmove

3 bedroom semi-detached house for sale in Derwent Close, Stukeley Meadows, Cambridgeshire., PE29 for £250,000. Marketed by Oliver James, Huntingdon

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/141650858

Notimeforaname · 21/04/2024 23:14

You said you hated having to cook and wash for them. You dont have to.
Your son said leave it to them..but then you said its not the point and they wont be able to eat that late. They can. Just stop?

Of course they need to get out soon but jesus stop making it more difficult for yourself.

OutOfTheHouse · 21/04/2024 23:17

Have they lived together at all before? They might find that they don’t do well living together, especially without the maid service.

OutOfTheHouse · 21/04/2024 23:18

And why is she living with you and not her own parents? If they want to live together then they need their own place.

Hankunamatata · 21/04/2024 23:19

Tell them when two years is up they have to rent somewhere. They have a good deposit saved. They can use the money they earn to rent a 1 bed flat

Snugglemonkey · 21/04/2024 23:21

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:14

Feels shitty kicking your own son out though. I’ve always told both my kids they’d always have a home with us if needed.

It is not needed. They have everything they need to move on.

Jewelanemone · 21/04/2024 23:32

Who's the fifth person?

Tourmalines · 21/04/2024 23:46

Jewelanemone · 21/04/2024 23:32

Who's the fifth person?

She has already said who it is .

ThinWomansBrain · 21/04/2024 23:58

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:14

Feels shitty kicking your own son out though. I’ve always told both my kids they’d always have a home with us if needed.

so just kick the dopey girlfriend out?
He's an adult - if he lives there he needs to contribute financially and physically - he isn't an 8 year old that needs his meals cooked and washing done - set up a rota for all household tasks.

Thevelvelletes · 22/04/2024 00:00

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:02

DS has hobbies, football etc. His partner appears to find a full time job in admin ‘enough’. I have to smile when I ask her about weekend plans she needs to ‘chill’ from her week at work. I’m 30 years older than her, DH 35 years older both of us working full time and we do everything.

Yes I’ve come to the end of my patience over the past few weeks. Spring means a few more houses have come onto the market and for every one I suggest they have to be cajoled into booking a viewing (there’s no urgency) and every time they find a problem with it.

Im going to tell DS, either shit or get off the pot - either he wants a house with her or not. DS definitely seems a bit afraid of the big commitment and the loss of the big pot of money that he won’t have the security of. But thats life and what adulthood brings

Edited

Oh they are in for a rude awakening once they get their own place time for them to get their heads out of the clouds.

Thevelvelletes · 22/04/2024 00:04

Rent first,buy later they may hate living together once the reality of running a home ... well hits home.🤔

ViciousCurrentBun · 22/04/2024 00:06

You need to change and have some rules. DS is the same age as your DS and his GF lives with us for almost half the week. He pays enough to cover their food roughly. I cook every day, I’m retired and they both work FT as does DH. But they clean up every time I cook and make the coffee. I never ever go in his room and they do all their own laundry.

We have just been away in Wales and when I returned the house was tidy and they had bought food for themselves and eaten a little out of the freezer. They are also saving for a deposit. Toughen up, DS knows if he was awful I just wouldn’t let him stay.

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/04/2024 01:06

Don't even give them 3 months to move out. They can find something to rent much quicker than that and this will give them some practice in living together and running a home. Just say that you are tired of living like this, even if they start to pull their weight you are still going to resent the lack of privacy. In fact, it's vital for your relationship with DS that he moves out before you lose all respect for him. Have a look at local rental properties and when tenancies are starting (many in my area are available immediately) and use that to guide how long to give them - one month should be adequate (the longer they prat around looking for the ideal property the less choice they'll have).