To be getting annoyed at son & partner!

[Facupsowhat]

DS and his partner live with us as they are saving for a house. They’ve been with us close on 2 years now, until then DS was here on his own. Both 23. They’re both in good jobs and have saved up a really good deposit (over 50k) and are looking for a property up to £250k.

250k in this area would buy a really nicely done 2 bedroomed house (with change) or a 3 bed that might need a bit of cosmetic work.

All good so you’d think. But they’re SO fussy about what to buy.

They want a 3 bedroomed house, it must have plenty of parking. They don’t want new build but it mustn’t be over 50 yr old. They want everything done, they want to move into a show home house with large kitchen, all modern inside - rooms must be large.
They don’t want to live too close to us yet they want to be within 3 miles. They don’t want a bungalow or a dormer style house (ugly apparently).

Weve tried explaining that their on their budget they won’t get a large show home standard 3 bed. They will have to make do with decor that maybe isn’t their taste, carpets may need to be changed etc.

There’s a few on the market around us but there’s always an excuse, too small, windows need replacing, don’t like the carpets, too much decorating to do, not enough parking. Always something.

To be frank, we are ready for them to move out now, we charge a peanut ‘rent’ for them to be able to save but we struggle with 5 cars outside our house, huge fuel bills and food bills. Plus the cooking for 5, huge amount of washing etc as we (husband and I) tend to do it all just for ease.

Im getting close to giving them a bit of an ultimatum and a timeframe to find something as they need a kick up the backside. I’m feeling resentful as apart from working all they do is lay in bed, gaming, reading etc. DS partner in particular seems to find just working a full week tiring - the weekend is spent laying in bed! No cleaning, housework, cooking etc! Has anyone done this? It feels mean but I’ve had enough of having a houseful now.

Give them a deadline to have found a house to purchase, or one to rent.

I think I'd say 1 September. Obviously if they are part way through buying at that point you may kindly decide to extend it, but I'd tell your DS that he and his partner need to move out by then, into a place of their own.

It's perfectly reasonable to want your own space back again.

Just buy food for you and DH. They can do their own shopping and cooking. You are enabling them. Have they lived away from home eg uni?

Took the words right out of my mouth. What pisstakers they are.

OP our jobs as parents is to bring up independent adults. Part of that is sometimes a few tough lessons and this is definitely one of them.

This is an "I love you and will always be here for you ...but xyz" conversations.

Some truths around their expectations and the impact on you etc plus a deadline.

Indeed. Have they actually lived together where its just them and not the cooking, cleaning, laundry and gardening fairies?

What happens when they buy and they can't afford a mortgage as well as takeaways and a cleaner?

Sounds like a few months renting might be good for them to check that they do actually want to live together.

I agree with a pp. Give them a deadline by which point they either have an offer accepted or they move into rental.

I don’t think you should feel at all guilty. I also think that you will always have room for your DS, but him and the girlfriend is a different matter and it doesn’t sound as though he’s committed to being in a grown up relationship and particularly because neither of them want to make an effort to take responsibility for the cooking and cleaning that comes with owning a house.

Time for some tough love I reckon.

But (and I'm saying this nicely!) you and your DH have done this to them by doing everything for them, it's crazy that they aren't hugely grateful and doing stuff for you eg alternate nights cooking, all the housework /laundry when you charge them peanuts for 'rent'. Stop! And tell them the next house they view, they're offering on!

Definitely tough love.

Dad and I are tired doing all of the housework, everyone living in the house must contribute. Here is a list of chores, pick 2 each, in addition everyone does their own washing/drying and everyone Cooks one meal per week. We are all adults and that means we all act like adults.

They'll never leave. Far too cosy there. Wait til they have their own place and have to cook/clean and pay bills!

There’s a difference between a child in need always having a place at home but this isn’t that situation. You need to give a firm deadline. Maybe they can move in with her parents instead?

Tell them you want a chat and ask what their actual plan is. Frankly, if I was the girlfriend, I'd be thoroughly ashamed with that attitude to life. It's DS' responsibility to tell DG she'll have to leave if they can't give you a moving out date. As for your DH changing their bed sheets

I'm all for helping family. I'm doing the same as you, for my 31 year old niece, (and her dog). But as well as working hard, and saving for a house deposit, she's learning to drive, studying and doing a little bit of travelling. I don't charge her rent, utilities, or fuel. She buys her own food and cooks for herself - I hate cooking. I do it with love, but I wouldn't let her take advantage.

It's not an easy thing for you to deal with, but do it before it gets out of hand.

They sound completely clueless. So stop enabling two adults to live like teenagers. I’m shocked you’re working and then running around after the cooking and cleaning,

The biggest favour you can do your son right now is to ask him to move out and rent with his lazy GF asap. I bet they don’t last to the end of the year together when the penny drops that they have to share housework and can’t find their dream house.

They BOTH need to learn to cook and clean very quickly if they’re thinking of buying a house. You only seem to focus on the Gf being tired after her full time admin job and doing no housework or cleaning, what about your precious DS does he do any housework cooking or cleaning? Or is he going to be one of the useless DHs on here who doesn’t know how to and is busy doing his hobbies while she’s learned how to do it all? Do them both a favour and make them share in chores/cooking/cleaning/washing etc.
if you feel bad kicking DS out then at least take this opportunity to have 4 adults in the house so you should only be doing 1/4th of adult responsibilities instead of 1/2.

Your first isn't your forever home normally, so they have to accept that not all boxes will be ticked. I agree with others that they need to just get on with it, their saving is your expenditure. Xx

Are you sure they're ready to make that big of a commitment to each other - 23 is still really young to be financially tying yourself up with another person. I think they should put away their savings, and rent for a few years together first

I don't think there is an issue with being choosy about where they live. It's a HUGE decision

Its also ok to give them a deadline. 3 months ..(12 weeks ) or theyll have to rent

I don’t imagine OP cares, she just wants her life and house back. Houses can be sold if it doesn’t work out.

Stop cooking for them. They can buy food and cook for1 themselves. They don't need to buy a house when they have a hotel with full services included.

Tell them they need to at least cover their costs ( which would be in the region of £3-400 pm each) and do a fair share of chores. The Partner particularly is being downright cheeky behaving like that in someone else’s house.
I do think 23 is quite young to be committing to buying a house with someone, and maybe DS isn’t ready for this step yet. How does he view the partner when they don’t want to do anything in the evening or weekends?
Living together in your house is a bit like playing at being adults, is DS even ready to be living with someone? I suspect he is not, and I wouldn’t want to push him into a more committed relationship than he is ready for.
Msybe you can suggest they rent a room in a house share. Even renting a flat together demands a commitment to pay rent for a year, irrespective of whether they split up.
I would be getting very tough with them both about them doing their fair share of chores, and also speak to DE alone to see where he sees this going.

That’s social media for you… creating these unrealistic lives that people think they can just have!

Tell them you’ve realised recently from their expectations that them living with you is going to be a long term arrangement so things are going to need change. Explain you’ll no longer be funding a cleaner for their room, you’ll be taking rent as a contribution to household bills and food costs, they’ll need to do their own washing and contribute to household chores. I’m sure they’ll very quickly arrange viewings.

Just had a blow up at DS as the latest house that has come up they don’t like as the kitchen is small.

It’s 15ft by 10ft and there’s a separate utility room!

They’re being ridiculous about their expectations of what they can get for their money.

I’ve told him, we’re tired, it’s time they got their own place, we’re tired of having a house full of people to have to run around after.

DS just says, tell us what to do and we’ll do it. Leave us to sort our own food etc but he’s missing the point.

We shouldn’t even be living in a house with 5 adults at this time (we have adult DD here too).

I just want space and peace and no people in and out all hours of the day. Limited washing, just cook easy things for me and DH.

I guess I’m just done with parenting now. Love them all but it’s time they went!

How old is DD?

21 and single. Short term contracts and is saving (not as hard as DS did though)
Once a permanent position comes up she’ll be wanting to move out and rent / possibly house share. She’s desperate to go.

DS just says, tell us what to do and we’ll do it.

Easy answer - get yourselves out of here by the end of September. Our kitchen is 13 x 13 in a house worth nearly three times their budget. They need to get real.