To be getting annoyed at son & partner!

[Facupsowhat]

DS and his partner live with us as they are saving for a house. They’ve been with us close on 2 years now, until then DS was here on his own. Both 23. They’re both in good jobs and have saved up a really good deposit (over 50k) and are looking for a property up to £250k.

250k in this area would buy a really nicely done 2 bedroomed house (with change) or a 3 bed that might need a bit of cosmetic work.

All good so you’d think. But they’re SO fussy about what to buy.

They want a 3 bedroomed house, it must have plenty of parking. They don’t want new build but it mustn’t be over 50 yr old. They want everything done, they want to move into a show home house with large kitchen, all modern inside - rooms must be large.
They don’t want to live too close to us yet they want to be within 3 miles. They don’t want a bungalow or a dormer style house (ugly apparently).

Weve tried explaining that their on their budget they won’t get a large show home standard 3 bed. They will have to make do with decor that maybe isn’t their taste, carpets may need to be changed etc.

There’s a few on the market around us but there’s always an excuse, too small, windows need replacing, don’t like the carpets, too much decorating to do, not enough parking. Always something.

To be frank, we are ready for them to move out now, we charge a peanut ‘rent’ for them to be able to save but we struggle with 5 cars outside our house, huge fuel bills and food bills. Plus the cooking for 5, huge amount of washing etc as we (husband and I) tend to do it all just for ease.

Im getting close to giving them a bit of an ultimatum and a timeframe to find something as they need a kick up the backside. I’m feeling resentful as apart from working all they do is lay in bed, gaming, reading etc. DS partner in particular seems to find just working a full week tiring - the weekend is spent laying in bed! No cleaning, housework, cooking etc! Has anyone done this? It feels mean but I’ve had enough of having a houseful now.

I'm in the NW and for 150k you could get this 3 bed

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/142255511#/?channel=RES_BUY

250k would get you a detached 3 bed

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/141063503#/?channel=RES_BUY

Erm, that's not a small kitchen, that's quite large by anyone's standards, especially with a separate utility room.

But I don't understand why you're cooking and washing for them.

Just do your laundry and let them do their's. Won't it be in their bedroom anyway? So don't even go looking for it. It doesn't exist as far as you're concerned.

Same with food. You say you just want to do easy food for you and DH. So do that, they can have the kitchen to make their's when you're done.

But I do wonder if the girlfriend is having a bit of a stand off with your DS? He's off doing hobbies and she doesn't see why she should be at home doing the cooking and washing.

She's seeing in action how his DM currently does everything for him and she doesn't want to end up in your position, especially if they have children and she's stuck at home with babies and laundry while he's off doing his Man Hobbies.

I agree with the deadline, it should be a definite deadline for them to move out - into rented accommodation if they can't buy within the deadline, but should also be reasonable. I would also talk to them about sharing the household tasks. Perhaps suggest they arrange and pay for a cleaner if they aren't willing to do it themselves. Ask them to do specific things, not necessarily housework related, but things that would help you. Going to get items from a shop you don't usually go to. Taking the car for its MOT. Organising and paying for a takeaway once a week - for you all. Dog-sitting (if you have a dog) while you go out. Putting up some shelves. Clearing out the shed. Planting up the hanging baskets. Hanging out the washing, and taking it in.

They need to get used to some household responsibilities before they have their own house - there is more to living in your own place than just paying the mortgage!

Husband and I are from generational poverty, how we did it was to buy the cheapest property available. This was only 12 years ago, I was 22 when we bought it. We had been together for 3 years when we'd bought it and previously lived in expensive private rentals. We didn't have any luxuries etc. It was the cheapest for many reasons, it was basically a wreck right down to rotten floor joists. We had to do everything ourselves with no help. We took a home improvement loan and learned from youtube what to do, paying trades where needed.

We then sold it when it was complete 3 years later as the street was dangerous to be honest and bought current house which is still an ongoing renovation in a safer area. We've done a lot but kitchen is ongoing project when money allows and bathroom hasn't been touched at all. So still no showhome living for us, maybe in the future???

So we've did 2 houses, no showhome living but been together now a long time.

In contrast we have known couples living lifestyle like you ds and partner, supportive and cocooned in from real life. Who don't rent, don't experience pressures, don't have to do the boring cleaning, meal planning, cooking, don't have to do a proper household budget and don't learn how each other works in those situations. And those couples have bought perfect houses, much fancier than what we've ever had and their relationships haven't lasted. We even knew one couple who'd been together years, got engaged, had fancy engagement party - both still lived with their own parents and lived like teenagers, going on weekend dates and holidays. So basically all the good stuff and no pressure. Bought an expensive property which took them ages to find as their wants were basically fancy and specific - I think they were separated within 6 months of living together. She left him and he stayed with it going back on market and sold. They both moved back in with parents and are still there now in their 30's. So only ever had 6 months of proper adult living.

I personally would discourage my child from buying a house with anyone until they have lived in private rental together for at least 1-2 years. Yes it's expensive but you learn a lot living with someone and seeing whether you can endure the responsibilities together and before entering into serious commitments like mortgages is worth the extra short term expense. For instance if your son felt his girlfriend wasn't for him once renting, he could move back in with you and have half the deposit and lesson learned and possible bullet dodged too. What's going to happen if he comes to you 6 months after buying saying he want's to separate, it's not as simple and more drawn out plus they will be linked financially via credit rating which will need to be detangled.

It sounds like your a great Mum, providing support that I hope to offer my child but I am wary the cushioned lifestyle could stunt emotional growth and responsibility. Where as growing up in generational poverty that cushioned lifestyle doesn't exist, in our cases we were basically on your own from teenage years, so by the time we got to our early 20's we had the responsible stuff handled and were ready to buy.

I'm not sure how I will navigate this being a Mum when my child is older, I want to provide support but not stunt personal growth/drive. It's tricky, you sound very nice and you have done so much but I think they don't understand how good they've got it, I don't imagine they are intentionally taking the piss but ultimately they are.

DS just says, tell us what to do and we’ll do it.

You need to move out and rent somewhere by the end of May.

DS just says, tell us what to do and we’ll do it.

'You're adults, start acting like it. Adults shouldn't need to have someone telling them what to do.'

You didn't commit to housing random girlfriends though. They need to go into a short term let before they buy a house I think as it may be an eye opener when they realise neither has it in them to do any cooking or cleaning!

It’s really refreshing to hear about people buying property the old fashioned way @GiantPigeon. Nearly almost everyone did that back in the dark ages.

Did you mean it though OP? Are you going to follow through?

OP why on earth would they want to move out? They get their meals cooked, shopping done, washing and ironing done!! Beds washed and remade! It’s crazy! with paying hardly anything too! You’re making it far too cushy for them OP. They will never move out unless you stop.

I would stop all washing and ironing immediately. I wouldn’t clean their room or pay the cleaner to clean it. I would inform them that their cooking days are (eg) Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I would also inform them that there is a new cleaning rota in place for the family to complete on Saturdays. Oh and I would up the rent

Put your house on the market. Tell them you are downsizing and there won’t be a bedroom for them.

This. And send them to the girlfriend’s parents’ house. They can stay with them for a change.

I bought a house with the wrong person. Took ages to get him out and then sell the place. It might be he doesn’t feel confident in financial commitment with her. I wouldn’t be encouraging him to buy to move out- I would encourage him to have a think about renting.

YABU to dictate what kind of property they buy.
YANBU to give a timeframe, YANBU to require a higher contribution to your household in financial and housework terms. I'm stunned it's taken you 2 years to ask your DS for this. While they should absolutely both help you out, I would put the onus more on him and give his partner slight benefit of the doubt. It can be uncomfortable knowing what the set-up is in someone else's house, maybe the partner ends up retreating to the bedroom trying to stay out of your way or something, or maybe your DS has outright said 'Nah no need to help, mum and dad love cooking' or something!

They are never going to leave unless you give them a serious move out date. In writing so they know you mean business. They have it really good and they know it. It's why they won't move out and have such high expectations which conveniently remove all affordable properties from further pursuit of interest.

This is seriously unhinged advice. Just have a conversation like adults and make clear your boundaries, don't do weird manipulative manouvering.