Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be getting annoyed at son & partner!

116 replies

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 18:40

DS and his partner live with us as they are saving for a house. They’ve been with us close on 2 years now, until then DS was here on his own. Both 23. They’re both in good jobs and have saved up a really good deposit (over 50k) and are looking for a property up to £250k.

250k in this area would buy a really nicely done 2 bedroomed house (with change) or a 3 bed that might need a bit of cosmetic work.

All good so you’d think. But they’re SO fussy about what to buy.

They want a 3 bedroomed house, it must have plenty of parking. They don’t want new build but it mustn’t be over 50 yr old. They want everything done, they want to move into a show home house with large kitchen, all modern inside - rooms must be large.
They don’t want to live too close to us yet they want to be within 3 miles. They don’t want a bungalow or a dormer style house (ugly apparently).

Weve tried explaining that their on their budget they won’t get a large show home standard 3 bed. They will have to make do with decor that maybe isn’t their taste, carpets may need to be changed etc.

There’s a few on the market around us but there’s always an excuse, too small, windows need replacing, don’t like the carpets, too much decorating to do, not enough parking. Always something.

To be frank, we are ready for them to move out now, we charge a peanut ‘rent’ for them to be able to save but we struggle with 5 cars outside our house, huge fuel bills and food bills. Plus the cooking for 5, huge amount of washing etc as we (husband and I) tend to do it all just for ease.

Im getting close to giving them a bit of an ultimatum and a timeframe to find something as they need a kick up the backside. I’m feeling resentful as apart from working all they do is lay in bed, gaming, reading etc. DS partner in particular seems to find just working a full week tiring - the weekend is spent laying in bed! No cleaning, housework, cooking etc! Has anyone done this? It feels mean but I’ve had enough of having a houseful now.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 21/04/2024 19:20

You can tell her to leave as you don't want the extra person any more. And you can charge your son rent if he wants to continue living with you.

Those are your terms. Lay them out and let your son decide whether to continue living with you or to move out with his gf.

Zooeyzo · 21/04/2024 19:27

Agree with previous poster- tell your son he can stay but his gf can't because it's too much. Where are her parents?

OhmygodDont · 21/04/2024 19:28

Up the rent. Now they have the deposit tell them since they don’t need to live with you just want to, the rent will now be “normal” even if you do end up giving some back or not. But stop making it so comfy for them. Focus their minds.

£100 rent is now £400. They cook once a week and whatever else they are not doing at all

Janpoppy · 21/04/2024 19:31

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 19:14

Feels shitty kicking your own son out though. I’ve always told both my kids they’d always have a home with us if needed.

You are actually letting him grow up by nudging him out of the nest. Sometimes you need to do this as a parent.

It sounds like they both have growing up to do. It may be better for them to rent together as their relationship might be quite different when they need to manage their own place.

Whatever happens, those decisions are not yours. Your son deserves independence to make his own choices and mistakes. It's the only way to grow self-confidence and self-esteem.

Jellyx · 21/04/2024 19:31

You're complaining but you've permitted them to do this for 2years.

Why didn't you have boundaries and charge a fair amount to begin with?

Anyway - you have a choice now. Advise it's been 2 years and you're now ready for them to move out and tough sh*t if it's to rent instead to buy.

Poshcatwithbigears · 21/04/2024 19:35

Well, done them a huge favour and they’ve achieved their aim of saving for a deposit.You've been very generous.

Yes, you offer a home to your kids “in time of need” ie when they’re down on their luck and need a roof over their head.

These 2 are taking the mick. They want to stay with you and save at your expense.

Give them a months notice prior to charging them “proper” rent so that you benefit too.

Giving you some extra money to spend on yourselves may make it more bearable having them around.You could use the money to go away on holiday more and generally treat yourselves.

And a chores rota for them so you can sit back with your feet up!!

They”ll probably get fed up and move into a rental first.

Cornwallinverness · 21/04/2024 19:37

Sorry, but you have enabled this situation.
We're no "groundrules" established prior to his partner moving in in relation to sharing of chores, food, cooking etc?

AhNowTed · 21/04/2024 19:37

A peppercorn rent, and a cook and cleaner thrown in.

Where do I sign?

Harvestfestivalknickers · 21/04/2024 19:38

Yep, tell son you're really pleased you've been able to support them getting their deposit together. Now they've got the deposit, GF can move home and DS can pay sensible rent. Might focus them on being a bit more realistic.

Elieza · 21/04/2024 19:42

They should be getting into the habit of doing chores. Otherwise how will they manage in their own home?!

Will you go round for a visit and end up tidying the kitchen, putting in two loads of washing as darling son doesn't have any clean shirts, and running round with the hoover?

Instead of spending quality time.
Nope. Sod that.

Get them told that you're not getting any younger. It's a lot of work and they need to start paying their way and pulling their weight.

Write a chores list up for the week ahead and see who is going to do what. They prob don't know what all even needs doing!

Charge them proper digs.
(And if you want to give them it or part of it back as a gift in due course you can but don't tell them that)

You will help them by showing how to work things out. Otherwise the woman will likely be expected to do everything the way you've been doing and the boy will do bog all and they will split up...

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2024 19:47

You've basically given them that 50 grand. If they had been living in a rental that would've been about 1000 a month which is 24,000 over two years. Then bills and a cleaner and housekeeper would've easily come to another 24,000 over two years. You have given them the deposit. Time for them to get off their backsides and find somewhere reasonable to live. In the meantime the rent needs to go up and they certainly need to do the cleaning. It's outrageous the way they are treating you.

isthewashingdryyet · 21/04/2024 20:03

They won’t be moving out until their kids are off to Uni, face it OP.

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 20:08

The only time their room gets cleaned is when the cleaner (that I pay for!) comes once a month. I do clean in the meantime but I don’t tough their room.

DH strips and changes their bed every week! It’s bloody ludicrous.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 21/04/2024 20:10

Stop doing their laundry for a start

crumblingschools · 21/04/2024 20:10

Charge them a proportion of the cleaner’s cost

BibbleandSqwauk · 21/04/2024 20:11

So stop doing it!! And yes, tell.them that they cook on alternate night from ingredients they buy. And they and you can alternate cleaning the bathroom, mowing the lawn etc. And they do their own washing. It might buck them up a bit.

11NigelTufnel · 21/04/2024 20:13

Is it that you think that he might regret buying with the girlfriend? If so have a chat with him when she isn't there to discuss what is going on. If not then it really is that they are faffing as your house is so nice that they know they won't achieve that in their first buy. We all have to start where our means allow, so it is time they learn that.

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 20:17

DH is so laid back he’s almost horizontal. He doesn’t see the harm in doing it for them, he likes to be busy.

Not the point though, I’ve just told him he has to stop, especially the bed changing, they can do that. And the ironing.

The cooking won’t work as I’m home far earlier than them so always make a start on the evening meal.

I can’t get my head around the fact that at their age they are happy to be infantilised. They have no autonomy over what they eat etc, they just walk in front work and it’s on the table.

Theyre stuck up in their room every evening, little privacy. You’d think they’d be desperate to get their own place

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 21/04/2024 20:19

So how are they going to eat when they live alone? They'll eat later. They need to start practising.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 21/04/2024 20:20

The problem is op their new house won't be ready staffed....

LoveWine123 · 21/04/2024 20:20

You should be pushing them out but to rent, not buy. Are you sure you want your son saddled with this particular partner? They should really practice living together and managing a household and their relationship without all the financial and physical support they are getting from you. Your son should think long and hard if this is the partner he wants to buy a house with. Renting will give them both time to make sure.

Marine30 · 21/04/2024 20:20

They sound rather precious. Whose first house was perfect? What happened to buying the worst house in the best street and then spending a few years doing it up.
Why oh why does anyone want their first home to be a clinical ‘show home’ that someone else has chosen and styled? Unless they are just stalling and have no true intentions to buy their own place?
YANBU - they need a reality check. Area first and anything else can be changed/improved.

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 20:23

I dread to think. We’ve been away on holiday and left a fridge full of food and it’s never touched.

Takeaways and frozen pizzas seem to be the order of the day during the week and maybe more of a scratch cooked meal on a weekend.

I think renting together might be a good shout. I think their in for a rude awakening

OP posts:
Lumpalicious · 21/04/2024 20:23

Facupsowhat · 21/04/2024 20:17

DH is so laid back he’s almost horizontal. He doesn’t see the harm in doing it for them, he likes to be busy.

Not the point though, I’ve just told him he has to stop, especially the bed changing, they can do that. And the ironing.

The cooking won’t work as I’m home far earlier than them so always make a start on the evening meal.

I can’t get my head around the fact that at their age they are happy to be infantilised. They have no autonomy over what they eat etc, they just walk in front work and it’s on the table.

Theyre stuck up in their room every evening, little privacy. You’d think they’d be desperate to get their own place

So get home earlier and cook for you and your DH only. Your son and his partner can sort their own food.

No need to be a martyr, it’s not helping them grow up.

Therealjudgejudy · 21/04/2024 20:24

You and your husband have enabled this pathetic behaviour.

Stop being a doormat and lay down boundaries and ground rules...