To wonder about the OP whose daughter had ASD and she was going zero tolerance any associated behaviour for the happiness of her other child, herself and husband.

[Shestolemyboyfriend]

I remember a poster who had a daughter with Autism and was having meltdowns due to beig overstimulated al lot of the time. I think there were issues around misophonia around eating , control over the TV etc and who could be in the room at any time. The OP decided that the needs of the few were outweighing the needs of the many and had decided she wasn't going to engage with any of the behaviour any more as it was making the rest of the family miserable. She had everyone divided but it sounded so hard for the whole family with a seemingly no win situation. I wonder how she fared and how it all panned out. I have a friend in a similar situation and she is doing the same with her son, after some kick back the dynamic is totally different. I just wondered how it worked for her.

Do you know what a meltdown is? It’s a neurological event, not bad behaviour.

Yes I do thank you and the difference between the two.

I don't think anyone is talking about "denying autistic people the one thing they enjoyed" but they do need to learn that they can't always do what helps them, regardless of the circumstances.

The word training might seem off, but I don't see it as any different to teaching neuro-typical children about table manners, or how to behave in restaurants etc.

Yes, you have to approach them differently and maybe use different techniques, but the general idea is the same. Children (autistic or otherwise) need to be taught how to behave in certain scenarios, and in autistic children, that includes dealing with sensory overwhelm or overload.

I say all that as an autistic adult who was taught how to handle scenarios that overwhelmed me as a child. It means that, as an adult, I can handle lots of scenarios that would have terrified me as a child or even a teenager, and it's made my life a lot easier. I'm also now confident enough to say when I'm overwhelmed and need space, whereas as a child I wouldn't be able to say that and would meltdown or shutdown as a result. I rarely need to do that these days.

I don't recall the thread. My DS wasn't diagnosed till he was 20, but I kind of assumed he was from his behaviours.

I think I had an easier time of it because he was an only child so I was able to parent in a way that suited him and didn't upset other siblings. He probably was indulged a bit more than he needed to have been, but my route through life was achieving what needed to be achieved in the least disruptive manner.

I was clear about what the needs and expectations were on any given day, but I didn't mind too much how we achieved them. I was quite happy to do things his way, as long as we achieved the overall aim. Whether that was a supermarket shop or a transatlantic flight!

I often said I do not know how I would have coped with a second child and meeting their needs as well. Must be very hard.

I don’t think I’ve used the word abusive here, forgive me if I’m wrong.

No, helping a dyslexic person learn to read isn’t abusive. ‘Zero tolerance’ of alternative ways of communicating would be. Insisting that they must read without adjustments they need such as coloured filters for Irlens, chunking information, dyslexia friendly fonts, etc and insisting that their refusal to read is ‘bad behaviour’ would be.

Insisting that someone with ADHD organise themselves and providing no accommodations, no visual prompts, no medication, no neuro-affirming coaching would be abusive, yes. If the person with adhd is overwhelmed, supporting them to organise themselves would be helpful, as long as it’s done in a way that supports their neurology, not works against it.

You also can’t do these things in a state of high arousal and sensory overload. A period of backing off on the reading / organising etc is likely to be necessary first if that person is already overloaded.

Of course, the people with dyslexia and ADHD might also experience sensory overload and meltdown / shutdown, those things aren’t just the preserve of autistic people.

I’m glad, because that really isn’t evident from your post.

That doesn’t sound like a success to me.

👏

I thought that this thread was based on the question of controlling behaviour within families and whether it was wrong to curb a child with ASD's desire to control their surroundings, including others in the family.

Perfectly put.

@fieldsofbutterflies yet you never see people talking about or referring to 'training' their children when they're NT, do you.

I think you're getting caught up in something that's largely irrelevant to the point people are trying to make. The word "training" wasn't meant offensively, the post was just badly worded.

"Teaching" is maybe less controversial but the overall meaning is the same.

The person who posted it was quite clear it was not badly worded.

Sounds good overall. But still a bit shitty for DD2. How is the sibling relationship?

This sounds very much like my dd but I don’t think it was my thread. My dd controls almost everything including what we watch in tv and what time I go to bed. She’s just turned 18 and although I love her dearly I am trying to get adult services to find her somewhere to live (residential setting) but sadly getting nowhere. Over the years she’s slowly taken control of many things, occasionally I can persuade her to let me watch something in the tv but mostly I have to watch what she wants to watch. I have probably not helped the situation by allowing her to do these things, I mainly do it for a easier life, it’s just me and her and it’s not easy especially when she has a meltdown and hurts herself. Over all dd is amazing, she’s not very verbal but she’s never violent, most of her meltdowns are emotional and she will try and harm herself rather than other people, she’s amazingly talented (art, music, maths) but she does like rigid routine which is why she likes to be in control of things such as the tv remote 😬.

Well, I personally didn't find it offensive.

My parents did "train" or teach me how to handle real life situations while simultaneously making allowances for my autism and I'm incredibly grateful for that. My life would be infinitely poorer without that confidence and self-belief.

Why not?

Thanks for posting this. My son is 12 and autistic. He also has ADHD. This is the approach we have taken. We have tried to teach him coping strategies, boundaries and how to manage sensory overload. He manages day to day life very well generally, has a lovely little group of friends, does very well in school and most important is happy. Unfortunately I have met children whose parents haven't taken this approach and the children seem to struggle much more in the long term.

@fieldsofbutterflies ok. I think it's patronising AF to refer to helping an autistic child cope as training. We'll have to agree to disagree.

Everyone is happy to make reasonable adjustments for someone in a wheelchair? Lol.

Using your own words, " Until you experience things for yourself, you have no idea what it’s like."

I referred to the person whom I quoted about 'training' an autistic child, what a shitty and inhumane way to talk about an autistic person. The behaviours mentione in OP were "control over the TV etc".

Really interesting thread OP.
My sibling is autistic (I would say on the severe end of the spectrum). They will never leave home or be independent etc.
However, my whole life has been pretty much dictated too by them and accommodating their needs. They have always come first- because in everyone's eyes they have had too. I now still put them first, willingly and have never really questioned it.

However, as the years have passed they control more and more. Not just me, but everyone around them. If I don't do as they want, I meet their wrath and the wrath of my parents. It's lonely and now I feel much like an outsider.

Now as an adult, my parents expect everyone to accommodate them as they have their whole life. I do truly believe they have just tried their best, but I don't honestly remember a time my sibling was told 'no' or that something wasn't socially acceptable etc.

You train a dog, not an autistic person. And I think you may be an example of one of the people who think "I am autistic and could do xyz, so everyone should be able to do it". It's a shame that the communituy itself has so very little udnerstanding of other people'sexperience, within the same community.

Teaching, directing, modelling, parenting, instructing, training, all words to explain what we as adults do to manage children's development and behaviour for them to help them come out into the adult world with the ability to cope and manage their lives ahead of them.

Methods and strategies will vary across cultures and across needs and of course for different age groups.

Ive already set out why training as a word is not an issue. Ive had lots of training in my life too

'control of the tv' is not ok to the detriment of others, particularly if others want to use it and then that use is denied with screaming or hitting or damaging items in the home.