adult DSS wants to borrow money

[queenofcruises]

when i met DH his children were all adults, I've never been involved in their upbringing or their care although during the early years of our relationship I helped DH financially supporting said children (a long and complicated story i shall not bore you with).

they all live away from home and have incomes either via paid jobs or benefits. His DSD (so his ex wifes child not his but he sees her and treats her as his own daughter and she calls him dad etc) is getting married at the weekend.

we receive a phone call from DSS number 1 stating that DSS number 2 (they are twins) has had a big bill, has no food and has £40 to last him until next friday and can dad lend DSS number 2 some money. (these are 30 year old adults). upon further questioning it turns out there is no big bill, DSS number 2 has simply been frivilous with his money.

we've had this alot over the years, DSS rings his dad asks for say £10. £20 upto £100 for blah blah blah, and dad just hands over the money, this causes an issue because its OUR money and i have not been consulted. if either of my 2 children asked me for money, i know my DH would be the first to ask why. (i might add that the last request was for £1000 and at the time we were told it was for rent, and when we visited we were greeted by a puppy which we jokingly said i assume this is the RENT you owed, and they laughed and said er yes).

anyway... i know i am rambling! DSS number 2 received a massive refund on some benefit or other, to the tune of about £500 a couple of weeks ago, yet now its all gone.

DH and i have had a discussion, and have agreed that DSS number 2 can borrow £50 which will need to be repaid when he gets his benefits(we dont need the money but its a principle thing) and that we will give him the cash at the wedding. (apprently he needs the money for drinks etc on the day). but I have also stated that this is the last time!

Apparently this is not good enough, the money has to be transfered into DSS number 1's bank account and he will then give it too DSS number 2?

BANK OF DAD is joint money, this lending/giving does not come from DH's bank account, it comes from the joint bank account.

obviously, we would help them financially or any other way if it was life threatening etc.. but these adults need to learn not to run to dad when they want a take away on a friday night?

AIBU in stating that BANK OF DAD is now closed! we will no longer be lending them 'the odd tenner' here and there. they have jobs or benefits, if they have not saved for this event its not really our problem!

the last request was for £1000 and at the time we were told it was for rent, and when we visited we were greeted by a puppy which we jokingly said i assume this is the RENT you owed, and they laughed and said er yes).

I wouldn’t consider lending them money after this.

I would consider separating your finances. Your DH can then do what he wants with his own finances without you subsidising either or his kids (who are taking the mickey and needs to stand on their own two feet).

Yeah I wouldn't have given anything after the puppy incident and would have made that clear

Stop letting them dictate how you give them money. If cash at the wedding isn't good enough then they get nothing.

God they sound pathetic.

YANBU.

You can decide this.

However your DH may not agree...

You need to separate your money. I'm sure you would like to spend your money either way you want to and I'm sure you partner does as well.

Who earns more out of both of you?

The dishonesty would really bother me, as well as the low-level scrounging.

The business about how the money needs to be transferred sets off alarm bells, too.

Have you got the grand spent on a puppy back? Are you sure it's DSS2 that wants the money, because why it has got to go via DSS1s bank account if that is the case.

You are being played by one or both of them OP and after the lies about the dog, I'd be splitting bank accounts and their father can continue to fund them if he wants, I wouldn't.

My adult children woukd need to be in dire straights before they asked me, as I would of my parents, although I can't imagine saying no.

However, I have noticed that my divorced male friends get asked a lot and never say no. Is this something to do with the guilt/blame they carry over the break up.

Anyway. Re the spending money for the wedding, I'd say £50 on the say takenitnor leave it. Any future requests will o by be considered for desperate situations and will be paid direct to the landlord/on a Tesco shop.

I don't think you can say never again and mean it because no parent is going to see their child on the street or hungry.

They are adults that need to make better financial decisions. We’ve had a similar issue with DSS who is in his 30’s. He recently asked his Dad to lend him money ( we aren’t wealthy nor do we have lots of spare cash) and then booked a trip to Disney amongst other things.
its up to you DP if he wants to help out but it’s not fair to expect to pay from joint finances

Separate your finances, it’s the only sensible thing when you have children who aren’t shared. If they were your DC I expect you’d want to support then so it’s understandable DH does. You can have a joint account for bills and joint spending and separate accounts with a fair share of what’s leftover for each of you. If DH then wants to help his DC with some of his, that’s up to him.

Have they ever repaid any money, if no, then I would only lend small amounts, knowing you aren’t going to see it again. Unfortunately though, you aren’t teaching them how to manage their money by keep lending.

the grand was finally re-paid yes. I do suspect that DSS 1 is at the root of this most recent request as he has been mentioning lately, he's suspended from work, they have a new baby and money is very tight for them.

DH takes whatever they say at face value, and yes he does carry lots of guilt about their upbringing (but thats a whole massive jeremy kyle episode).

We do have separate bank accounts, and previously DH just gave them what they asked for no questions asked, but i felt that DH was being taken advantage of especially after the 'rent' issue, so we agreed if any requests for money came again, we would discuss it between us and give/lend it together!

If his Dad wants to lend him money he's quite within his rights to. I wouldn't have someone tell me that I couldn't lend my DD a tenner. For whatever reason. Shared money is still part yours part his.

we would discuss it between us and give/lend it together!

How does that work though? dh would only discuss with you if he wants to lend the money. If you say no what happens? It essentially means you get to decide and dh is left needing to persuade you otherwise.

If he doesn't need to persuade you if he wants to lend the money, then he doesn't need to discuss, just inform.

I wouldn't let anyone take from me the decision to help my dc, from my own money, when I choose.

but i felt that DH was being taken advantage of

that is his choice, he is also an adult.

I think its more than a tenner here and there though. His step kids are taking absolute liberties as a partner I think OP has every right to be fed up of this.

I've never ever asked my mother to borrow money and I don't have a fancy job either.

i see what you mean.. by discuss give/lend for example, a new baby arrived, so we discussed how much we wanted to give to mum and dad, for the up coming wedding we discussed how much we wanted to give to the bridge an groom.

i know full well that if DSS asks for money, he will get it! the discussing is more about trying to make my DH more aware of the wool being pulled over his eyes.

If OP is fed up with it her issue is with her partners personality not his children (who are not her step children, she met him when they were adults)

If she doesn't like his personality, taking away is own decision making and controlling him when it comes to his own children is not the solution.

For what its worth I have never asked my parents for a penny either since I left home and if I did they would have told me I need to budget better. It doesn't mean I get to control how others choose to parent their children (adult or otherwise).

we are not talking just a tenner though, over the years we are talking thousands of pounds.

BUT

perhaps i do need to step back from it... and as long as its from HIS money and not OUR savings or JOINT/housekeeping account then i should leave him too it.

I'm still allowed to be annoyed that they will ask, i know that they will get the money and i know that the reasons given will be bullshit.. and they know that their asking will cause an arguement between me and my DH.

@BrokenWing let's be fair now! Don't project and run away with your own narrative. His kids are adults you seem to have missed the point. Why are they constantly borrowing money? They are adults indeed!

Just because that maybe the dynamics you have with your own parents... it doesn't make it correct.

i have 2 of my own children, they are also adults and they would not dream of coming to me and asking me to borrow 20 quid til tuesday! i did put this scenario too my DH, asking what he would say if they asked to borrow money, and his reply was 'i'd ask them why?, they both have jobs and they both have savings, it would need to be a pretty serious issue to give it too them?'

its not my problem his adult children are reckless with their money!

I am not projecting anything from my own parents, not sure where you see that. If anything, with my own money and my own dc I would be aligned with the OP and similar to my own parents as they taught me fierce financial independence.

But that is not what we are talking about. We are talking about if the OP has the right to exert control her dh's financial decisions with his own money and his own children. You marry someone with a family you need to accept they might sometimes make decisions with their family/children you do not always agree with.

Yeah just step back and leave him to do what he wants with his own money. Would you let him tell you you're not allowed to lend to your child?

@BrokenWing OP isn't controlling. Up until now she has floated along with DH. She's entitled to point out enough is enough that isn't controlling. It doesn't mean (in your words) that OP doesn't like her DH kids personalities nor her DH. What an odd take on things!

would you let your partner be taken advantage of?