adult DSS wants to borrow money

[queenofcruises]

when i met DH his children were all adults, I've never been involved in their upbringing or their care although during the early years of our relationship I helped DH financially supporting said children (a long and complicated story i shall not bore you with).

they all live away from home and have incomes either via paid jobs or benefits. His DSD (so his ex wifes child not his but he sees her and treats her as his own daughter and she calls him dad etc) is getting married at the weekend.

we receive a phone call from DSS number 1 stating that DSS number 2 (they are twins) has had a big bill, has no food and has £40 to last him until next friday and can dad lend DSS number 2 some money. (these are 30 year old adults). upon further questioning it turns out there is no big bill, DSS number 2 has simply been frivilous with his money.

we've had this alot over the years, DSS rings his dad asks for say £10. £20 upto £100 for blah blah blah, and dad just hands over the money, this causes an issue because its OUR money and i have not been consulted. if either of my 2 children asked me for money, i know my DH would be the first to ask why. (i might add that the last request was for £1000 and at the time we were told it was for rent, and when we visited we were greeted by a puppy which we jokingly said i assume this is the RENT you owed, and they laughed and said er yes).

anyway... i know i am rambling! DSS number 2 received a massive refund on some benefit or other, to the tune of about £500 a couple of weeks ago, yet now its all gone.

DH and i have had a discussion, and have agreed that DSS number 2 can borrow £50 which will need to be repaid when he gets his benefits(we dont need the money but its a principle thing) and that we will give him the cash at the wedding. (apprently he needs the money for drinks etc on the day). but I have also stated that this is the last time!

Apparently this is not good enough, the money has to be transfered into DSS number 1's bank account and he will then give it too DSS number 2?

BANK OF DAD is joint money, this lending/giving does not come from DH's bank account, it comes from the joint bank account.

obviously, we would help them financially or any other way if it was life threatening etc.. but these adults need to learn not to run to dad when they want a take away on a friday night?

AIBU in stating that BANK OF DAD is now closed! we will no longer be lending them 'the odd tenner' here and there. they have jobs or benefits, if they have not saved for this event its not really our problem!

That mentality would annoy me a lot. Why does it need to be serious to lend to your kids if they ever asked, but his can ask whenever and take the piss by lying?

I lend my adult kids money whenever they ask as it’s very rare and if they resort to asking me I know they need it. I also know they will pay it back. It sounds like your kids are more like mine and would only ask if they were desperate, so why does he think they should face more questions than his?

@Sweetheart7 correct.. i am just fed up of the lies and story telling! they know their dad is an easy touch for what ever reason and they take advantage of it.

to be honest i do not think there is a solution! if i leave DH too it, then they will continue to lie and deceive him to get the money.

at least if i monitor the requests, such as today, the inital request was that DSS2 had had to pay a big bill this week, had no food in the house and had £40 to live on til the end of next week.

DH took this at face value. I questioned what big bill DSS2 would have had that would have gobbled up the £500 benefit rebate he had not 2 weeks ago.

turns out there was no big bill! he has just squandered his money.. but by saying he had a big bill, Dad would feel sorry for him and give him cash no questions asked.

DSS still gets his £50, but he's also now told the truth! we have no idea why the money has to be paid into DSS1 bank account.. this will not be happening, the money will be given to DSS2 at the wedding!

DH is well aware that my 2 DD's have very good jobs, were always encouraged to save and have very recently inherited a substantial amount of cash when their dad passed away! even i would be asking why if they came to me for money!

I'd leave my partner to be a grown up making his own decisions, is there a reason you think he's not capable of making his own decisions?

I don't think anyone should be telling anyone else that they can't give their adult child £50 if they want to. The circumstances are immaterial to an extent, the issue is about having the autonomy to help if you as the parent choose, without needing your spouse's permission. I think you and your DH should separate your spending money and each have your own so he can gift his children from his money if he chooses.

no you are right, i shall leave my DH be, i suppose the upside to this is, that when his kids have bled him dry financially, then it will have to stop because there's no way they will get money from me for 'pets and takeaways'

thank you... and when DH no longer has any money to gift and he then dips into the joint savings... what do i do then?

If they are on benefits, is there a reason they are not working? If not, I would be tired of bailing them out.

If the savings are joint then you'd both have an equal say. If you couldnt agree then you'd have to do what any couple would have to do if they had a serious disagreement about spending. Divide the money up into yours and his, and each do as they chose with their share. When you marry at a later stage and you both have pre existing priorities then it's often the most sensible way to manage finances. Because whether you or anyone else thinks he shouldn't gift his children, provided he's using his share of the money, that has to be his decision.

just too lazy to work, no other reason!

I don’t think there’s another way to handle this, if it’s from his account and not yours, you don’t really need to know, purely to save you the stress. If he wants to enable his children in this way he’s a fool but he won’t stop so try and take a step back. As long as it doesn’t affect you in any way, ignorance is probably bliss.
I lend my ds a few quid here and there, but it is a loan and I get it back. It’s fine, but if he pulled the puppy stunt, I wouldn’t forgive him and he’d never get another penny.

Don't give that workshy waster another penny.

I think you and your partner should divide your finances a bit more and then it is up to your partner if he gives money to his dc.

I don't think it's wildly unusual to give bits of money to your dc. I was a similar age when my dm helped me afford baby things when I was pregnant and on a low wage. I imagine I'll still want to help out my own dc at that age.

I would have been furious after the puppy stunt, made it clear, and shut the bank tight shut right that moment.

Whining for money for a piss up at a wedding? Sell the puppy. He clearly can’t afford its upkeep.

Why hasn’t he got a job?

lol.. i agree 100% however it appears that its none of my buisness what my DH gives to his kids.

Yes, my M&D bought me a washing machine when I was pregnant they offered, I didn’t ask.

And I didn’t ask for a THOUSAND POUNDS pretending it was for rent and then spend it on a puppy.

DSS1 has just had a baby, we gave them a generous cash gift without being asked and we supplied lots of baby things.. i assume thats what normal parents do?

Step daughter who is getting married, we gave her a cash gift for the weeding, again even though we are not biological parents to her, its what parents do.

My own DC is pregnant and due soon, again we have given a cash gift, and bought baby goods, because that what parents do.

no issue with any of that... i guess my issue is the trivial lies being used to get cash from DH. but it seems its none of my business

So keep separate finances with your own savings and disposable monies, and he can enable his waster Ds to his heart’s content

indeed... certainly looks like the only solution

You could still dtate your opinion. He‘s enabling them and suppoting bad choices. Someone who doesn’t have £1000 shouldnt buy a dog. What about vet bills? Poor animal with those irresponsible owners!

You can discuss it but his money is his money. Unless he’s using money you earned, you don’t really get a say.

Presumably it’s only him going without if it’s not coming from your joint account or your account.

I’d tell DH that it’s to come out of his money and it must never come out of joint savings or you’re taking control if it.

The alternative is to tell DH that he needs to talk to them about their total inability to budget and their lying. Or you will, and it won’t be pretty. They would have learned that I was very angry over the deception over the puppy. I think I would have walked out of their house, to be honest, I can’t imagine mine carrying on like that.

This. I lend my adult kids money and every other form of parental support as and when they need it, and nobody, partner or not, would stop me from doing so. If you can't accept it then I suggest separate finances, that way you can ensure that any support offered has nothing to do with you.

i understand all of this, but i ask you, if your children lied to you about the need for the money, would you still give it regardless?

in the case of 'we need £1000 for the rent' which turned out to be a puppy? would you have been happy about the lie?

they still got and still get whatever money they ask for, i just prefer that they state the real reason for the need rather than a lie?

You can’t tell your husband what to do with his money. You can advise your husband to start saving for vet bills and for when he‘s older or gone and can‘t support them anymore because if he continues to support their bad choices/lazy work ethic it‘s kind of his fault that those „adults“ don‘t work and are irresponsible..