adult DSS wants to borrow money

[queenofcruises]

when i met DH his children were all adults, I've never been involved in their upbringing or their care although during the early years of our relationship I helped DH financially supporting said children (a long and complicated story i shall not bore you with).

they all live away from home and have incomes either via paid jobs or benefits. His DSD (so his ex wifes child not his but he sees her and treats her as his own daughter and she calls him dad etc) is getting married at the weekend.

we receive a phone call from DSS number 1 stating that DSS number 2 (they are twins) has had a big bill, has no food and has £40 to last him until next friday and can dad lend DSS number 2 some money. (these are 30 year old adults). upon further questioning it turns out there is no big bill, DSS number 2 has simply been frivilous with his money.

we've had this alot over the years, DSS rings his dad asks for say £10. £20 upto £100 for blah blah blah, and dad just hands over the money, this causes an issue because its OUR money and i have not been consulted. if either of my 2 children asked me for money, i know my DH would be the first to ask why. (i might add that the last request was for £1000 and at the time we were told it was for rent, and when we visited we were greeted by a puppy which we jokingly said i assume this is the RENT you owed, and they laughed and said er yes).

anyway... i know i am rambling! DSS number 2 received a massive refund on some benefit or other, to the tune of about £500 a couple of weeks ago, yet now its all gone.

DH and i have had a discussion, and have agreed that DSS number 2 can borrow £50 which will need to be repaid when he gets his benefits(we dont need the money but its a principle thing) and that we will give him the cash at the wedding. (apprently he needs the money for drinks etc on the day). but I have also stated that this is the last time!

Apparently this is not good enough, the money has to be transfered into DSS number 1's bank account and he will then give it too DSS number 2?

BANK OF DAD is joint money, this lending/giving does not come from DH's bank account, it comes from the joint bank account.

obviously, we would help them financially or any other way if it was life threatening etc.. but these adults need to learn not to run to dad when they want a take away on a friday night?

AIBU in stating that BANK OF DAD is now closed! we will no longer be lending them 'the odd tenner' here and there. they have jobs or benefits, if they have not saved for this event its not really our problem!

@queenofcruises oh that makes me mad. That poor dog.

How are they planning to pay for the vet bills for this litter of puppies?

I'd be ripping my hair out as well. Feckless idiots.

YANBU. My parents have gave me money to help out over the years, which has been enormously appreciated. Among other things, it helped me feed myself when living with a financially abusive husband. I'll happily help out my adult DC as needed. Learning to budget, save and work hard is a great thing but I think there's a balance between that and letting them genuinely struggle with affording the basics.

It doesn't sound like your DSS x 2 are actually struggling. One asking for the other is childish, demanding money NOW when offered in cash, without any info as to why, is ungrateful and lying so they could get £1k to spend on a puppy (which presumably they can't afford to keep) underlines that they're absolutely taking the P.

Exsctly.. to breed and sell puppies you need to first pay for vaccinations and check ups..

the puppy thing infuriates me more than the too lazy to work part. Not helpful sorry.

i also fail to understand why DSD wouldn‘t enjoy her wedding if her brother doesn’t have „spending money“ for alcohol?

Surely your DH must see that this is another BS excuse to borrow money, let alone the other twins involvement.

Deep down though, it‘s kind of nice that your DH problem is him being too nice, isn‘t it? He‘s a keeper, not a „you should leave him“ vote.

if i had my say he wouldn't get any money at all... not being able to buy at drink at his sisters wedding very much seems a him problem to me. i would assume, the fact that it has been asked for now and not on the day is because there was a need NOW, so probably a forgotten night out. We do know that DSS1 and his partner have a 30th birthday party to attend this evening, so i'm guessing the money was for that as they will hover around their dad all day at the wedding anyway expecting drinks to be bought for them. (usually when dad is required to buy drinks at an occasion, they turn up and annouce they are skint and then hang about dad all day, making it impossibe for dad not to buy a drink!)

This.

I'm confused @queenofcruises . Do his kids always pay the money back? If so, what is the problem, except for the hassle?

is their mother on the scene? Maybe she could put her hand in her pocket.

unknown! i never see any repayments go through the joing account. husband says they do, but i never see it.

its not the money thats an issue, its the lies behind the need for the money! like we need money for the rent, and then a puppy shows up!

i have learned, and am taking away from this threat that i will do 2 things. 1) hubby has been told that the ball is back in his court, if he wants to lend/give them money thats upto him, but he is not to use our joint account or our joint savings to do so.. the only time he can use the joint monies is after consultation with me. so he doesnt even need to tell me about it if he chooses not too, that way i wont get all stressed and angry and 2) if hubby does tell me about any future requests, and its for eg: a council tax bill, i will need to see that bill and if we agree to give/lend the money, it will be paid directly too the bill provider and not given to them and then they 'pay' it.

no! biological egg doner has not been on the scene for about 29 years!

Tell DH not to take any money for the kids out of the joint account or you're closing the account. If he does it again, close the account. Reorder your bills to work with separate accounts.

His kids are being utterly infantilised by this financial dependence and not helped at all by his enabling of their self infantilisation.

But that's his choice.

If he raised them alone then it's sort of doubly on him.

Part of raising children is teaching them to be independent and how to manage without you.

Your DSS have been deprived of a basic life skill. What will they do when your DH runs out of money, or dies, or is fed up with them? They haven't learned how to manage their money.

While I've no issue with helping out your kids - lord knows my parents helped me out sometimes and I help out my children in turn - it's the sheer entitledness of this pair that would bug me. A thousand fucking pounds for a dog - are they completely mad? The not working would bug the shit out of me too. He needs to get off his lazy arse and work for a living.

What is going to happen if the suspended one with the new baby loses his job? Is your DH going to be expected to bail him out long-term? He needs to be looking for another job PDQ, before he potentially has a sacking on his record.

You're not 'letting' him be taken advantage of - he's an adult who can decide for himself if he wants to give money to his adult children or not. As long as it's not your money, it's not your business!

Does your husband not have any money of his own?

I thought you had to be a registered dog breeder to sell puppies.

Isn't he ashamed of not working, the government should stop handing money to healthy adults who refuse to work. If I was his parent I would be shouting, you want money then get a job, and refuse to have anymore to do with it.

Wow re the dog. I agree the joint account is closed. It sounds like dss1’s job is seriously at risk too if he’s suspended, could your dh be more practically helpful with job hunting? Is dds2 not capable of working?

Everytime he gives a tenner, 20 quid etc to his children, then tell him you take the same amount to give your children. Why should your children be penalised for being responsible and not wasting cash they don't have to buy pets, fund nights out etc and pretending they want the money for rent?

Open an account in joint names you and your two adult kids and deposit the equivalent cash to what he gives his kids. It will turn to 1000s of pounds soon enough and is there for you / or at least accessible for your children. Don't tell him about the account, just tell him the cash given to the kids.

Also consider your will and share of assets to be written to your kids - your husband will otherwise spend all the money assets on his feckless offspring.

Wishing you all the best x

@Idkdy ... re the will, I have already done this!, purely because I'm worth more than he is and I'll be damned if my hard earned cash gets given to his boys

@AcheyBalzac ... yes, as I've said several times over...

The best way to deal with these requests for money is to turn the tables and see how they react, ' DSS1, your father and I have had a large bill this month we weren't expecting, it's going to be difficult for us to find the money, can you lend us x?'

@Harvestfestivalknickers Ha, can you imagine their reactions?! “Whaat, you haven’t got any money, why not? Who’s going to lend give us money now?”

Sorry are you a celebrity, should I know you? Or do you think everyone’s going to read 4 pages of comments and several mini essays from you before responding

@AcheyBalzac yes I think that is the expectation if you’re going to give advice or comment, it’s best to know what you're commenting on. Otherwise its just guess work surely

i did something similar recently.. there was a boys night out a stag do i think, money had been 'lent' to one DSS1 and DGH was buying the other DSS2 his drinks.

the following morning while doing the taxi run taking them all home, DSS1 recounted a story how DH was at the bar with him and the Groom, and that DH bought himself and the Groom a beer and didnt buy DSS1 a pint and the bar staff made comment that dad had not bought son a drink and that it was rude! (i dont believe this exchange actually happened)

so i mentioned.. how many drinks did you buy your dad that night? silence from the back of the car... you could hear his brain ticking away

finally he has nothing and comes back with... fair point! and kept quiet for the rest of the trip!

so i did get my point over... however DH was then angry at me for challenging him... i can't win

i do think it is expected for you to have a basic understanding of the topic before commenting