adult DSS wants to borrow money

[queenofcruises]

when i met DH his children were all adults, I've never been involved in their upbringing or their care although during the early years of our relationship I helped DH financially supporting said children (a long and complicated story i shall not bore you with).

they all live away from home and have incomes either via paid jobs or benefits. His DSD (so his ex wifes child not his but he sees her and treats her as his own daughter and she calls him dad etc) is getting married at the weekend.

we receive a phone call from DSS number 1 stating that DSS number 2 (they are twins) has had a big bill, has no food and has £40 to last him until next friday and can dad lend DSS number 2 some money. (these are 30 year old adults). upon further questioning it turns out there is no big bill, DSS number 2 has simply been frivilous with his money.

we've had this alot over the years, DSS rings his dad asks for say £10. £20 upto £100 for blah blah blah, and dad just hands over the money, this causes an issue because its OUR money and i have not been consulted. if either of my 2 children asked me for money, i know my DH would be the first to ask why. (i might add that the last request was for £1000 and at the time we were told it was for rent, and when we visited we were greeted by a puppy which we jokingly said i assume this is the RENT you owed, and they laughed and said er yes).

anyway... i know i am rambling! DSS number 2 received a massive refund on some benefit or other, to the tune of about £500 a couple of weeks ago, yet now its all gone.

DH and i have had a discussion, and have agreed that DSS number 2 can borrow £50 which will need to be repaid when he gets his benefits(we dont need the money but its a principle thing) and that we will give him the cash at the wedding. (apprently he needs the money for drinks etc on the day). but I have also stated that this is the last time!

Apparently this is not good enough, the money has to be transfered into DSS number 1's bank account and he will then give it too DSS number 2?

BANK OF DAD is joint money, this lending/giving does not come from DH's bank account, it comes from the joint bank account.

obviously, we would help them financially or any other way if it was life threatening etc.. but these adults need to learn not to run to dad when they want a take away on a friday night?

AIBU in stating that BANK OF DAD is now closed! we will no longer be lending them 'the odd tenner' here and there. they have jobs or benefits, if they have not saved for this event its not really our problem!

I don't think it's none of your business. I would be really annoyed about it as well. However, it sounds like the situation - ie them asking and your husband giving/lending - is unlikely to change. In which case the options are limited to 1. your husband funding the feckless bastards from his own money without your involvement, or 2. from your joint account in consultation with you. Both infuriating, but only you can decide which is easier to live with.

i do believe these are the only options. I have a real issue with lies, and i can smell one at 100 yards! its actually the lie that i have more issue with than the actual money! this arguement has been going on all day here at the house. DH knows why I'm angry, he knows that he should give his kids (lol i say kids, these people are 30 year olds!), a lecture and he knows that they are telling him Bullshit.. the issue is.. he won't! and thats what really boils my you know what!

He says he's backed into a corner with this one, if he doesnt give the son the £50, then the son won't be able to get a drink at the wedding and it will spoil his daughters day.

my theory is 'thats his sons problem'.

You cant say much to be fair without sounding like a witch but their father is setting them up to be losers all their life if they can laze about and then scrounge for help. This would drive me batty.

I bet you’d be asking out of concern though…

He has a cheek to say it would have to be something serious to lend your children when his can as whenever and for whatever.

DH knows why I'm angry, he knows that he should give his kids (lol i say kids, these people are 30 year olds!), a lecture and he knows that they are telling him Bullshit.. the issue is.. he won't! and thats what really boils my you know what!

Respectfully, this is a Your DH problem as much - if not more - than a lending money or lying problem. If he’s happy to continue to be a mug, that’s his lookout. You may not respect him for it - that’s the problem you need to deal with.

oh absolutely... i ask his kids 'why' just in case on the slim chance they have actually got themselves into trouble!

I'm confused. If you have separate bank accounts why are you paying half? Make DH pay it from his own bank account.

this is the bottom line yes... if he doesnt deal with it, they will continue to do it. I know.

and before people jump on me with the usual MN man bashing and you need to leave him blah blah blah..

this is not relationship ending... its frustrating and irratating, but i have not found an answer to how to deal with this..

I'm just lending my youngest DS £8900 for a car. His car engine blew up. The first thing he did was to set up a direct debit to repay me £400 pcm. I have occasionally let him borrow money over the years but only for essentials eg his car failed it's MOT and he needs it to get to work. He has always repaid me as quickly as he can. I also let my elder son borrow money when his gf's cat needed expensive vet treatment and she didn't have enough to pay for it. She pays him back each month and he pays it across to me. She doesn't know I let my DS borrow the money because she'd be embarrassed. It's almost repaid now. I would not be happy if my DH tried to stop me helping out my DC. I pay from my own bank account not the joint.

those are slightly different circumstances? infact very different circumstances.. you did not lend your youngest £1000 to clear a rent debt only to find they had spent it on a dog? it is unclear at this point if there ever was a rent debt? or if it was made up purely to get the money for the dog?

have you had requests for a tenner on a friday night for a 'bus pass to get to a job interview' only to find out the following day there was no buss pass and no job interview but a decent takeaway tea?

or £100 for whatever reason only to find out it was actually to pay for a new tattoo?

the list is endless

@queenofcruises pretty sure DSS are both thinking that a fool and his money are soon parted!!! your partner needs to get a grip of this. why is dss2 not asking himself? is it a case of dss1 actually needing a sub??

you do not need to be confused... we HAVE seperate bank accounts... initally it was paid from DH's account, but as these requests for money were happening at one point on an almost weekly basis, we had a conversation about this and we agreed that it would be a joint decision, hopefully on my part to put a stop to these demands and therefore the money came out of the JOINT account. if it was for a large sum i.e the £1000, then that came out of JOINT savings.

it would appear throughout the day by posts that this was a bad idea, and that i should stop financing these demands and make DH use his own money again.

DSS1 and 2 are twin brothers... for whatever reason and i cannot answer, DSS1 has control of DSS2's finances. DSS1 works but is currently suspended and they have just had a new baby. DSS2 does not work and lives on benefits.

We have suspected for a long time the DSS1 is misbehaving with DSS2's money but whenever we have asked the question, DSS2 has been happy with the arrangement.

i personally suspect DSS1 actually wants the money hence the request for it to be paid to DSS1 and that he would give it to DSS2.

DSS2 will receive cash at the weekend

OP YANBU! If you love someone you don't let them be taken advantage of even if the wasters are their own children.

If they really need to well they can sell the puppy. Don't give them any more.

You step sons like to lie, and your dh likes to be lied to. That is the long and the short of it. Lying is easier than 1) not asking for money and being independent and 2) leads to less discomfort than the truth “Im a spendthrift wastrel”

Your DH can’t face the reality that his sons are improvident spongers snd that he has zero moral suasion over them. So he prefers the lies so he can keep giving the money snd rescuing them rather than holding the line and feeling like he is persecuting them.

I don’t think its safe to leave him alone with the out of control gifting because they will drain him dry and he will come to you to be bailed out.

Separate finances and start a “mad money” fund that he can use to waste on them. But make it clear that he needs to keep a public record of the money that goes out to them. If they pay it back it can go back into his fund. If they don’t he has less money for himself snd his hobbies. Your joint expenses must not be touched and thst includes joint money for birthdays, holidays, mortgage, treats.

Otherwise your frugality will merely subsidize his profligacy.

I agree that you should stop “lending” (although it’s mainly giving) them any money out of your joint account.

Going forward, your DH can give his children money from his personal account. Obviously it’s his decision to make, but I’d warn him that he could find himself in financial difficulties if he drains his savings to prop them up. Ask him what he’ll do if his money starts running out.

Most of us would try to give our adult children money if they needed it, but we can’t impoverish ourselves doing it. That makes no sense!

Also: having just read your description of the two boys, your dh is allowing a very abusive situation to develop between DS1 and 2. DS1 sound like he is, basically, a charming sociopath who has lost his job because he did something wrong and is pilfering from his brother and you to keep his household afloat. This is sn untenable situation as your dh does not have enough money to support both boys long term. DS1 will resort to other easy marks eventually but this will not end well.

this actually brought a tear to my eye. My DH is a good man. Their life before me was very different. My DH has an excellent work ethic, and will help anyone in a crisis. His kids are his achielles heal! probably because of their childhood, and probably his, he simply cannot say no to them. he even knows that they are lying to him, and i will be blue in the face angry, yet he refuses to deal with it!

it is not relationship ending... its come close a few times, but its really not, but it is difficult to deal with especially as my own childred are at the other end of the spectrum, they are well educated (their choice), they worked jobs from 15 years old, they saved and still save, thave have good jobs, drive nice cars etc and non of it financed by me!

@queenofcruises If I was you, i really would be asking dss2 why his twin brother controls his money!!!

We have asked many times.. unfortunately they are both adults (30 this year) and they are both 'mentally' able if that makes sense. i assume the twins aspect comes into it, they are pretty inseperable.. ive considered an anon report too someone, although i dont know who? As they are adults we are not in a position to simply demand to know

Not the point of the thread, but it really bothers me when people like this take on a pet.

If you are absolutely skint and often foraging for £10 loans - then you have no business taking on a puppy who will need food and expensive veterinary care.

OP, you're getting a hard time here. Their behaviour would annoy anyone.

Does DH have a genuine reason to feel this guilty? Was he a bad father to them when they were young?

Sadly they're all going to food banks and then requesting pet food too. Total lack of responsibility.

there are reasons.. i wont go into them, and no he was not a bad or absent dad, he brought 3 boys up singlehandedly on his own when the twins were 1.

and i dont see it as a hard time, a lot of the comments are helpful and i ignore they downright silly ones anyway.

its helping me work through some stuff, cos all me and DH are doing is arguing about it all. so this is actually helping me deal with my stuff and hopefully someone will come online and offer a solution to the whole situation

although that will probably someone saying 'leave him' 😂

How does DSS being unable to have a drink at his sisters wedding spoil it for her?

She won't even notice if her brother is drinking water.

That's what happens- if you don't work, if you waste your benefits then you don't have SPARE money for non essentials like alcohol and puppies.

You'll be at the wedding anyway, so why transfer £50 now? If you're feeling generous, buy him a Prosecco for the toast on the night but don't give him cash.

I'd be asking to see 'bills' in the future as well. If there is a 'bill' then they can email it to your DH and he'll pay it directly.

ah yes but the dog cost £1000, they are going to let her have a litter... so the dog will basically pay for itself!!

yeah right! these are adults making adult choices... if we had known the money was for a dog, there is no way on this green earth we would have given them the money, but the sad fact is, the dog is here now