adult DSS wants to borrow money

[queenofcruises]

when i met DH his children were all adults, I've never been involved in their upbringing or their care although during the early years of our relationship I helped DH financially supporting said children (a long and complicated story i shall not bore you with).

they all live away from home and have incomes either via paid jobs or benefits. His DSD (so his ex wifes child not his but he sees her and treats her as his own daughter and she calls him dad etc) is getting married at the weekend.

we receive a phone call from DSS number 1 stating that DSS number 2 (they are twins) has had a big bill, has no food and has £40 to last him until next friday and can dad lend DSS number 2 some money. (these are 30 year old adults). upon further questioning it turns out there is no big bill, DSS number 2 has simply been frivilous with his money.

we've had this alot over the years, DSS rings his dad asks for say £10. £20 upto £100 for blah blah blah, and dad just hands over the money, this causes an issue because its OUR money and i have not been consulted. if either of my 2 children asked me for money, i know my DH would be the first to ask why. (i might add that the last request was for £1000 and at the time we were told it was for rent, and when we visited we were greeted by a puppy which we jokingly said i assume this is the RENT you owed, and they laughed and said er yes).

anyway... i know i am rambling! DSS number 2 received a massive refund on some benefit or other, to the tune of about £500 a couple of weeks ago, yet now its all gone.

DH and i have had a discussion, and have agreed that DSS number 2 can borrow £50 which will need to be repaid when he gets his benefits(we dont need the money but its a principle thing) and that we will give him the cash at the wedding. (apprently he needs the money for drinks etc on the day). but I have also stated that this is the last time!

Apparently this is not good enough, the money has to be transfered into DSS number 1's bank account and he will then give it too DSS number 2?

BANK OF DAD is joint money, this lending/giving does not come from DH's bank account, it comes from the joint bank account.

obviously, we would help them financially or any other way if it was life threatening etc.. but these adults need to learn not to run to dad when they want a take away on a friday night?

AIBU in stating that BANK OF DAD is now closed! we will no longer be lending them 'the odd tenner' here and there. they have jobs or benefits, if they have not saved for this event its not really our problem!

Its not a battle. Your DH likes to keep the boys childishly dependent on handouts. He pretends to object but clearly prefers it. He needs some help realizing he doesn’t have to always rescue them. But he likes the role and when you intervene you get cast as the persecutor in their little drama triangle.

I read your OP, I think that’s enough! Or are we being paid to be here and no one told me. FS 😂😂

you are very clearly here of your own violition.... and i assume you have no advise to offer whatsoever

Besides which my point was obviously that he should spend his own money on handouts to his kids, not a shared pot, so not sure what you’re getting snarky with me for!

oh i dunno maybe its just the attitude

so can i assume that you actually think the behaviour of his kids is fine? as long as DH uses his own money?

Ultimately a sensible parent would not give handouts, but adults are entitled to make stupid decisions. It's his money, if it ever became joint money you are entitled to refuse, but until then, you can talk to him but can't force him to do differently.

I think there a couple of options for you here, OP.

If you continue to lend them money jointly you could attach T&Cs to each loan, specifying exactly how and when the amount is paid back, and any default, for any reason, means they will never be loaned a penny again. This works well with my adults DCs who are both working students and often have cashflow issues. But I guess with mine that since this has been in place from the start it has always been The Law so there has been no kickback like you might get from your DSSs at such a change. Also your DH might not be on board with this.

Alternatively, you do what other PPs have suggested and have your DH lend them money from his own account. You'd first have to make it pretty clear to him though that when they have thoroughly rinsed him and he is broke, he can't come to you for money as the whole point of separating the loans is to prevent them rinsing you both out. Perhaps if he does reach the point where he has no money left, he might actually reflect on how he got there and who has all his money now.