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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking partners child is being dramatic

105 replies

LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:07

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. He has a daughter who's in her 20s, I have a son in his 30s. His daughter has 3 children (4 and twins 2), my son has 2 children (3 and 6)
When his daughter turned 18 he moved in with me, my son lives on the same street, she is in a village 20 minutes away.
We probably see my partners daughter 2 times a month, on months with no school holidays this will be more like 1. On the flip of that, I'm a school cook, term time and school hours only, so I do childcare for my son's children. Every October we take all of them on a caravan holiday, we pay it, all they have to cover is 3 nights of dinner and drinks etc. We cover accommodation and give them petrol money.
In the Easter holidays just gone we didn't get to see them. She was on holiday for a week of it, then the 2 days she asked to come down and see us, we were out or her dad was working.
We FaceTimed the kids last night and when she called them over the eldest said "I don't want to talk to grandpa I thought it was grandad (dad's dad)". My partner was a little upset by this which I think is fair. He messaged after saying he was upset and would come up and see them on Sunday.

His daughter decided to reply with "well it's no shock. They barley know you"

Her mum passed away few years ago but her partners parents are very involved, his mum works around their childcare needs. They have dinner together once a week and all live in the same village. They do Christmas with them every year never with us. Now my son is the same with us, we live near him so it makes sense.

My partner is now really hurt and has said we need to balance it out more and we shouldn't be seeing more of one set of grandkids than the other.

AIBU to think this is all very dramatic and it's fine to see the grandkids you live near more than the others?

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 19/04/2024 12:09

They live 20 minutes away, yes he could be seeing them a lot more often.
And it sounds like your son could do with cutting the umbilical cord tbh, the same street!

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 19/04/2024 12:10

You make it sound like she’s hundreds of miles away. She’s only 20 minutes away so yes you should see more of them.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2024 12:11

I think he needs to have a proper sit down with his daughter. It doesn’t sound “dramatic”: there’s obviously something wrong, if it isn’t just his adult daughter but his young grandchildren too who feel he doesn’t make much effort.

WaltzingWaters · 19/04/2024 12:12

20 minutes away is nothing, and yes, HE should be making more of an effort. He doesn’t always need you to be there though, so he can make plans to go round and see them without you.

WhiteLeopard · 19/04/2024 12:13

Your partner is right to think that it could be more balanced. However, he needs to facilitate this. It sounds like you see your son's family more often because you're the one organising it (not just because of the distance)? So if your partner wants the same he needs to make it happen. Is he expecting you to do it?

CrappySack · 19/04/2024 12:14

WhiteLeopard · 19/04/2024 12:13

Your partner is right to think that it could be more balanced. However, he needs to facilitate this. It sounds like you see your son's family more often because you're the one organising it (not just because of the distance)? So if your partner wants the same he needs to make it happen. Is he expecting you to do it?

This.

It's not your job to arrange his social life for him!

I think he's trying to blame you so he doesn't have to face that he's been a bit crap.

SabbatWheel · 19/04/2024 12:14

Yeah, the drama.
Who is limiting contact during no-holiday months, her or you guys?
Surely it’s fairly easy for her to arrange to drop in of an evening if she wanted her DC to have more contact?
Couldn’t be doing with all this. I saw my Granny once a year and she died when I was 10 so I saw her 10 times in total! Still loved her to bits.

Eloraa · 19/04/2024 12:16

It doesn’t sound like your DP cares about being very involved, unless he’s suggesting things and being rebuffed?

Ponoka7 · 19/04/2024 12:17

He should be balancing it out. You don't have to. He's doing what a lot if men do and favour the gf's DC/GC, usually because it's all arranged for him. She's being factual, not dramatic.

Sparklfairy · 19/04/2024 12:17

Does he ever bother seeing them on his own? Or is it always with you in tow?

This is on him, and I don't like his 'solution' much either. The way you've worded it, it sounds like he's saying you spend less time with your son's kids, rather than he spend more time with his daughter's kids?

MsMajeika · 19/04/2024 12:17

Does he ever go to them or is it always expected that they go to you?

TipsyKoala · 19/04/2024 12:18

When you said you were too busy to see her at Easter did you offer an alternative? Invite them round the following weekend? It does sound like your partner could make more effort. 20 minutes away is no distance at all.

Singleandproud · 19/04/2024 12:20

If he wants to develop a relationship he needs to fit around them rather than put more demands on their time if they are busy. So picking the children up from school, taking them to a club on a set day each week or getting involved in their sports and watching them play. Picking up a chippy tea on a Friday night etc.

ZipZapZoom · 19/04/2024 12:20

I don't think she's being dramatic at all and of course the kids don't really want to speak to him if they go so often without seeing him. It sounds very much like he should be making more of an effort, she's only 20 minutes down the road.

Original poster
LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:21

SabbatWheel · 19/04/2024 12:14

Yeah, the drama.
Who is limiting contact during no-holiday months, her or you guys?
Surely it’s fairly easy for her to arrange to drop in of an evening if she wanted her DC to have more contact?
Couldn’t be doing with all this. I saw my Granny once a year and she died when I was 10 so I saw her 10 times in total! Still loved her to bits.

Both for the non holiday months. We met up one Sunday a month, partners daughter takes her children to see his parents then we all go for a Sunday lunch.
In the holidays we always try to go up and see them or have them down for a day.

We don't do after school nights as, Wednesday they eat at her partners parents, the kids have clubs and his daughter says messing with the routine is bad for everyone.
Occasionally we will see them on a Saturday, if we take my sons kids up to see them or they bring theirs down but again they always seem to be on days out or with her partners family.

OP posts:
Zola1 · 19/04/2024 12:22

We live an hour from my Mum and see her probably once or twice a month but my daughter adores her Nan and now she's a teenager will just ring her for a chat etc, obv it's different when they're little but I don't think twice a month is particularly bad when everyone has busy families etc?

purpleme12 · 19/04/2024 12:23

I'm confused
Do you see them twice a month?
If so surely that's plenty?

Original poster
LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:24

purpleme12 · 19/04/2024 12:23

I'm confused
Do you see them twice a month?
If so surely that's plenty?

Most months yes, months like may and June where there isn't a long school holiday (Scotland) or September/November probably only once.

OP posts:
TheValueOfEverything · 19/04/2024 12:26

Yes, if you only live 20 minutes away, Grandpa should go and visit his grandchildren at least once a week. He should also try and get involved with their activities - eg taking them to swimming lessons, or picking up from an activity.

You don't need to do this so regularly, but he should - especially if he WANTS a relationship with these children. He has more time to go to them, than the other way around.

Singleandproud · 19/04/2024 12:27

When you see the children what does your partner do? Does he get involved? Play with them , take an interest, take them to the park or is he sort of in the background? Do they share an interest?
Perhaps it's more the quality that needs to improve not the quantity and then the children will be more enthused to talking to him.

ZipZapZoom · 19/04/2024 12:27

LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:24

Most months yes, months like may and June where there isn't a long school holiday (Scotland) or September/November probably only once.

Show quote history

So you see them approximately 20 times a year?

TheValueOfEverything · 19/04/2024 12:28

Sounds like the relationship between Grandpa and grandchildren is more a few mins interaction during a monthly Sunday lunch. Of course they won't be as close. He needs to think about how he wants this relationship to look, and if he wants it to be closer, how he can make it work. Onus is on him, not you, not the parents and definitely not the kids. Sounds like your rel'ship with your grandchildren is just fine.

purpleme12 · 19/04/2024 12:29

LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:24

Most months yes, months like may and June where there isn't a long school holiday (Scotland) or September/November probably only once.

Show quote history

So how she say that the children hardly know him then.

Perhaps the child was just being moody (in which I'd pull him up on it and tell him he can't do that as his mum) but I can't see how she can say you hardly see them from what you've said

Original poster
LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:30

Singleandproud · 19/04/2024 12:27

When you see the children what does your partner do? Does he get involved? Play with them , take an interest, take them to the park or is he sort of in the background? Do they share an interest?
Perhaps it's more the quality that needs to improve not the quantity and then the children will be more enthused to talking to him.

Well once a month we go to his parents for a few hours, usually his nieces and their children are also there so all the kids go through the bedrooms and play. Then we go for a Sunday lunch, so not much quality time happening there.
The other times he will get involved of course, plays with them etc.

We almost never have them alone, I'm not sure why to be honest. If they are having a night away they will get his parents to have the kids. The only time we've had them alone were when his parents were busy (so a wedding on that side and a funeral on that side).

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 19/04/2024 12:30

SabbatWheel · 19/04/2024 12:14

Yeah, the drama.
Who is limiting contact during no-holiday months, her or you guys?
Surely it’s fairly easy for her to arrange to drop in of an evening if she wanted her DC to have more contact?
Couldn’t be doing with all this. I saw my Granny once a year and she died when I was 10 so I saw her 10 times in total! Still loved her to bits.

It's easy to pack 3 toddlers into a car? Yeah ok. I think Grampa should be making more of an effort to go to her. Unless he has mobility issues it's much easier for him to go to her then for her to being 3 small children to him. That way their dinner times and other parts of their usual routine aren't as disrupted as they're in their own home.