Thinking partners child is being dramatic

[LindArt]

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. He has a daughter who's in her 20s, I have a son in his 30s. His daughter has 3 children (4 and twins 2), my son has 2 children (3 and 6)
When his daughter turned 18 he moved in with me, my son lives on the same street, she is in a village 20 minutes away.
We probably see my partners daughter 2 times a month, on months with no school holidays this will be more like 1. On the flip of that, I'm a school cook, term time and school hours only, so I do childcare for my son's children. Every October we take all of them on a caravan holiday, we pay it, all they have to cover is 3 nights of dinner and drinks etc. We cover accommodation and give them petrol money.
In the Easter holidays just gone we didn't get to see them. She was on holiday for a week of it, then the 2 days she asked to come down and see us, we were out or her dad was working.
We FaceTimed the kids last night and when she called them over the eldest said "I don't want to talk to grandpa I thought it was grandad (dad's dad)". My partner was a little upset by this which I think is fair. He messaged after saying he was upset and would come up and see them on Sunday.

His daughter decided to reply with "well it's no shock. They barley know you"

Her mum passed away few years ago but her partners parents are very involved, his mum works around their childcare needs. They have dinner together once a week and all live in the same village. They do Christmas with them every year never with us. Now my son is the same with us, we live near him so it makes sense.

My partner is now really hurt and has said we need to balance it out more and we shouldn't be seeing more of one set of grandkids than the other.

AIBU to think this is all very dramatic and it's fine to see the grandkids you live near more than the others?

Yes but she would never allow any of this.
The grandparents who are in the same village only get overnights maybe 1 night every other month, she doesn't like being away from them. We aren't allowed to visit on weekdays as it messes with the routine. Equally he has a job, he's a bus driver, working shifts, so wouldn't be able to commit to anything regular!

What he wants is for me to give up time with my grandchildren so it's more even or go with him on the weekend.

If the council house was signed over to her they weret living together when she was younger? How was their relationship before mum died? It sounds like this is about alot more than a grandad that only sees the children occasionally, and that perhaps their relationship wasn't stellar when she was growing up or after her mum died. Perhaps she doesn't particularly want to see him more or is angry with him for something from when she was younger. Maybe she feels like he didn't get to know her either. I guess only your partner knows that they especially if it happened before you were around.

I know the death of my mum mum's when she was a teen impacted the whole family but she was the youngest and her dad really didn't step up to the plate and their relationship never recovered.

Once a month, plus once I'm school holidays is nothing.
My kids see my PiL a little less and they have barely a relationship. My 10 year old is now very resentful that they do not want to see him more.
20 mins is absolutely nothing, he could be more involved if he wanted to be.
Help with clubs is likely to be welcomed!
You say you don't know why yous don't have them alone... Had he actually said that he wants this to happen and been knocked back?

Yes, she's 24 this year, her mum passed when she was a teenager and she lived with her dad until she was 18. They had a big fall out as she left school at 16 for an apprenticeship even though she got all A and B in her school exams! She said she wanted to work in childcare. Then at 18 got pregnant which caused some additional issues but they made up.
I don't think she likes me very much, which doesn't really help. My son's children call my partner Grandpa but her child just call me my name for example.

It's complex, but she's so strict about what we can and can't do. My partner thinks the reason she won't let the children stay here is because he smokes a pipe (never in the house). She's also very fussy about what they eat and routine (hello fresh type meals or nothing).
We absolutely can't just drop in unannounced, she said she thinks it's odd, what if they are out or she is busy etc. She does the kids clubs herself, thinks it's important she does that, her partner takes the eldest to swimming etc.
She has so many rules it's difficult!

We've offered over nights or even just having them on our own for a few hours, it's always a no!

As the mother of an almost 18 year old I can't imagine if they'd lost one parent then moving out and leaving them alone when they were still a teenager

But surely she's saying no because to her kids you're practically strangers. You can't just jump in with over nights or having them on your own if they don't know you, especially when they are so little.

Has he actually had a conversation with his daughter about seeing them all more and how that can be achieved?

Telling you not to drop in unannounced is not a difficult rule. Mumsnet is divided on it, but for many people it's incredibly rude. Your partner moved out and left his teenage daughter who'd lost her mum, living in a council house without a parent at 18. Big red flag. Taking your own grandchildren when you go visit DSD - red flag. There's a lot to unpick here, but your partner has a lot of work to do to rebuild his relationship with his daughter, I'd say. Nothing to suggest she's being 'dramatic'. It doesn't reflect well on you that you asked this.

This assumes the grandad drives

They're 20 minutes away not 20 hours away!

You are not seeing them enough.

@LindArt

What he wants is for me to give up time with my grandchildren so it's more even or go with him on the weekend

Well that's just bonkers! He's got a rubbish relationship with his grandchildren so you should have a rubbish relationship with yours! What a self centred wanker! Tell him to 'do one'

Husband needs to step up and see his grandkids if they are upset. 2 times per month is nothing. You shouldn't stop him! 20 minutes is nothing

Sounds like she’s had a pretty tough time. I can see why she wants a routine and something more stable with her own children. I don’t think giving her children wholesome, fresh meals is anything to scoff at.

Like a previous poster said, I think it’s understandable she won’t give you the children to have overnight etc, doesn’t sound like they really know their granddad.

Apparently he's a bus driver so that's unlikely to be an issue!

Why can't he make plans to go over at the weekends when he's off work? There's absolutely no reason why you have to be there with him!

YABU to say it’s dramatic.

If she feels hurt that less effort is made with her and her child than with someone else who her father’s not actually related to (or likewise another sibling) then that’s how she feels, and it’s not unreasonable. I think lots of people (if not most) would feel the same.

She might see you and her DF spending time with your family, and likewise see her partner’s parents making a lot of effort and showing real interest, and just feel – a bit sad about it? A perfectly normal and very human response imo.

If her DF wants to have a more involved relationship with his GKs and daughter, then that sounds great. Seems like a positive step that everyone concerned only stands to benefit from.

I don't think she's being dramatic here.

She's only 24, with 3 kids. Her own mother has passed away, and her Dad hasn't really stepping in to fill the void and make sure she's supported. It's no wonder she has become closer with her in-laws.

My parents live about 30mins away. We see them multiple times a week, and my Dad (now retired) even comes and does school pick up one day a week and takes my eldest to theirs for his tea, and takes both kids to their swimming lessons another day. Even does it in the school holidays even though I don't need childcare help then - he just wants to spend time with the grandkids. I will also pop round with the kids at the weekend to catch-up with my parents and have a cuppa or a glass of wine.

Close relationships work both ways. Your partner needs to reach out more. She may be reluctant at first, but thats likely because she feels resentful at the moment... keep going and give her time. She is still very young, especially to have been through losing her mother.

From your updates I actually think he needs to forget about the GC for now and work on his relationship with his DD. I don't know how but time with GC won't improve until their relationship improves and that needs to be without you for now.

Her feelings for you are probably nothing to do with you personally, more the Grandma/Nanny they should have isn't here and she doesn't want anyone else to take that place

Really sad isn’t it?

OP, every post of yours is 'we'. You are doing plenty for your grandchildren, he isn't. There is it. He isn't but he's arrogant enough to think that instead of solving the problem himself, YOU need to drop your hours seeing grandchildren so that it's equal.

I'm sorry to say it but he sounds like an ignorant and potentially controlling man. Not someone who should be listened to either.

Please don't change what you're doing - your grandchildren are yours, not his, and when it comes down to it, he should be doing the same for his. If he doesn't then he doesn't.

But she's going to say no to that as long as she feels they barely know their grandfather. He needs to see them with her there.

OP, you've been really honest and open to advice on this thread, and I respect that. Hopefully these replies digging more into the root causes of this problem are useful and helping you reflect (including that your first instinct, that your partner's daughter is being dramatic, are indeed unreasonable).

Your partner has a LOT of work to do on his relationship with his daughter, which may take years of investment and leaning in on his part. He's going to have to make the first move, and put the most work in, and as the parent, that's his responsibility. If he does invest in his daughter, persistently, even when he's rebuffed and amid inevitable ups and downs, he'll see returns in terms of meaningful relationships with his grandchildren and family especially as he moves into old age.

I would suggest that his daughter may be upset that your grandchildren call him Grandpa and see so much of him; while his actual grandchildren barely know him, and perhaps she places the blame at his feet for this (which is reasonable - she was a child when your partner set the rules in place for this relationship, by leaving her to live alone at 18).

I don’t get all this “GPs should pull out all the stops to see their GC x amount of times a week” or “It’s not fair My mum sees my sisters dc far more than mine”. It’s a two way street guys. The road to your parents/PIL home is no longer than their road is to yours.

My dc see their GP’s three times a week or three times every 3 months. They are still the GP’s who love them, regardless of how often they see them.

The thing about kids that young is that they're beautifully honest... No social filter.

If the kids aren't happy/excited to see one grandparent and they're happy/excited to see another grandparent, then yes, they probably don't have a close relationship with the first grandparent. That's on the grandparent to sort out, if they can be bothered.

But YANBU. These are not your grandchildren. This isn't really your problem.

And it's not just about time spent, it's about how much effort the grandparents make to engage the children. My DC are close to their grandparents but only see them every few months due to distance.