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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking partners child is being dramatic

105 replies

LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:07

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. He has a daughter who's in her 20s, I have a son in his 30s. His daughter has 3 children (4 and twins 2), my son has 2 children (3 and 6)
When his daughter turned 18 he moved in with me, my son lives on the same street, she is in a village 20 minutes away.
We probably see my partners daughter 2 times a month, on months with no school holidays this will be more like 1. On the flip of that, I'm a school cook, term time and school hours only, so I do childcare for my son's children. Every October we take all of them on a caravan holiday, we pay it, all they have to cover is 3 nights of dinner and drinks etc. We cover accommodation and give them petrol money.
In the Easter holidays just gone we didn't get to see them. She was on holiday for a week of it, then the 2 days she asked to come down and see us, we were out or her dad was working.
We FaceTimed the kids last night and when she called them over the eldest said "I don't want to talk to grandpa I thought it was grandad (dad's dad)". My partner was a little upset by this which I think is fair. He messaged after saying he was upset and would come up and see them on Sunday.

His daughter decided to reply with "well it's no shock. They barley know you"

Her mum passed away few years ago but her partners parents are very involved, his mum works around their childcare needs. They have dinner together once a week and all live in the same village. They do Christmas with them every year never with us. Now my son is the same with us, we live near him so it makes sense.

My partner is now really hurt and has said we need to balance it out more and we shouldn't be seeing more of one set of grandkids than the other.

AIBU to think this is all very dramatic and it's fine to see the grandkids you live near more than the others?

OP posts:
Original poster
LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:31

Should also note every October we take them all on holiday for 5 days (kids, partner and his daughter) and have lots of quality time then!

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 19/04/2024 12:32

It sounds a bit like she's jealous of the childcare your son gets. Not sure what it is his DD wants. If she doesn't want their routine changing and they see her partner's parents often when does she want to see grandpa?
I also can't be doing with always spending Christmas with one set of relatives but that's just me.

Revelatio · 19/04/2024 12:33

you say 20mins like it’s an epic journey. After reading a previous thread in here many men take longer than that on the loo!!

My parents live 3hrs away so we don’t see them as often, but we FaceTime a couple of times a week. We see my in-laws more like once a week, but I’d say our child has an equal relationship with both.

Your husband is right, he should be equalling out the time spent with grandchildren, but he needs to organise and up his time with them, not you seeing less of your son.

Original poster
LindArt · 19/04/2024 12:34

lazyarse123 · 19/04/2024 12:32

It sounds a bit like she's jealous of the childcare your son gets. Not sure what it is his DD wants. If she doesn't want their routine changing and they see her partner's parents often when does she want to see grandpa?
I also can't be doing with always spending Christmas with one set of relatives but that's just me.

We never get them alone so I don't think it's childcare!

Christmas we are fine with. Partners parents like to do their Christmas on Christmas Eve now all their granddaughters have grown up and had kids, so we get all day Christmas Eve with them instead.

OP posts:
fedupandstuck · 19/04/2024 12:36

I think your partner is wrong to be upset by what a 4 year old child has said as a one off on a video call. Your partner's daughter was wrong not to correct her child and explain that his comment was unkind. Your partner's daughter was also unkind to make the comment about "barely" seeing him when you do see them fairly frequently.

However, it's crazy to let a one off comment from a small child drive a wedge between everyone. Your partner could look at increasing how much he sees them, and look at the quality of his interactions with them when he does see them. They live really close to you, it's not as if they're 5 hours each way away from you.

Singleandproud · 19/04/2024 12:36

@LindArt I think there lies the issue then, the children barely know him he is a background character to their lives at the moment. If he is keen to have a relationship then that needs to change. Providing his relationship with his daughter is good and he isn't elbowing in then he needs to think of ways of improving this. The weather is getting nicer and evenings are longer. Can he watch them at a sport, set up their own tradition of a semi regular theatre/cinema/zoo trip. Reading books over zoom etc if young.

OhBumBags · 19/04/2024 12:36

I agree she's being dramatic but...

Her mum passed away few years ago but her partners parents are very involved, his mum works around their childcare needs. They have dinner together once a week and all live in the same village. They do Christmas with them every year never with us. Now my son is the same with us, we live near him so it makes sense.

This has literally nothing to do with it. Or do you think she should be happy with a substitute?

VJBR · 19/04/2024 12:37

Twenty minutes is nothing. He can easily go over once a week. His daughter is only in her 20s and has lost her mum. Your partner should make more effort to be there for his daughter. Does he not want to see her, let alone the grandchildren?

Jokl · 19/04/2024 12:39

It feels like this is all a bit ‘storm in a teacup’. Your partner was silly to message and say he was hurt about a comment a 4 year old made and your stepdaughter was a bit childish in choosing to lash out and saying that her children barely know your partner. She really should’ve taken the opportunity to express her feelings in a less combative way, but the world is never perfect and nor are we.
It does sound to me as though SDs comment hit a nerve with your partner, I expect he sees some truth in it. Maybe he needs to grow up a bit and instead of whinging about his feelings being hurt by a very small child, he should take steps to make more thoughtful and purposeful effort with his grandchildren.

muggart · 19/04/2024 12:41

If he wants to see his family more you shouldn't be pushing back on that.

Singleandproud · 19/04/2024 12:42

I think it's actually a perfect time to have a conversation with DD
"I thought about what you said about the children not knowing me and it hurt but you are right. I'd really likely to change that and be a bigger part of their lives. Is there anything I can do to make your lives a bit easier? Take them to clubs, bring dinner on X night? Would you let me know when they have sports matches/ plays / important events so that I can support them?"

SJC2015 · 19/04/2024 12:43

I think she is being dramatic. Its not about quantity but quality. They see their grandparent/s alot more than my kids do and they have amazing relationships with each grandparent.

My parents live 3 hours away and we see them every 4-6 weeks. They had my eldest 1 week a year in the holidays and do days out with him in other holidays. Do days out with my youngest in term time when the eldest is in school. We usually do a long weekend at Centre Parcs and then another long weekend camping each year with them.
My in-laws live in Australia. We see them on average every 18 months (bar over covid). Speak to them every other weekend. Usually when we visit each other its is for a min of 2 weeks (usually 4-6 weeks if my inlaws come here as they can take extended leave from work)

My kids love each grandparent the same. There are plenty of times they don't want to talk to one or the other on the phone esp if they have just seen the other set. We make a effort to make sure they get 1:1 time with grandparents when we do see them, even if it is only an hour or so while we go and have a child free coffee. When my in-laws visit we usually have an afternoon/evening out towards the end of their trip and they look after the kids, put to bed etc so they get that quality time too.

Cluelessaf · 19/04/2024 12:46

He should visit his daughter more. 20 mins is a dropping in kind of distance; not a once a month type. And will be easier to organise it it doesn't have to be both of you all the time. I really feel for a woman with three children who has lost her mum at such a young age, that's emotionally very hard. Her dad should step up.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/04/2024 12:49

Stbxh parents live 4 hours drive away, they easily spend more hours with their grandkids a year than your partner does with his. If I was your DIL Id be feeling pretty hurt about my Dad's behaviour and like he doesn't value me or my kids. She has 3 very young children including twins, her Mum is gone, the well she supportive PIL line isn't good enough. She's saying she needs her Dad more and he should step up and show his daughter he cares about her and her children. 3 kids 4 and under including twins, that's tough. She should have support from her Dad too, not just her ILs.

TheValueOfEverything · 19/04/2024 12:52

Practical ideas for your husband to have a better rel'ship with his grandchildren and his daughter, who live just down the road (he's so lucky!):

  • Ask if he can commit to taking his grandchildren to one of their clubs or activities on a weekly basis. This can be really bonding, he gets to chat with them on the way there and back, gets to know what they're up to, can cheer them on, meet the parents/grandparents of their friends.
  • Ask if you can have the kids for sleepovers every few weeks, make it a lovely fun time
  • Drop in at the house at least once a week unannounced, just to say hi, perhaps deliver something useful (my grandma always came with fresh milk every Monday, I now know as an excuse to say hi, we always needed it, and she only stopped for a few mins), or if he's handy, to help with some house or garden job.
  • Informal dropping in without pre-planning can be a gift, as no pressure on parents to agree to a certain time etc which is more formal. If your DH only has a formal rel'ship with his daughter right now, it'll help build in this easy informality, in a useful and loving way.
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/04/2024 12:56

Her mum passed away few years ago but her partners parents are very involved, his mum works around their childcare needs. They have dinner together once a week and all live in the same village. They do Christmas with them every year never with us. Now my son is the same with us, we live near him so it makes sense.
PIL aren't the same as parents and she's 20 minutes away, you live near both kids not just your son.

thaegumathteth · 19/04/2024 13:01

So he moved in with you when she turned 18? Who did she live with then?

Octavia64 · 19/04/2024 13:05

If the children regularly see your partners parents, and they also do overnight babysitting, and when your partner sees them he also takes them to his parents then the only time they actually have with him separate from his parents is one Sunday lunch a month.

Plus the caravan once a year.

They probably will feel like they don't know him. That is very little time indeed and it's doing an adult friendly activity rather than something a child would want to do.

Sounds like for whatever reason there is not a good relationship between him and his daughter - it's unusual for great grandparents to babysit rather than grandparents.

What's the backstory? Did she have to move in with your partner's parents when he moved in with you when she was 18?

BlueMum16 · 19/04/2024 13:07

Your DH needs the make an effort to go and see them and invite them over once a week. 20 miles isn't far. It's about priorities. Once they children have regular visits then offer an overnight stay.
I see my mum withy kids more but make a massive effort to ensure my kids are GP from DH side weekly where possible.

Cluelessaf · 19/04/2024 13:46

@BlueMum16 it's not even 20 miles, it's 20 minutes!

KreedKafer · 19/04/2024 13:53

Personally I don't think seeing grandkids once or twice a month is especially infrequent and certainly not 'barely knowing' them so yes, I think she's being dramatic. However, if he wants to see more of his daughter's children, he should make the effort - presumably you're not actually stopping him from doing that?

Original poster
LindArt · 19/04/2024 13:55

TheValueOfEverything · 19/04/2024 12:52

Practical ideas for your husband to have a better rel'ship with his grandchildren and his daughter, who live just down the road (he's so lucky!):

  • Ask if he can commit to taking his grandchildren to one of their clubs or activities on a weekly basis. This can be really bonding, he gets to chat with them on the way there and back, gets to know what they're up to, can cheer them on, meet the parents/grandparents of their friends.
  • Ask if you can have the kids for sleepovers every few weeks, make it a lovely fun time
  • Drop in at the house at least once a week unannounced, just to say hi, perhaps deliver something useful (my grandma always came with fresh milk every Monday, I now know as an excuse to say hi, we always needed it, and she only stopped for a few mins), or if he's handy, to help with some house or garden job.
  • Informal dropping in without pre-planning can be a gift, as no pressure on parents to agree to a certain time etc which is more formal. If your DH only has a formal rel'ship with his daughter right now, it'll help build in this easy informality, in a useful and loving way.
Edited

She's made it clear we are never to drop in unannounced- she told us she thought it was rude! (She had anxiety in the past so maybe related).

OP posts:
Original poster
LindArt · 19/04/2024 13:56

thaegumathteth · 19/04/2024 13:01

So he moved in with you when she turned 18? Who did she live with then?

Herself, it was a council house, she'd just finished her apprenticeship so it was signed over to her.

OP posts:
ClonedSquare · 19/04/2024 13:57

My parents live 2.5 hours away and they see my son once a month, for three days at a time. My brother and niece live about 20 minutes away and they see her several times a week.

If they lived 20 minutes away and only saw him one day a month I wouldn't consider them close grandparents.

edit: posted too soon then read the rest of the thread. When you do see her, it’s just for Sunday lunch once a month? Of course her kids don’t feel like they know him if all they get is a couple of hours in public at a dinner table.

WoodBurningStov · 19/04/2024 14:00

It's all very well saying he wants to balance things out a bit more, but what is his suggestion on how to do this?

There are lots of things he could do

See them during the week
Take them to one of their hobbies
Arrange with his dd to have them overnight once a week

But it all hinges on him making the effort. If he's not willing to do that then he won't improve his relationship with his gc

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