Thinking partners child is being dramatic

[LindArt]

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. He has a daughter who's in her 20s, I have a son in his 30s. His daughter has 3 children (4 and twins 2), my son has 2 children (3 and 6)
When his daughter turned 18 he moved in with me, my son lives on the same street, she is in a village 20 minutes away.
We probably see my partners daughter 2 times a month, on months with no school holidays this will be more like 1. On the flip of that, I'm a school cook, term time and school hours only, so I do childcare for my son's children. Every October we take all of them on a caravan holiday, we pay it, all they have to cover is 3 nights of dinner and drinks etc. We cover accommodation and give them petrol money.
In the Easter holidays just gone we didn't get to see them. She was on holiday for a week of it, then the 2 days she asked to come down and see us, we were out or her dad was working.
We FaceTimed the kids last night and when she called them over the eldest said "I don't want to talk to grandpa I thought it was grandad (dad's dad)". My partner was a little upset by this which I think is fair. He messaged after saying he was upset and would come up and see them on Sunday.

His daughter decided to reply with "well it's no shock. They barley know you"

Her mum passed away few years ago but her partners parents are very involved, his mum works around their childcare needs. They have dinner together once a week and all live in the same village. They do Christmas with them every year never with us. Now my son is the same with us, we live near him so it makes sense.

My partner is now really hurt and has said we need to balance it out more and we shouldn't be seeing more of one set of grandkids than the other.

AIBU to think this is all very dramatic and it's fine to see the grandkids you live near more than the others?

You don’t have to cut down the time you spend with your own grandchildren. If he wants to see his he can go to them. On weekends, in the week, etc. He should arrange with his daughter to go. Why can’t he go alone? Why do you have to go? You can see your son and kids and he can see his daughter and kids. You’re not joined at the hip.
He’s trying to blame the lack of relationship on you. Which it isn’t your fault.
Personally I think once a month is fine. My kids see my own parents maybe every 2-3 months and have a great relationship with them. They certainly don’t ‘barely know them’ and spend way less time with them. Good relationships are forged on quality time not quantity

A 4 year old and 2 2 year olds?
Why would she want them to stay overnight anywhere? Let alone if she doesn't trust the adults to follow her routines (eg they say things like "she has so many rules...") . My kids are very close with all sets of grandparents including steps, but I didnt send them on overnights at 2yo! Obviously some people have to, but it is being discussed as just for fun. I can't imagine anyone would sleep well, and then everyone would be grumpy the next day.
OTOH don't ruin your relationship with your son just to make your partner feel better. He needs to improve his relationship with his daughter, and he needs to do it himself, not try to have you create it as a proxy.

Your partner’s suggestions to cut down on the time you see your son’s children in order to balance it out makes absolutely no sense. And his daughter is being ridiculous in saying her kids barely know you if you see them twice per month. She’s 20 minutes away, not in the Arctic plains for goodness sake. And if she has loads of things you can and cannot do wrt seeing her then how the heck are you meant to visit? It all sounds somewhat odd.

I don’t think the daughter is being dramatic. I think she’s trying to tell her dad that she needs more from him. He would be wise to listen, before he loses her.

Leaving her to live alone when she was 18 doesn’t shout ‘dad of the year.’

Nope.
OP does not need to see more of them.
Her partner is capable adult and can schedule meeting his own adult daughter if he wants to be more present in her and his grandchildrens life.
Making family occasions and meeting up does not require a vagina to organize.

Can’t believe your husband had the nerve to even suggest you see your grandchild less. That’s ridiculous.
He is perfectly entitled to try to see his grandchildren more but that has nothing to do with your grandchild.
He sounds too lazy to do the hard work. He wants the love without putting in the time and effort

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
so your dp made very clear his disapproval of her life choices, criticising his unborn grand child and telling her that because she got good grades her career choice was beneath her, and now you’re confused why she’s irritated with him and with him spending more time with his girlfriend’s grandkids?

I’m pretty sure you can see this though, you just want to pin any blame on her. Your dp was shit to his grieving daughter. He also moved in relatively quickly after the death of her mother and also practically jumped as soon as the girl was out the way! Like great she’s moved out now I can go be with my partner and her son.

you also say “they made up” - which should read “he apologised profusely to her”.

20 minutes away is nothing. He (and you) needs to make much more effort - and that includes working around her rules and anxiety.

She's really quite young still and she's had none stop small children for the last 6years since a significant bereavement and what sounds like lots of upheaval.

What your partner should do is engage with her on her terms, consistently. When he's with her and her children, be interactive with them and do things with them that they enjoy. And not make any comments on her parenting, unless he or you think what she is doing is actually harmful, dangerous or neglectful. Not to your own personal taste or parenting philosophy does not count!

It seems a bit of an obsession to have children when they're asleep. Its not a brilliant safety tip for children to stay anywhere overnight until the children know them well.

You cannot assume because someone is family that they are a safe adult.

But also to expect children to enjoy being at grandparents home or be alone with an adult is also not that common.

Dropping into anyone's home unannounced is just bad manners. He needs to build a better relationship with his adult daughter before he entertains anything closer with her children.

Yes he should be making more effort with his daughter and grandchildren

It sounds like she has some resentment towards her dad - maybe from when he moved in with you and left her on her own at 18. Sounds like he needs to talk to her, see what's wrong, ask her how he can make things better.

Because normally the only see them when they all go to the Great grandparents home for Sunday lunch with lots of other family around. It sounds as though they don't have any quality time with OPs husband's so I can understand why they feel as though they don't know him.
Could he visit them at his daughter's home more often? 20 minutes isn't very fat away

This^

20 minutes away is nothing. I thought she was going to be hours away.

He needs to make more effort.

I have a similar situation, my mum's dead and my father remarried and they spend lots more time with his new wifes grandkids than his grandkids. I have never been "dramatic" about it but my kids (and my brothers kids) basically don't know their grandfather that well because he has not put the time or effort in. Whereas, because it is facilitated by his wife, he does spend a lot of time with her grandkids. I feel really sad about it but if he wanted to he could have, he is 10 mins away.

In your situation your partner needs to not go in a strop over something a small child says but take it to heart and try to solve the problem BY HIMSELF. Its not for you to facilitate.

This is a reap what you sow situation. He lives close to his dd and dgc and doesn't make the effort to see them, so his relationship with them has suffered.

It sounds like you make an effort with your dc. Your partner needs to do the same.

Of course YOU aren't bothered, they aren't your grandchildren but your husband should be mortified! It doesn't sound like he has good relationship with his grandchildren and yes he should be seeing them more. 20 mins away is NOTHING.

Your DP needs to make more effort.

She is being open and telling him how she feels and so it’s on him to do something about it.

I too would be a bit miffed if my parent only saw me/my kids once or twice a month, whilst seeing my siblings and their kids on a regular basis.

He is her only parent and she is probably a bit envious/sad that they don’t have a grandma on that side.

He needs to offer to pop over or babysit the kids more, even if she turns it down.

It sounds like it's convenient for DP to blame you for his failings here rather than reflecting on the fact that his relationship with his grandchildren isn't as good as it should be. It's never going to be as close as the grandparents who do regular childcare, but it still could be better. Clearly he expects you to do the wife work of facilitating his relationship with his own family.

I don’t think she’s being dramatic at all. She’s right, he can hardly know her children.

He left her at 18 to move in with you?

He’s hardly dad/grandad of the year is he. If he wants a good relationship with his daughter and grandchildren, he needs to put some effort in. I think your partner has a bloody cheek to say he’s hurt and make it all about him and you’re as bad.

They live 20 mins away but you see them once a month and don't help with childcare but you do with your son's kids? Of course your DP's daughter is going to think that's unfair and if your DP wants a good relationship with his grandchildren HE needs to put in the effort. Why is she suggesting times to come and see you? Did your partner not want to see them over Easter? Could he not have found time in a whole week to see them when they live 20 mins away?

This jumped out at me too and I suspect is the root of it all.

So his grieving 18 year old daughter gets pregnant, and he thinks it's a great idea to sign the council house over and bugger off to his partner's house.

There's no good OP writing this. I suspect there's a huge back story really it is your DH responsibility. You obviously will be biased to your own kids OP.

I'd wager there's a proactive MIL facilitating all the time your partner's daughter is spending with her ILs. Your partner sees you fulfilling this role with your son too and wants to piggyback his own relationship with his daughter's children off of your efforts to organise and arrange all this.

The daughter's comment sounds like a passive aggressive expression of many years of disappointment by her father. It's up to him to work on this relationship with both his daughter and his grandkids. But it sounds like he just doesn't want to, and it's easier for him to delegate it to you or simply ask you to dial your own efforts back (which is outrageous by the way).

If he actually wants to change things he needs to put his money where his mouth is and make it happen.

I have quite a few views on this.

1. Once a month is quite a lot in busy lives, the issue is the quality of time spent. DS and the DNs are all closer to grandpa than gran, because he crawls round the floor playing games.
2. Of course it hurts her that he spends more time with your kids, I feel sad my mum has so much more time with my siblings' kids, and PIL with DH sibling kids, but that's just how it is. Because we all get on, I don't fuss, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Calling her dramatic is unpleasant and heartless, don't do that again.
3. There is a development stage around age 3-5, where kids geta bit pickier about who is their "favourite". Luckily our siblings all just about coped OK with DS loudly announcing in a family party his favourite uncle as the only one he loved, but I know it upset one (who knew she should know better and loves him still)! Kids sometimes say what they think; listen if you love them.
4. 20 minutes isn't far.

You've had good advice here, your DH needs to focus by himself on his DD and playing with his own DGC. You carry on with your own kids and DGC.