AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

Your ex and his wife are massive cheeky fuckers. Not only have they been using you for a free ride, but they also allow their kids to treat you like shit. They clearly have no respect for you at all. You have absolutely done the right thing. I wonder how long it will take him to go off looking for the next poor sap to Cock Lodge off.

If you have no use for and don't want the furniture then just put it in the back of your car or hire a 'man with a van' and get it all delivered to his parents. He can put it in storage.

And I don’t like the idea of the talk. It seems to be a way to kind of wiggle back into being here and resuming things

he doesn’t want to talk. If you want to talk as adults about the state of your relationship in a meaningful and sensible way you arrange for your children not to be there. The fact he wants his kids there means he’s planning to browbeat you with a “look they’ve apologised what more do you want”

that’s very kind of your sister, please absolutely stick to your plan. I’d pack up as much now as possible and make sure your sister knows anything in particular that is yours.

I'd be saying that if the kids had shown resect towards you, the relationship would still be intact. However seeing that neither exdp or ex kept them in check they( as in the exs) have ro reap what they sowed.

He wants to bring the children (after surely been told off) that they are sorry and make you feel pity for them.. pack right now the most of it.. if sthg is pending, say to him it will be delivered or ready to collect another day.. avoid seeing them

You are so not unreasonable, it’s almost a sign of how much they have taken advantage that you are even questioning yourself!

You are doing the right thing, you owe him nothing. Well done for ending the relationship, stay strong and don’t let him and the kids come round and guilt trip you. Because that’s all it is, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I think he will get the children to grovel and apologise for their behaviour. Don’t let that happen.

Well the kids are about to learn an apparently overdue lesson about the consequences of shitty behaviour aren't they. they don't have to move schools, I'm assuming their in private, ExDP will just have to choose to stay with his parents until they finish school rather than have a place of his own. That's his consequence of failing to deal with their behaviour towards you. They've had an easy ride off your coat tails op, shake the leeches loose and don't look back x

The thing is with tweens is that they can be horrible, disrespectful and not very nice- at times. Most parents ride this phase out because they have to. They also have more control too.

You don't. You can walk away if it's pissing you off.

Its also easy to be resentful of time, attention etc put into kids that are awful to you - the person that is providing food and shelter and getting nothing back from it.

If you were a team with your partner, you would have worked harder on anticipating this and working through it together. But it sounds like his attention is elsewhere, and you aren't involved in decision making- so things have fallen over. This isn't the kids per se- it's lack of teamwork.

The impact on the kids will be big. That's not a reason to stay. He is likely to be angry as not only is he losing you (and I get the impression you don't think there is enough focus on this bit) but an immediate impact on his kids.

One other way to interpret this is .. if you aren't nice to me kids, I'll leave your dad and then you really will suffer. I'm sure you don't mean it that way though.

I don't think he was treating you like a cash cow. It sounds like a genuine and loving relationship that you have ended for understandable reasons, and it must have been such a difficult decision for you. He doesn't need to be a cocklodger or a taker for this to have happened, though he was unwise and did take you for granted. He was disappointed and upset that you confirmed it really was over rather than a temporary split. Sounds like he ranted at you in an emotionally unregulated way, had a temper tantrum, tried to make it your fault - all signs of emotional immaturity and confirming that your decision was right. It must have been horrible to have all that thrown at you.
He'll hopefully look back and be embarrassed one day. In the meantime, you're doing a great job of rising above it. As PPs have wisely said, of course it's not your responsibility, and don't be in when he collects his stuff.
My sister had a similar issue recently, broke up with a guy who had teenagers. She'd been carrying him financially. He accused her of ruining his children's lives by breaking up with him!!!

They are not your responsibility. The end

Fucking. Hell. I have never read anything so entitled 😱 what the heck?
Please do swap houses with your sister for the day, DO NOT tell him you are doing this.
Then block him and never speak to him again. He is VERY manipulative and you are kind.
Best decision ever ending things OP. Goodness me.

Absolutely don't be there tomorrow. I'd have his stuff boxed up ready to go and have loads o empty boxes there etc so he can't say that you were obstructive and also see that you mean business.

You've nothing to feel bad about in any of this. He had a very nice life because he was with you and it was good while it lasted and now like the rest of three population he will have to live within his means. .

It is not that he expects you to pay for these things, but that he had expected to have more disposable income himself because a large chunk of his life expenses were being met by you and he had more money at his disposal. He had made decisions on this basis. The goalposts have now moved.

But this is not your responsibility. He and his ex-wife must sort this out themselves. I know that the needs of his children are a very effective tug at the heart strings, but there is no onus on you to solve this for them. They must do it themselves. None of it is your fault, so please do not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped over this.

Your decision that you do not want to live in this stressful environment is entirely reasonable. You only have one life.

Oh fuck off. It’s not for the OP to work harder . It sounds like she loved the kids and the family. Tried her hardest for them and gave her ex and his kids a nice and stable home as well as a lovely life. How much more did they want from her

Sod being amicable then. Tell him straight, 'You're trying to use your own children to guilt trip and manipulate me. That is disgusting, and you should be ashamed of yourself. I will pack everything up and you can collect it from the front door. You won't be coming in and there will be no 'talk'.'

I know you're probably trying to keep things civil and manage your own feelings of guilt, but you need to be firm with him. Any little chink in your armour he sees, he will exploit to try and weasel his way back in.

What a vile little man.

Put all their stuff into one room, give them a deadline to collect and tell him your sister will be there to over see the collection process. Anything left after the visit will be donated. Then cut contact. Stop the foolishness. Give him an inch he will keep taking.

Stop saying it’s not the children’s fault.,It is their behaviour towards you that has caused this. And both parents should have reined them in. It may be upsetting in the short term, but it is a valuable life lesson…you reap what you sow. And I would be saying that to your ex.
Get him out now and stop worrying about his nasty kids. It’s not your issue.

This! This! This!

And if the kids can't do the activities they want or go to the school they want, it's because their father chose to not save anything when he was living rent free. It's a shame for them (you are obviously very kind-hearted to recognise that they are still just kids, despite being awful to you), but that's nothing to do with you. Their parents shouldn't have assumed they'd be freeloading off you forever. Once this initial hard part is over, I think you'll feel so much better/lighter.

On a completely separate note, how long have you been in the children’s life, how much time have they spent with you and how old are they? Were you parenting them, particularly?

It would be good if they are emotionally attached to you, which they may be despite bad behaviour, for them to have a goodbye visit later.

Not now when things are very sore, but in a month or so- a meal out and a hug and a winding up conversation.

But only you know whether that’s necessary or not.

The absolute cheek of him.

It's a very good idea for your sister to be at your house instead of you. And I agree with a PP about changing the locks.

I wouldn't offer the furniture. As he can't take it now it will just prolong things and give him another excuse to try and guilt you. If you don't want the furniture there are lots of charities that will take it.

Good luck with it all!

I’m not sure given your update that I agree with everyone’s responses. Moving in with children is a huge commitment, and it wasn’t u reasonable for the parents to make financial decisions based on the disposable income they both had in those circumstances. Ending that relationship, removing the children’s home and significantly altering their circumstances with no proper discussion or warning was harsh. That doesn’t mean you don’t ‘have the right’, of course you do, but it’s not fair and reasonable and it’s obviously come as a shock. Being a stepparent to tweenagers was never going to be easy. You mentioned that you thought ‘you were a little family’ … well it doesn’t appear that way.

My daughter is 11 and very challenging! It’s not just step parents who suffer that … families stick together and certainly talk things through at length before making big decisions.

I would box everything up for them and get a man in a van to deliver it. No bringing kids and wandering around your house packing. Very manipulative.

He says we could all sit down and talk when they do

Talk?
They talk, you listen and be made to feel you have to go along with their decision.
How can your Ex expect you to sit and list to anything he has to say after using you way he and his Ex have done.

I am going to ask my sister to be here tomorrow instead of me.

Good idea, although I wouldn't pre warn him, but I think I'd stay to incase he says he'll come back another time.
Infact I'd answer the door and leave DSis waiting in the living room so he doesnt see her before hes entered the house and make sure he removes everything that belong to them, no coming back.

Thank you to everyone. I was feeling quite upset about the end of the relationship and leaving the little family, and then to get this from exDP who I thought understood how difficult it had been for me, that I didn’t make the decision quickly or lightly and that I had done many things for him and his children over our time together. Some financial, some in time or emotional support, but you don’t stop to think or count it, you just step in with what is needed at the time, be it an urgent item to buy, or help with school work, diverting to pick someone up from school, memorable holidays or making a favourite dinner for a birthday meal. I always knew I wasn’t their Mum, but I did feel honoured and special that I was let into their little family. To have it reduced to finances is so upsetting and hurtful. Both to my memories and to what they must have thought of me? I can’t believe I was only a bank to them. I feel it must be exDP stressing about immediate financial issues - having to find a flat, pay a bond and furnish it so he can still have his children, and I think there are school fee payments and partial
payments for the trip within the next 2 months. I hope it is this, and not that he only thought of our relationship in financial terms.

My door has a code lock and a camera, and I have changed the code, and I will change the key lock underneath it as soon as possible.

it’s also a good idea to pack what I can now. I know all exDP’s stuff, so I will pack that and leave ready at the front door, and then tell my sister It is only the children’s rooms and they can take whatever they want, and leave a list of any items they want me get movers to send to them, with an address and a date nominated by XX date. He probably will say it’s too soon and he can’t commit to a date/location, but at least I will be setting firm ground rules.